What Happened: I got spanked at bedtime last night. It wasn’t especially hard (a bare-bottom, over the knee hand spanking) but it included scolding (I had stayed up later than I was supposed to, even after being reminded to go to bed) and went on long enough to hurt. Not a lot, not like a hairbrushing, but enough so I started feeling very sorry (okay, mostly for myself rather than my actions) and telling, then begging Paul to stop.
That doesn’t work. As I was reminded, I don’t get to decide, just as it wasn’t for me to decide that I didn’t want this spanking. I hadn’t wanted it either — by the time he took me otk, I was tired, even over-tired, and wanted to go sleep. Plus it was late enough and quiet enough that I thought the spanking could be heard from the street. Our window, you see, was open because I hadn’t expected this.
Then it happened, and not for the first time. My whiny frustration at not being able to get away, at the spanking that continued and I wanted stopped, at not ever feeling like there was enough time for anything rushed together with the frustrations of the day and guilt at being scolded and for ignoring Paul, I burst into racking sobs.
Technologies of Punishment –isn’t that a great title? I can’t claim any originality since it’s inspired by a CFP (that’s “Call For Papers” in the larger world) for a CUNY conference titled “The Poetics of Pain: Aesthetics, Ideology, and Representation” sent to my academic self. (I blogged this startle on el tercer ojo.) But it is an appropriate title. Given that we met via the wonders of usenet, technology, for better or worse, has been involved in Paul and my relationship, discipline and punishment included, since the beginning. Although some of the technology thankfully went away when our relationship went from long-distance to living-in-the-same-house, technology remains a significant part of both of our lives.
This is not going to be a discussion of how technology can assist those in long-distance relationships at “this thing we do.” While it doesn’t seem so long ago that most of my punishments were done via email or phone, really it’s been more than seven years since Paul moved here, give or take an interruption or two. I think that counts as several lifetimes in the word of technology. Because of that, this probably isn’t the right entry for anyone looking for long-distance discipline ideas. (Natty can probably give plenty of thoughts on that subject, but rumor has it she’s a bit busy at present.) That said, ever since I got a new MacBook compete with webcam, I check in terror to make sure the green camera light isn’t on every time Paul has me bent over my desk chair for a quick slippering to “focus” me on my work. This is crazy because I never actually use the webcam for anything so it’s never on. **
Even though phones, webcams and Skype aren’t part of discipline or punishment scenes and we’re not long-distance anymore, technology in various forms plays an important role in our relationship. A role, which for me, has lately made me feel watched over in ways that, frankly, push a lot of good and powerful buttons. What works, both in the senses of being effective and attractive, is feeling I’m being watched over and held to specific expectations. The idea is that I’m seen –inside and out– by someone who can’t be fooled and holds me to account. That’s both the fantasy and the ideal.
Not much to ask, is it?
It’s a huge amount to ask of anyone and a near impossible task, especially with regard to me specifically. Yet I have asked for it and Paul and I have tried various ways of fulfilling this need / desire. Repeatedly, over a period of years.
Beloved and community minded Bonnie, over at My Bottom Smarts gives us a chance each year to remember we’re not talking to ourselves — that you’re here reading too. And we all know that for every comment to the blog, there are hundreds of visitors who don’t comment. We know you’re there and it’s always good to know there are readers, whether you choose to comment or not. Yet it’s so much more fun to write for a blog where there’s lively discussion.
I know this blog has been quiet lately. This is partly due to many of us blogging elsewhere (see the list of our other blogs over to the right). It’s also due to the PB blog having become less of a place to discuss the idea of punishment in a relationships and more of a place to record actual punishments received. (Believe it or not, that we’d record our punishments here never occurred to me when we were first building the blog.) Since most of us aren’t punished very often, there ends up being long gaps between entries. Add to that my neglect in not realizing sooner that postings here were tapering off.
And yet you’re still reading here — even when the PB goes weeks and even months without new entries, our stats tell us that hundreds of people visit every day. So this is what I want to ask of you today — keeping in mind the style of the blog (that is, this isn’t going to suddenly become a place full of pictures of spanked bottoms, lovely though they might be and that we can’t write about punishments that aren’t happening — give us some thoughts about what you’d like to find when you come here. What discussions would be useful or interesting?
Thank you in advance for your ideas. And as always, thank you for reading.
I got tawsed tonight. Not for discipline, not to remind me to be a good girl, but as a punishment for not doing what I’d promised to do today. You see, after a week of cruising along, doing more work than I’d even needed to some days (this included working after coming home from a day working on campus), I was supposed to transition to the next stage of my work. This next stage is writing. Not writing ideas of others, but laying out my own.
Fear stalled me. Not fear of punishment, as some out there who don’t think What It Is We Do is a good for me, but my ever-present fear of not being good enough.
Instead of fighting through my fear and forcing myself to work, I let myself get caught up in the fun of the first day of fall on Twitter and the Mad4Plaid
day some of us were having. (It was great fun, marred only by the gnawing guilt I occasionally (but only occasionally) experienced as thoughts of my neglected text passed through my mind. There was time for both, but I didn’t want to do the work and it didn’t get done.
That was all well and good until the clock chimed 6:00PM and Paul got home. I looked like a good school girl in my plaid skirt and a pink oxford cloth shirt, but it quickly became clear as we talked about our respective days that I’d accomplished no school work today. Paul spent a while talking to me, figuring out where the problem was. It wasn’t just, as I first declared, that I didn’t do my work today. It was partly because I hadn’t thought about what I’d promised (an outline) and had no idea where to start work on the task.
We broke the problem down, bit by bit, teasing out what was insecurity and what was confusion. And of course, the over arching issue of why I’d stopped dead rather than try and work through any of it. The talk was exhausting — any criticism of my academic work makes me defensive and cranky. I know Paul must have to put on his best armor to talk to me about it. We ended up curled up together on the sofa, my head in his lap.
And then he said something along the lines of “I think we need to go into the bedroom and talk about this.”
On Monday I wrote a post here which included the statement
I'm at a critical stage in my life as a PhD. student. You'll hear more about it as the weeks go on, but this is the basic situation. Six to twelve months of productive work on my part, and it's very likely I'll finish my degree well and will be able to land a research and teaching job. Without the hard work, it's likely in 12 months I'll be looking at leaving graduate school without completing my degree.
At the time I wrote that, I'd done a little spade work which included several meetings with my advisor, an assessment of what I've already written (140 pages, maybe half of which is good enough to end up in the final document), started learning EndNote and using it to compile a library / bibliography. Oh, and I'd ordered some books from Amazon.
And, probably most importantly, I'd explicitly asked P for help. Asked him to make sure I spent most of Spring Break working on my dissertation.
Goodness, it's been a while for me, hasn't it?
The reason it's been so long is that I've been delightfully good and obscenely responsible. No really, it's true.
Or it could be I've been remiss about a lot of things including blogging. Lately though, spanking's been on my mind and I've been writing on my personal blog. Paul and I have been having adventures, including a trip to Vegas for Shadow Lane. This meant, among other things, that I got to spend time with fellow PB writers, Bridget and Iris (& M too).
Needless to say, this made me think about a lot of spanking and PB related things.
The PB has been relatively quiet lately, though research shows that’s not due to a lack of spanking or spanking writing by many of the authors here. Here’s my research update. Since last we heard from them, the ever so sexy Natty has been experimenting with topping and (of course) she has been spanked as well. The lovely Haron has been welcomed home with a whipping (o that Abel!) while sparkle has been directed to devise her own painful welcomes for her reunion with Chris (who has been posting pictures of sparkle’s bum, but that’s another matter). DykeGrrl / Jigsaw Analogy can often be found on the forum where I discovered she’s getting regular maintenance spankings on Sundays (me too!).
Finally, Paul pointed out late this afternoon that Iris was in trouble today too and going to get a spanking. More sunburn trouble for Iris, complete with (perhaps) a spanking with / in front of a girlfriend guest.
Okay, so I’ve delayed enough I guess. A careful reader (which I’m sure you all are) would have noted the word “too” in that sentence above. “Too” as in “also” or “as well.” Since it was agreed last Sunday that we would use Sunday’s to discuss the week, and I’ve known all week I’d be spanked Sunday. A tiny part of me has been looking forward to it because it would mean I was going to wear my new uniform. But only a tiny part because I knew that the very act of wearing it would prompt a hard spanking and I’m not crazy. You see, a little over a month ago, Paul surprised me with two authentic gym-slips. They were ordered from a UK eBay vendor but they’re imported from South Africa where school girls still wear them. Although I’d tried them on, personal circumstances which required Paul to travel to the UK quite suddenly coupled with a heat wave (the uniform is a black wool blend) here when he returned (with some authentic uniform shirts no less) meant I hadn’t had a chance to really wear it yet. Those of you who know me know that in addition to being a “sick little hand-tawsing freak” (thanks Niki), I have serious love for traditional uniforms. Had this managed to be simply a maintenance spanking, it probably would have been eager anticipation I felt last night.
Instead, given that the phrase “You’ll get an e*e*a to clean you out in the morning when we get up and then we’ll deal with everything else this afternoon” or something very close to it, was uttered, I was kept awake by more than just concern over the Doctor Who cliff hanger. The e*e*a was to be my punishment for having eaten sugar without permission.
Three years ago today the first entries to the PB went up! Woot! And to celebrate, a present for our readers and ourselves.
It’s my pleasure to introduce a new PB writer today. She’s both thoughtful and delightful and her name is Bridget. I know my procrastination in getting her added has been long enough that she’s already got her introduction written so you have that delight to look forward to — if you can’t wait, the link to her blog is here. But I’ll post a few of my own details about young Bridget just as a teaser.
Bridget is in her 20s, part of a poly family and in a Master / slave relationship. There have been occasions where I’ve heard What It Is We Do contrasted with BDSM and specifically the M/s dynamic but from what I’ve seen we’ve got a great deal in common, specifically in the area of being held accountable to an external authority. But anyway, I’m looking forward to Bridget’s entries here and everyone’s discussion of them.
Happy 2008 and happy birthday to us!
Just a quick note before my embarrassing stuff, sparkle has a wonderful little entry over on her blog here and a (very hot) list of her rules and consequences here.
So go read her stuff.
You’re still here?
Okay, so I got spanked this morning. Not just spanked, punished actually. Why? For going to bed very late (4:15am) and then getting up very early (6:45am).
Over on "My Bottom Smarts" Bonnie asks the questions:
- Is it possible to be submissive and equal simultaneously?
- Does the fact that you submit to spanking negatively impact your standing in your relationship?
- Do you or your partner view you as the lesser member of the relationship, or are you equal in all things other than spanking?
Bonnie's answers are great — I wasn't sure how much I had to add. However, the issue of equality and inequality in discipline and punishment relationships comes up quite a bit so I thought maybe I could put a bit of a PB twist on the questions, so to speak.