Category Archives: FAQ

The Punishment Paradox

In her weekly brunch, Bonnie has asked readers this week a question that I think most of us here on the PB have discussed at one time or another (and for some of us, numerous times) on the soc.sexuality.spanking newsgroup. Namely, if we spankos actually enjoy being spanked, can punishment spankings even work? I left a short comment on Bonnie's blog but the more I thought about it, the more I decided I wanted to write more, especially as it coincides with something I've been thinking about for a few months.

This particular question is an interesting one for me as my partner and I switch but I alone get punished for real life transgressions. It's not because he's perfect and I'm not. Far from it (though not too far…::smile::). We are both equally human and fallible. Indeed, we even have a lot of the same bad habits. We both procrastinate. We both markedly underestimate how long a task will take. We can both be slightly impulsive shoppers. We are both extremely competitive (though I'm not sure that's necessarily a fault…)

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Domestic Discipline vs. What We Do

Dyke Grrl's explanation in the comments section of the last post regarding why the term "domestic discipline" doesn't work for her reminds me of a conversation A. and I were having a few months back. It was about my bedtime and there were a number of factors complicating what should be a fairly straightforward issue. "I'm just following your lead," A. said finally. "Let me know what you want me to do and I'll do it."

I remember chuckling to myself at the time and thinking you'd never hear that sort of thing on most domestic discipline sites. But then, I've never really considered our disciplinary arrangement "domestic discipline."

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Consentual Nonconsent and Other Issues of Equality

Over on "My Bottom Smarts" Bonnie asks the questions:

  1. Is it possible to be submissive and equal simultaneously?
  2. Does the fact that you submit to spanking negatively impact your standing in your relationship?
  3. Do you or your partner view you as the lesser member of the relationship, or are you equal in all things other than spanking?

Bonnie's answers are great — I wasn't sure how much I had to add.  However, the issue of equality and inequality in discipline and punishment relationships comes up quite a bit so I thought maybe I could put a bit of a PB twist on the questions, so to speak.

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Finding Your Someone

Over on her lovely blog, Ruby Red posted the other day about the problem of finding the right person.  You know, not just a playmate and / or spanking friend (though we love those too), but a life partner. 

She writes:

I’m so damned picky. Even then, I’ll meet someone in a moment of weakness and continue to meet with them until that moment of clarity that says, "He’s totally wrong for you, dummy!"

Whether it’s differences in politics, religion, familial ties… or if it’s completely spanko-centric, there are a lot of reasons why people might be incompatible. It’s not enough to share an interest in spanking. We all know how faceted the world o’ spanking is… There’s domestic discipline, roleplaying, erotic, bondage, BDSM, hardcore spanking, light spanking, good girl, daddy/daughter, M/F, F/F, F/M, M/M… there’s spanking for fun, spanking for punishment, spanking for the hell of it. There’s costume choices, implement purchases…decisions, decisions, decisions! It’s all about finding the partner that comes closest to what you’re actually interested in.

Ruby isn’t the only one to bring this up — we get email from a lot of women (and men!) looking for partners.  I know some of us have mentioned stuff in passing, but the question of how one gets into a relationship with discipline / punishment is maybe worth addressing in an entry of its own.

(Besides, I’m having trouble getting my comments to stick on blogger today.)

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Safewords: In Answer to Bonnie’s Brunch Question

Every Sunday on her blog “My Bottom Smarts” Bonnie asks a Brunch question and invites her readers to post their replies. This week her question was about safewords. I started to reply there, but my response got so long that I realized it was a blog entry in and of itself.

Bonnie’s question:

There are a variety of opinions about safewords. Many spankos believe they are absolutely indispensible and spanking without one is hazardous. On the opposite side, other spankos claim that invoking a safeword constitutes “topping from the bottom.” From this perspective, granting control to the spankee during a discipline session interferes with the lesson being delivered. Between these two divergent views, there are many shades of grey.

Do you and your partner employ a safeword? If so, how and when is it used? If not, why not?

My response is going to be after the break, but I also want to invite everyone to offer their own opinion. As you may have guessed from our other entries, the authors here don’t tend to hold with the idea of there being such a thing as “One Trew Way.”

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I recently moved into an apartment with very thin walls. The other day, I was treated to the details of my upstairs neighbor's 12:15 am booty call. (Oh yes, it was lovely. Twelve minutes of hard banging on a squeaky bed. I was simultaneously jealous and pissed off.) Anyway, This has me REALLY worried about the Sounds of Spanking.

I need some ideas for quiet toys. I've heard that Loopy Johnnies are quiet. Are they not also deathly painful? Is there anything else that's relatively quiet? Please throw me your ideas. My apartment is so convenient to D's work so while heavy-duty type of punishments need to be reserved for his house, where the neighbors are pretty far away, we'll still be doing stuff at my place and he and I both tend to be kind of shy about people hearing us.

Layers of Trust

I've been thinking a bit lately about trust and the role it plays in a disciplinary relationship.  Obviously you have to trust a disciplinarian with basic things like safety and consent, but there are other issues that go along with it.  Discipline is a very deep thing for me–much deeper than (though linked to) sex.  In my pre-M days, I used to muse about whether I'd find a vanilla partner and how I'd convert them.  I even dated a few people without telling them about my need for spanking at all, and these were people with whom I was sexually active.  I was willing to have sex with them, but not to let them spank me.  Sex is a less intimate activity for me than spanking, and MUCH less intimate than discipline.  To have sex with someone I only have to be attracted to them and aroused–and trust them.  But to allow someone to spank me, especially for punishment, means that I am handing them my whole self in a little ball and asking them to be careful with it, please.

The other part of these trust musings has to do with my vanilla friends and family.  Of all the people I know in the world, maybe 10% know about my spanking side.  And outside of others in the scene, NO ONE knows about the discipline part.  Not one.  Not my best friend who knows about Shadow Lane and asks about it, not my sister, no one.  Which means there's a whole other layer of trust around punishment spankings.  Somehow it's ok if they think I do this for sex, but not ok if they know I do this for real things.

I'm not sure there's a point to this, I've just been thinking about it.  Anyone else have thoughts?

Why Would I Do It?

I’m cross-posting here an excerpt from an entry in my personal blog because it explains, in part, how I became interested in exploring the punishment.  I originally thought about expanding this into a longer treatise on why and how very, very different sensual/play spankings are from punishment for me, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. 

We got together with friends in the spanking scene [last] Saturday night. At one point, the discussion turned to why we all liked it – to how we got to where we are. Perhaps I’ve never said and perhaps I should later expand these thoughts into a more comprehensive essay, but I do crave structure and discipline and known consequences for misdeeds (all aside from my admittedly sluttish, erotic attraction to sensual spanking as a form of pleasure).

Here’s why:

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FAQ Question 2: So How Can I Make My…

…[husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend / partner] decide to [discipline / spank / punish] me?

I’m not sure about the other women posting here, but I get emailed this question a lot.  We’ve gotten a couple people asking this recently either on this site or by email.  Haron answered it a bit here, writing:

…it’s impossible to give advice without knowing more about you, your
boyfriend, his preferences and your own. Is he even into spanking, or
is he doing it to humour you?

On the whole, it’s been my experience that the only way to "get"
somebody to do anything is to discuss it with them, endlessly and
painstakingly. To explain why it’s important to you, and how it would
make you happier, and what attracts you about it. I’m not in favour of
pestering, but unless you communicate your desires clearly, he won’t
start punishing you out of the blue.

If you *have* talked about it, and he still won’t do it – well. It’s a different story.

This is a great answer to this question.  I’m going to write a bit more because, well, why not?

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