Category Archives: Dyke Grrl

The potch

About a year ago, W instituted what we call the "potch." It's a Yiddish word that means, basically, a small smack. In our world, it means a few smacks that I get every night at bedtime. It can be as few as one, delivered just to stay in the routine, or a few dozen. It's not a major spanking, and I rarely feel it for more than a few minutes afterward.

And the thing is, even though I thought I would need more than that–even though, perhaps at some times, I do need more than that–it works. It seems meaningless, and in the beginning, there was often a temptation to skip it, because, really, what difference would a few smacks on my bottom make in our dynamic?

But on nights when it's not wise or practical to do the potch (for instance, if my mother-in-law is visiting), our dynamic begins to get out of sync. (Mind you, that could also be due to the stress of having my mother-in-law visiting… but it also happens if we skip for other reasons.)

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I've been quiet for quite a while. Some of this is because life has gotten in the way. My health hasn't been great (although I've been happy to discover that part of the problem was anemia, and that's eased up by finding a better iron supplement), and there have been big non-disciplinary changes in my and W's lives.

But more than that, it's because discipline hasn't been happening, or has been happening in frustrating ways, or has been complicated in ways that I haven't been able to put into words. I've spent a lot of the past two years or so feeling rather inarticulate about many things.

I'm still rather inarticulate, but I've decided I'll go ahead and try to write something, because it's entirely possible that I will find words once I start writing.

W and I have been on hiatus with discipline off and on for nearly two years now. Contrary to my disciplinary fantasies, W does not take easily to being in charge. She struggles with it, and many of her own physical and mental health issues were getting in the way. On top of that, she didn't seem to be entirely clear about benefitting from this arrangement on her own behalf, and that was building up a lot of resentment for both of us. So, not quite two years ago, I asked to take a break until she was ready to be the one to re-initiate.

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Unresolved: Establishing Authority

I wrote this to post over at This Thing We Do Forum, and then thought that it would be a useful post for the Punishment Book as well. I also want to encourage people–especially tops, we REALLY need some tops over there–to check out the forum and join in the discussions there, if they are so inclined. It’s a pretty great place, or so the people who are members keep telling me. 🙂

W asked me to post about this, although I admit that I can’t remember all of the specifics of what she wanted me to say. So I will go with my best memory, and add some things from my own perspective, and we’ll see where that gets us.

We have been struggling for a while with W establishing her authority. I am frustrated. I feel like either I’m making myself follow the rules and behave–which undermines my perception of W’s authority, because I feel like I’m the one in control of what happens, and whether or not we get into fights. Or else I’m breaking the rules, and causing W to respond to my behavior–that kind of topping-from-the-bottom thing, which makes me feel like I’m still the one in control of the situation.

W, on the other hand, is frustrated because she feels like she *is* establishing her authority. From her viewpoint, either I’m following the rules, or I am breaking the rules, and she is enforcing them. And then she’ll get feedback from me, usually afterward, that says, “Well, but I felt like I was the one in charge of that situation.” Which, frankly, undermines her confidence in her authority.

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Taking the new system for a test drive

W and I revised our system (rules, consequences, stuff like that) this week. This was a planned revamp, because we discovered things need to get tweaked on a regular basis, and we had hoped it would work better to plan to do this, rather than just waiting until things jam up and then fixing it when it's in a mess.

The title of the post is my face-saving way of saying that in spite of knowing that 1, W has gotten fairly consistent with enforcing the rules, and 2, that the new consequences could easily be far more severe than W would get on her own, I still felt the need to break rules this afternoon.

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on safewords, flashbacks, and triggers

i've read a lot of debate about safewords. there are those who are of the opinion that having a safeword makes this thing we do emphatically "kink" rather than discipline. i don't agree with that, not in the least. in theory, i believe that safewords are what distinguishes this thing we do from abuse–that i have the power at any point to say, "hey, this is hurting me in the wrong way, i need it to stop or else i will not be safe."

and a lot of the time, i can do that. i don't formally safeword, but i communicate with w and let her know when something is going wrong. that is a major factor in her willingness to do this thing we do. and it's a responsibility that i have, just as much as i have a responsibility to be honest about whether i've followed the rules, just as much as w has a responsibility to be consistent with enforcing the rules.

about a month ago, that fell apart, on both sides.

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Spanking soundtrack

Just because I haven’t been posting much doesn’t actually mean I haven’t been getting spanked. I just haven’t had anything especially insightful to say about them (for the boring details, you can feel free to check out This Thing We Do, or my blog. W has been asking me to write about punishments and maintenance spankings right afterwards, but that doesn’t lend itself to good writing, so I haven’t been posting here.

Anyhow. There was a point to this post: reader participation!

W likes to spank to music. We had been using various music channels through our cable company, but that can get annoying, either because it distracts one or the other of us, or because they have a string of songs that just aren’t good for spanking.

So, what is YOUR spanking soundtrack?

If you made a mix for spankings, which songs would be on it? Some of it’s about finding songs with a good beat (pun not intended, but there it is!), some of it’s about having songs with good lyrics, and some is about pacing the spanking. Once we’ve gotten our playlist set up, I’ll post the songs in a comment here. Feel free to add your own, either as an entire soundtrack, or just songs you’d have on the soundtrack, in no particular order.

Responding to Wakeman

Natty got several posts up about this before I managed to, but I'm not
bitter or anything. 😉 But since Natty got her posts up before me, I feel *totally* justified
in focusing on the things that really bugged me about the article.
There were some good sides to the piece, and for a moderately
mainstream examination of DD, she did portray a couple of different

HOWEVER. Whether because she wound up writing for Bitch Magazine, or
because of her own biases, the structure of the article, the framing of
quotations from her sources, and her choice of sources she quoted at
all really reinforces one end of the spectrum of domestic discipline.

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Where I am now

About a month ago, Mija wrote to the authors of the Punishment Book about several things, and one of the things was a suggestion that, since this is our "blogiversary," perhaps we could each write a post about where we are now, in life, and in regard to this thing we do in our relationships. I kept putting it off, but since February obliged me by having an extra day, we'll see if I can manage to get a post written and slide in under the deadline!

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This thing we do

Just a quick post for anyone who missed the announcement in the comments section.  I have started an online bulletin board/forum thingy around the subject of domestic discipline.  It's basically a place for people who either don't fit in very well at the other DD-type forums, or who would prefer to hang out with the rest of us misfits (you know, the ones who aren't necessarily straight or Christian or believing that women are ordained by God to submit to their male partners; the main rule I have is that you have to respect that what works for you may or may not work for anyone else.)

So if you're interested, click on over an join.  (And if you're a spammer, know that spam posts will be deleted asap, and spammers will be banned.)


So, after a not entirely intentional hiatus over the summer and early fall, W. and I are working on getting our "system" working (again).  It’s a struggle, and I’ll probably wind up posting much more about it later.  This stuff is hard work!

We’ve been going through the rules, and trying to set things up so that 1, they’re actually useful for both of us, and 2, so that the consequences work for both of us.  And I’m working on getting myself to trust that they will work, which is even more difficult.

One of the issues is lying (and, how unfair is this, she’s including "lying by omission," which is my usual tendency, since I’m actually a pretty bad liar face to face).  She’s looking for ideas about specific punishments for telling lies.  (I think being required to play 200 rounds of Word Whomp online would be a fitting punishment, but I think she’d disagree.)

W’s also going to be getting her blog up and running, and plans to be asking a lot more questions this time around.  When that’s been done, I’ll probably post about it, and encourage people to surf over and comment there.

Also, on a somewhat related note, if anyone knows of a DD-type forum where the people don’t do the whole "this setup works because men are naturally more responsible and women are weak, and that’s how God ordained things to be" thing, and where they won’t object to a same-sex couple, it would be really helpful if you could let me know.

Thanks.  I’ll hopefully post in more detail when I have longer than 15 minutes to do so.