At the risk of sounding redundant, I’ll begin my post like Dyke Grrl and say how tickled I am to be asked to join the outstanding group of women who founded the Punishment Book. It’s both an honor and a joy, since there are so few venues for intelligent conversation about what we do. Thank you all for the invitation.
Now. On to introductions. First, the stats: I’m in my late 20s, currently living in Minnesota, days (hours!) away from receiving my graduate degree, and getting ready to move to Los Angeles. I’m a Midwestern girl, born and raised, so California will be a whole new adventure. While I’ll admit I’m not terribly fond of LA or Southern California, there are some people there I like very much–one in particular. M and I have been dating for something like two years (depends on if you count from when we started dating or when we met), and it’s going to be wonderful to be in the same metropolitan area. We’re going to be able to have dinner together and not have to plan it several months in advance! 🙂
Enough of the vanilla details. I’ve been into spanking just about as long as I can remember. The spines of many of my childhood books are creased at the parts where spanking occurs (M is always amazed when we come across books in stores and I can flip quickly to a spanking scene). Fast foward 15 years to college, where I convinced my vanilla boyfriend to spank me as foreplay. In retrospect I realize that he took to it like a duck to water, but I was always self-conscious and sure that I was the only one who got anything out of it.
After college I moved to Chicago where I discovered Crimson Moon and began to realize that my kink was not only normal, it was something to celebrate! Yet I still had these nagging thoughts about discipline: I fantasized about it, wondered about it, craved it. I entered into a wonderful relationship with Yoni and Tasha, who are now the owners of Bum Rap. Yoni helped me start to understand my need for discipline and let me see that I could have it in an adult relationship and it didn’t make me less mature or adult–it’s just part of who I am. (I still struggle with that sometimes; see below.)
And THEN I met M, which brings me to now. How and where does discipline fit in my life at this point? For one, I’m still discovering that it’s much different in a relationship than in my head. And it’s very different in a long-distance relationship than in a regular, close-by one. M and I are negotiating what it looks like for us. He has been in the scene for a number of years but always swore he would only spank for pleasure. As has been noted by some people, though, I could convert Gandhi into a disciplinarian. 😀 And M is adjusting to his role as top remarkably well.
At the heart of it all for me is a need for security. Parts of my growing up were really unstable and full of tension and I think I crave stability, security, and forgiveness. When a spanking is over, it’s over. I’ve been held accountable, punished, and forgiven. There’s also the knowledge that someone is watching out for me, which means that my behavior and my Self matter to someone, that they care what I do and what happens to me.
And there’s something else, something intangible that I can’t quite explain. Every once in a while I need a big spanking "to clear out all the cobwebs," M says. The daily stuff of life accumulates and I need to sweep it all out. These are different from regular punishment spankings, which are for one specific issue (sometimes more), but they’re the same in terms of the effect they have on me. I feel lighter, clearer, and very very loved. It’s still one of the hardest things to admit to myself, that I need to be spanked. If anyone else has thoughts on this, I’d welcome discussion.
So that’s mostly about me. My mushy, end-of-semester brain will probably think of more to add as soon as I post this, but I do want to get something up by way of introduction.