Author Archives: iris_731

But what’s in it for you?

Chris (of sparkle and Chris) and I have been having a conversation lately about what he as a top gets out of the punishment dynamic.  We thought it made for an interesting post, since we talk a lot about what the bottom gets out of a discipline/punishment arrangement, but we don’t hear about the other side very often (or if we do, it’s from an unrealistic Tops Are Superior Creatures perspective).  So we compiled our discussion into a post and present it here for your reading pleasure.  It’s not a complete, polished dissertation, it's rather unfinished and in process, in fact, but we’re very interested in your thoughts on the matter.


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Nowhere to go

I am only recently starting to get back my spanking mojo after an extended hiatus for pregnancy- and postpartum-related issues.  Physically I was unable to bend over or absorb heavy blows when my belly got big enough, and then healing from my c-section meant that I was restricted for similar reasons.  And emotionally/hormonally, I just wasn't there.  Spanking didn't fire me up, intrigue me, or even really occur to me.  Every once in a while I would think about it, but more in a passing sense.  For a while I was ok with this break: I was exhausted, we had company, and the duties of motherhood and work were far more pressing. 

After several months, though, I began to long for that part of myself.  I missed the fire, the sparkle, the desire.  I wanted to feel like me again.  Still, nothing.  I worried that motherhood had completely changed me, had replaced those fiery, sassy, desiring parts with nurturing, responsible, mechanical parts.

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Someone Else’s Fantasy

There are very few things about one's body that feel sexy when one is pregnant.  There are even fewer after delivery.  (Gi-normous breasts excepted.)

Actually, I had a fairly strong libido during pregnancy.  What we couldn't enact in real life got pushed into my head and I was able to get some satisfaction from vivid fantasies, close proximity to M, and a good vibrator.  In the three weeks since our son's birth, though, I haven't been able to orgasm once.  Part of this is due to the rigors of new parenting and the simple lack of opportunity.  But even when I have a few stolen moments to myself, or M and I have a rare minute together, I can't come.  The desire is there, but my body can't get on board. 

It has also been a loooong time since I've been spanked, for punishment or
pleasure.  M has given me a few swats here and there, but intense
physical play has been off the table for a while now and will be for a
while to come (c-section incision has to heal first).  

But even though I can't play and I can't come, that doesn't mean my life is completely devoid of kink.  In fact, I've experienced lots of kinky things since becoming a mother.  None of them happen to correspond to anything I like, but in the spirit of making lemonade out of lemons, I'm trying to have a sense of humor about it.  Here are a few of them:

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Blast from the past

I've been sick in bed for the last few days, which isn't fun at the best of times, but is particularly unfun when one is pregnant at the same time.  Not only is the list of approved medications limited, it's difficult to get comfortable with a bowling ball strapped to one's middle.  But I digress.  At one point last night, I was starting to feel a little bored (always a good sign), so I dug out old journals and settled in to read.

These are journals from late college and early adulthood, maybe 7-10 years ago.  In other words, just the period of time when I was figuring out my kink and coming to terms with it.  I was surprised (and sometimes amused) to read what I wrote and thought some of it might be interesting here.

This is the first entry where I addressed the issue head on, though there are other places where I alluded to it and even (bravely!) wrote the word spank in black and white.  But this entry comes about 10 months after breaking up with my college boyfriend, the first man I ever played with.  Also, bear in mind that this was from the very early days of internet (at least for me), so I had yet to find much of a real community or have any real conversation with anyone about the subject.

What is this obsession that drives me sexually?  Where on earth did it come from?  A year ago, I might have added: why me?

I am a spankophile.  I crave dominant men who will spank me sexually, spank me when I misbehave, and love this raw, unbidden part of my soul.  I want to brat my way into trouble and know that someone is there to enforce boundaries and love me no matter what.

When I first realized that this was sexual for me, I shied away, scared of what it meant.  Later, as I began to explore it and even share it with E [college boyfriend] I was embarrassed and shy about my desire while needing it nonetheless.  Now, while I would still never share the secret with anyone but the most intimate, I embrace it.  It gives me a deep, rich, dark, silty facet, a branch of my soul and being that only two people in this whole world know about and only one understands.  E never quite got it, but for a vanilla he certainly converted pretty well.

One of the most complicated parts about my spankophilia is the lack of control.  I want to submit, yet I have to find the right person to give that gift.  Someone I trust completely, who would never abuse the gift.  At the same time, though, there are men who look at me and make my insides liquid and make me want to obey.  K is that way sometimes–I can feel sparks fly when he's around because the air is so charged.  T's eyes do that too.  They pierce me and I feel like one stern look from him could make me come on the spot.  …

But could I honestly sleep with either one of them?  No matter how much chemistry I wonder if there wouldn't be something to hold me back.  And that's only sex.  My deepest darkest fantasy is unthinkable until much after sex.

I find it interesting to see which elements are still the same for me and which have changed.  Obviously I no longer see spanking as something that must come "much after sex."  Grin.  That would make spanking parties tricky–or perhaps just more active.  And I'm not as secretive or selective about sharing this part of my identity.  I don't flaunt it (my profession and other relationships don't quite allow for that), but I'm more open about it with vanilla friends who are safe.  And I've found that the more open I am, the more I find like-minded people.

Still, there are more similarities than differences.  Though I had yet to experience a relationship with spanking at the core, my statements of identity and desire are still very true.  I do want a dominant man to spank me sexually and spank me for punishment.  I had no idea about the complexities of incorporating punishment into a long-term relationship when I wrote that, but those words are still at the heart of my kink.

It's also interesting for me to look back at the process of my becoming who I am today.  Sometimes I forget how hard-fought each step was.  But this entry was monumental: I was acknowledging the truth to myself in ink and I was no longer ashamed of it.  I also see elements of what was to be, in terms of noticing other dominant-type men around me and acknowledging my reaction to them.  Seeds of what was to come…

A Real Punishment

It's been a long time since I've earned a real punishment.  Sure, I've been smacked and scolded; I've mouthed off and stuck out my tongue; I've transgressed minor rules and even gotten hairbrushed a little.  But a real, serious, big-time punishment?  It's been a while.

So when I got a text message from M on Monday, I was nervous.  The text said, "When you get home you are to change into your plaid skirt and a white shirt and wait for me."  Gulp.  Wouldn't you have been a little nervous?

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Kinks in Our Punishment Kink: Insecurity

One of the best things about the Punishment Book, in my opinion, is that among the eight of us authors, we have a lot of years of scene experience.  Some of us have been part of the online community from its earliest seeds.  Some of us are regular party-goers.  Some of us are well-respected authors.  All of us have spent years coming to terms with our kink: running from it, refining it, chiding ourselves, feeling the warm rush of acceptance (from ourselves and others), nurturing others, relishing it, and living with a strongly empowered sense of identity.

And after all those years of struggle?  Ta da!  We’re all accomplished scene advisors.  We have individual web sites and all contribute to this highly respected blog.  Which must mean that we’re all completely over the insecurities of this kinky identity, right?

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Out of Whack

M and I got back from Shadow Lane a little over a week ago, and I've had lots to think about since then.  I had a wonderful time there: saw lots of old friends, met some new ones, and got to play with people I like very much.  This hasn't always been my preferred (ahem) position at parties.  For a long time I only went to socialize; I didn't want to play with anyone other than my primary partner.  That has to do with an experience from a long time ago that did not happen at a party but colored my opinion about public play.

Anyway, I've changed my tune and now very much enjoy playing with a few people at parties.

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You want to spank me with WHAT?

I’ve been trying to compose a detailed post catching everyone up on my life, but it’s taking too much time and getting too long-winded.  So here’s the update: M and I are back together.  And doing very well.  We are reincorporating discipline back into our relationship (though Chris still has disciplinary power too–now I have multiple tops watching me!).  And M has decided that he needs to spank me as close in time to my transgressions as possible.  Which means, given my living quarters, that we need a very quiet implement.

Sigh.  Show of hands: does anyone know what the quietest spanking implement in the world is?

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