W. and I have a book, in which we have been writing down the various rules and "systems" we’ve been trying to set up, in which we record punishments, where the lines parts write are kept, and where we keep notes of what works, what doesn’t, and why.
I guess you would call it our personal "punishment book."
Most of us have inner children. Some of us have inner teenagers. With dissociative identity disorder (D.I.D.), those inner teenagers are a little more complicated to deal with. They are more than that impulse inside, where someone can have a feeling, recognize it, and do something to make that feeling resolve, while still understanding the world in adult terms. So when my inner 14 year old is active, she has all the reasoning and coping skills of an actual 14 year old. You might think this would be challenging, and it is. Or, as W. would say, "Boy, howdy."
W. and I had a long conversation tonight; one of the main topics was me trying to express how I need more structured rules in my life, with both punishment and rewards as part of the system. And as I was talking about the areas where I particularly need help, I had to wonder: am I really, seriously asking to be punished for these things? Do I want to be punished for things I’m nearly certain to do (or, more to the point, do I want to be punished for not doing things I’m nearly certain not to do)?
And the answer is, "No, of course I don’t WANT to be punished for these things."
Which leads to the next question: will punishments work to help me change my behaviors? And there, I think, is the answer.
Last Saturday, I got my first spanking in months. Well, "I" in a slightly loose sense of the word.
Sometimes, the title is the hardest part. I wrote this post over at Breathing In and Breathing Out. It’s about the intersection between being a survivor of childhood abuse and the role of discipline/spanking in my adult life.
I had wondered whether I should post it here, or on my own blog, and decided to put it there because it’s not entirely on-topic, or something like that. I guess it was the easiest way to break through my difficulties with writing, by having a space where I felt less of an obligation to offer at least slightly polished prose.
But when Natty commented that she also thought it might fit over here, I figured that perhaps it was less off-topic than I’d feared, so I thought I’d mention it.
I didn’t expect to have a punishment to write about quite so soon. But I do. (Part of me wondered whether it was because W. wanted me to have something to post about, but she says not. She says it’s not even because of my post on my own blog yesterday, but I know she read it, so I’ve got a few doubts.)
Yesterday was a difficult day for me. In part, it’s because I’ve been having a lot of difficult days lately. And in part, it’s because I had therapy; while therapy is good, it also takes a lot out of me, and leaves me a bit (in the sense where “a bit” means “over 90%”) dissociated. Which is to say, by the time W. got home, I was rather on edge.
But I was managing. W. had given me a totally unexpected “good girl” spanking Wednesday night, and in addition to that, the effects of my Sunday night spanking had only just worn off. So I thought I was in a place where I could make it through the rest of the week.
However… I was also coping with a small part of my brain that was feeling hurt and resentful that W. has had to work such long hours recently. Rationally, I know perfectly well that it’s necessary, and it’s how we pay the bills, and it’s how she’s doing such a great job at work. But this little kid voice inside of me was letting me know that it feels (um, I guess I feel, even though I *swear* it feels separate from me!) a bit lonely and, well, not taken care of. And I guess it was showing, even though I
didn’t think it was.
So after dinner was over, W. said, “I guess you didn’t think I noticed when you painted the wardrobe, so you did it again. I guess you’re telling me you didn’t get the response you wanted. I think I need to spank you for that.”
First, I’m thrilled, just thrilled that the women of the Punishment Book think I’m cool enough to join in.
Okay, so who am I? Well, hm. On my blog, I describe myself as a happily partnered lesbian/dyke spanko. This is true. I also describe myself as a grad student and aspiring housewife. These things are also true. Of course, there’s much more to it than that.
In terms of the Punishment Book, perhaps I should start by talking about the role that discipline plays in my life and relationship. This is a complicated subject. I’ve been a spanko for probably all of my life, and for virtually all of the time we’ve been together, W. (my partner) and I have used spankings for role-play and foreplay and, you know, play.