I’m really sad today because I feel like I have really failed you recently. I hope in the near future I can prove to you that I can engage and provide you the kind of service you deserve, but I can understand why you might be questioning that.
K told me today that you are out of socks, and that another load of laundry has been discovered with ink on it. I just want you to know I’m really sorry. I don’t really even have any words for the situation – every time things fall behind you run out of things, and when I try to rush and catch up things slip through the cracks like with the ink on the laundry.
This is all my fault, and I’m really sorry. I imagine you will punish me if you feel it will help, but regardless I want you to know that I want to make this situation right and I’m working on it. I want to please you, and I’m trying to adjust my habits so that things like this will happen less and less. It shouldn’t ever happen, you deserve better than that.
Please be patient with me as I hash out one of the age old questions of kinky people: What is the purpose of punishment? I am sure you've all seen articles and opinion pieces about this before, but I'm not asking it in general. I'm asking it for myself. Why do Master and I include punishment in our relationship?
Well, the obvious answer is because it's my kink. I've known from the time I was old enough to think about these things that I was oddly interested in punishment, especially spanking. When I went searching for someone to fulfill that fantasy with as an adult, I bumped into Master. Of course, I was not really looking for a Master/ slave relationship. I really just wanted someone to spank me. The fact that we were discussing my submissive mindset was a totally separate thing for me. It still sent shivers down my spine, though, the first time Master told me, "If I am not available to ask, and you use the tools available to you to do what you think I would want, you won't be in trouble." Woah. You mean, I *could* be in trouble? Yeah. Serious shivers.
Fast forward six years and I can tell you a few things about this kink of mine – 1. I'm not a masochist, and apparently needing to be spanked doesn't make me one. 2. I would do almost anything to avoid being punished at any given time. I will do everything in my power to argue my way out of it, because I am very afraid of the reality of punishment when it approaches. 3. I am still insanely turned on by the whole thing. That sure is a predicament.
Parenting kids in a kinky household really is different. I suppose everyone experiences parenthood differently, but I think kinksters definitely have unique challenges.
Our kids have been raised in a very non traditional environment. I
don't think that will really come as a shock to anyone who knows much
about our family. First, they were exposed to polyamory from their
earliest memories. There was always Mommy, Daddy, and, from the time
they were 4 (almost 5) someone else. I wasn't the first person either
of them had in their lives seriously, either. It has always been
perfectly natural for them to see multiple people loving each other and
They also see evidence of our dynamic. Both CC and I always called
him Sir, and I still do. When they were very small they actually
thought it was his name. We also slept on the floor, each with our own
beds on the ground next to Daddy's. Again, I still do this. They've
never thought of it as sleeping on the floor of course, they think,
"Daddy's bed and bridget's bed."
Yet, for all this openness we've
always tried to be very careful about crossing age appropriate lines.
They never see or hear us play. They aren't aware of the specific
sexual dynamics that exist between us. In fact, when CC was pregnant
with the little guy they told me they consider all three of us to be
"married" and then hastened to add, "But you and Daddy don't have
sex… right?" At the time I told them they really needed to talk to
Mommy and Daddy about that.
I've had this plan for a while now to write about topics other than
specific punishments. There are a lot of things that float around in my
head and some day I will have some spare time and be able to actually
sit down and write about some of them. I was just thinking this week
that I needed to make time to write a post for the PB.
From now on I am not going to allow myself to think this thought. It clearly jinxed me. I fear this will be especially long winded story telling, but the back story really does lead up to the conclusion.
My old nemesis has returned, and it's name is toilet paper. Yeah, really. Running out of TP is Master's biggest pet peeve and it's gotten me into trouble in the past. In fact, it is the only offense I can ever recall being punished for more than once. Two nights ago mark the third time I've been punished for it.
This was especially hard for me because there was a guest in attendance. Master is dating someone right now. They've been seeing each other since October. We'll call her J. She is wonderful and I hope to
see great things from this relationship. However, last night her
presence worked against me because she used the last of the toilet
paper in the main bathroom and there was no spare under the sink. Her
natural response was to come out and say, "I am going to steal toilet
paper from the other bathroom." Master's natural response was to give
me the look of death.
I've been lucky in many ways. For almost my entire adult life I've had
the luxury of being "out" to everyone close to me. Although it wasn't
by choice, my parents found out all the gory details of my relationship
pretty early on. When you live in a family comprised of one man and two
women, the neighbors notice. We even came out to the school. I've
never held a job where it mattered one way or the other if people
figured out what was going on at home. I couldn't afford to. Having an
unorthodox living arrangement and having appeared in adult films come
together to make things not worth hiding.
So why don't I have this same luxury now? Basically, because our wife left us.
My Master is going to beat me. I don't know exactly when, and I am
not even 100% clear as to why. Yet, it has become clear to both of us
that this is what is going to happen. We both need to clear the air.
I'm terrified. I haven't been seriously beaten in a very. long. time.
It makes sense, our dynamic has more or less taken a backseat to the
events of the last couple of years. First, Master and CC were changing
and having issues and most of the focus was there. Then, they were
splitting and the focus was there. It's really been at least two years
since we've been focused on each other and our dynamic in any real way.
For a highly dramatic and whiny account of the unraveling of our poly family you can read backwards on my personal blog. For the purposes of this post, it's enough to know that CC has decided to go her own way, and the last year has been spent largely on this change in family status.
are a lot of things that are different now. I am not sure we will ever
be back to that "pure" Master and slave dynamic we had in years past,
but it's certainly a goal of ours. Running a household and supporting
each other through a painful breakup has changed things in ways neither
of us would have guessed. It put a huge amount of stress on each of us
individually and on our relationship. There have been moments when I
was not at all sure we were going to make it together.
Tomorrow afternoon I leave work early and head to the Shadowlane Pary
in Vegas for the weekend. I’m going to be dressed in my new English
school uniform. This means I get to go through airport security, the
trip to Vegas, and the cab ride to the hotel dressed as a school girl.
Am I embarrassed? Hmm a bit. How did this come about? Well, let me tell
So, I was punished the other day. I didn’t really disagree with it
because I definitely made a mistake. He had planned to have some large
items hauled away,and a couple of months ago I signed up for it. Yet,
we missed the date for that even though all of us had mentioned it and
wondered about it in the days leading up to it. That’s pretty cut and
But, my Owner and I are sort of at an impasse about some of the
finer details. You see, although I did definitely mess up and did
deserve to be punished, I felt that this was an issue where
responsibility was shared between the three of us. I felt CC could and
should have just as easily solved this issue the several times she
brought it up, and similarly so could he. So, I’m not saying I
shouldn’t have done it, because I should have. I’m also not making any
judgments about whether or not CC should be punished (although I think
he thinks so). I just think we all failed.
I've been wanting to write on this subject for some time now, but haven't really been able to find the words for it. I still don't think I am adequately expressing myself, but I'm going to make an attempt. I'm sorry for those of you who may be bored, but the subject I'm about to talk about is not really kinky. Instead I’m going to talk about something that is probably going to be
boring for a lot of you. That’s right, I’m going to talk about
religion. Feel free to surf somewhere else now if this is not your
thing. I’ll be back to something kinky soon.
I’ve been on a very long spiritual journey considering that my life has
been relatively short. I won’t bore you with all of those details, but
I’ll tell you where it has taken me. I am a Christian. Really. There
are plenty who think this is at odds with my chosen lifestyle. I’ll
tell you a secret though. I think before I was aware of my nature as a
submissive I was getting my needs for structure, dominance and
obedience met through the Church. I was incredibly legalistic with it
and followed all the rules and regulations very scrupulously.
I’m in a pretty weird place today. Unfortunately I can’t go into all
the details, but I can say I’ve been involved in a pretty big screwup.
I’m one of those people who tends to be very hard on myself. I have a
lot of ingrained guilt, and even when I haven’t screwed up big time I
can usually find several examples of mistakes throughout a given day.
If left to my own devices I could easily find a reason why I deserve
punishment all the time.
My Owner doesn’t view me the same way. One of the earliest pieces
of advice he ever gave me was, “Being a better submissive means
learning to trust your Dominant to punish you when you need it and not
do it to yourself.” I’ve always taken that to heart, but I’m not
terribly good at putting it into practice. You can probably imagine
that if I’m guilt ridden in general, I’m ridiculous when I have
something specific to obsess about.