Something Good

One day there was a terrible, no good, very bad day. Very bad day. Let me repeat: very bad day.

Near the end of this no-good day, I drove more than usual, sat in fucking traffic more than usual, got home late, banged my knee hard. Had to clean the back seat of the car to hopefully remove the overpowering scent of apricot dragonfruit sweet Lifewater spilled during aforementioned traffic. I was perhaps a bit too dramatic with a small one who rarely gets in trouble and made a smelly, thoughtless mistake, and I felt guilty because I never want her to be in trouble – not even when she honestly should be.

You know what? It all sucked.

And then Chris pulled out the hamburger to make us dinner on the grill and it was rotten.

I mean, it's not a big deal, right? Make something else. Except (to be honest) I need to go to the grocery. We didn't have any other fresh meat. Frustrated, he asked me to not buy hamburger in the way the makes it affordable to have fresh meat in the house. It was too damn much.

It wasn't a big deal. It was a pound and a half of hamburger.

I cried.

I walked away to cry by myself. To be alone. To cry.

Chris, bless his heart, followed me into the bedroom, shut the door, and told me to calm down.

Calm down. Honestly, I was being calm. I was fighting to stay calm. I was crying while I folded laundry, by myself, my lips compressed tightly together. And he walked in and told me I needed to calm down.

How calm did he want me to be? I nearly lost it and said everything horrible thing about myself and him that might possibly every be true but isn't. I stood there and held it inside. And he grabbed my wrist and pulled me over his lap.

I asked him what he thought he was doing, even as I cried. We both knew the princess was awake and aware.  And already upset because I scolded and lectured and fussed and metaphorically stomped my feet. He pulled down my yoga pants and smacked my behind.

Not hard. Not loud. Just enough to make me want him to do it like he wanted to touch me, instead of smack me. He lectured. He offered his opinion. I cried some more, mostly because he was telling me I was overreacting. I tried not to get angry, tried not to say more than I absolutely had to say. I just cried and stayed where he put me and wished he was comforting instead of smacking and wishing that something good would happen.

Something good was happening, only we were both too hungry to see it. I was too upset to see it, and he was too tired of my horrible no-good very bad day to see it.

So I said something I shouldn't have. He went out to get dinner to feed us. I cried some more.

Last night, Chris forced innumerable orgasms on me (all right, not innumerable… but ten. I felt like I was dying.) and then fucked me. I loved every second he touched me and wanted more – without the orgasms – of the contact. But the rich pleasure wasn't the same as those few minutes I laid across his thigh and cried into the duvet.

I want the something good to come back.

9 thoughts on “Something Good

  1. Geeeeee

    It must have been hard to write this post. But perhaps a bit therapeutic as well? In any event, you’ve had the bad day, you’ve had the postmortem. Tomorrow is another day!
    Perhaps I’m struck by your post because tonight I’ve been doing my own reflection on how many times I’ve stumbled, fumbled, and generally screwed something up. Hate those times when they happen, but I realized tonight it’s from those times I’ve learned to handle things differently.
    I also realized – and this is my main point – tomorrow is another day. And the “something good” WILL come back. In fact, it’s out there right now, waiting for you.
    Be well, my friend!

  2. dykegrrl

    Oh, boy, have I had those days. The ones where it feels like everything goes wrong, or (in death by papercuts method) only *stupid* things go wrong. And all you need is something **GOOD** to happen, to remind you that the whole world doesn’t suck.
    And for me, being told to calm down when I’ve gotten to that state almost invariably sparks an escalation. Really, anything that isn’t sympathy for the fact that I’m feeling crappy will make me lose it even more than I already have. Given a good night’s sleep and some time to reset, I can usually get unstuck from those bad feelings now, but it works much better and faster when something good comes from outside of me.
    I hope that the something good has come to you already, or will soon.

  3. Serenity Everton

    I’m trying to be patient and let it come to me, because wandering around in the great, wide world searching for good is rather depressing.
    But, hey. Thank you 🙂 I’d like to imagine I’m perfect and there’s no *reason* for Chris to need to spank me, either to exorcise anything or to punish me, but that’s wishful thinking.
    Also, I need a different job. There just aren’t that many around that still allow for me to make a living wage and pick up my daughter after school. /shrug/ So I take one day at a time and am hoping to keep making it work out.
    So nice to see you back, looking forward to seeing you in person again!

  4. Serenity Everton

    I didn’t actually have the “You have got to be kidding me, what do you MEAN CALM DOWN?” reaction. I had the “I’m so confused, I thought I was being relatively calm” and “You think THIS is not calm?” reactions. *sigh*

  5. Casey Morgan

    “Something good was happening, only we were too hungry to see it.”
    Resonant on so many levels. I often wonder if this is the case with me. This quote needs writing down somewhere…

  6. dykegrrl

    For me, it’s usually a matter of losing the control I’ve been fighting for. Even if I rationally know that just letting myself cry and let go of the emotion is the quickest way to get through it… well, that’s not my natural response. And, honestly, being told to calm down or someone trying to soothe me without first acknowledging how horrible everything is, just intensifies that feeling. Bleah.
    And being stuck in a job that makes you less than happy exacerbates all of it–W is in that situation right now, and I hate it, because we need the income, but I wish I could save her from the stress of the job.

  7. My Slutty Princess

    Hey there! Me and my sub just found your blog, and we love it. We’re just starting our own blog ourselves and we would love to be in touch with other BDSM bloggers/readers. This is an invitation to you and all interested observers to pay us a visit (we’ve been feeling very lonely there 🙂 ).
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  8. Laura@daisytrail

    You had a rotten day. It happens. I wish I could sympathize some more but I’m sort of smiling about how well your husband handled most of it. Granted, him saying that you shouldn’t buy the meat that way doesn’t make any sense. I mean, that’s how it’s cheaper- but my point is not to beat on him. I’m just making the point that I understand how irritated you must have felt when he said that.


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