Less A Woman

At some point in the last ten years, I began equating my femininity with my sexuality. I don't know when or how this happened. I suspect that Chris's concerted efforts at making me feel beautiful and sexy – often while we were doing something sexually arousing – contributed. But, in the end, the mental connection was one I made.

That was all well and good until sometime around Halloween, when gynecological issues (you may know more detail than that if you follow my twitter feed) interrupted* our sexual and spanking play. Increasingly as November went by and by, I felt more and more blue. It might have been, as some have experienced, a natural consequence of the month and season. But when December and Advent came, and my mood continued in a relatively consistent downward spiral, I started being my introspective self.

You'll notice I stopped blogging. It's because I knew what I wanted to say. I knew I wanted to say it. But I didn't know quite how. I didn't know quite how to say it without it seeming like it was Chris's fault. I couldn't quite write it down without a solution.  I couldn't imagine having to respond to the practical advice of just be patient to anyone more than my doctor and overly patient husband.  (BTW, phone call to the doctor next week, as soon as we're back in town again.) I'm still not sure I'm saying anything worth actually writing down.

You see, we weren't having sex. Or spanking. And so, you see, I felt increasingly … well, ugly. Unwanted. Unwomanly. Asexual. It didn't matter that we were being intimate occasionally. Chris does enjoy oral sex (seriously, I don't know any man who doesn't) and he was able to stimulate me to orgasm, though less so as December dragged on and on and on, and my blue-ness and depression sort of worsened.

When it came time to pack for vacation, I wasn't really excited. And I'm afraid my lack of enthusiasm for much of anything contributed to the problem – why would Chris want to be intimate with me when I must have been patently uninterested? To be sure, I was uninterested in anything:  paying attention to him, working consistently, doing housework, cooking, shopping, going to Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios…  And I knew why. I just couldn't do anything about it. 

As the weeks passed, and the relationship between my sexuality and my femininity crystallized. I knew what was missing quite keenly (sex, spanking, kink, naked intimacy, hormonal balance, etc) and there I was, making an effort to put a facade on for the world that Christmas was coming and that everything was cheery and glorious.

Chris and I had proper sex for the first time in nearly two months on Christmas night. It was in a strange bed, in a different state, and I was so relieved I almost cried. It'd been so long that we had to think even about the position, and clearly Chris's wrist is out of shape. Boxing Day saw a repeat. Monday was a lost cause – the 20 hours spent fighting airports and airplanes and traveling was a loss – despite the best of plans I was just happy to collapse onto my own pillow last night and Chris was already snoring.

He woke me up at 5:30 this morning to fuck my ass.

I think that might have been the best Christmas present yet.

I realized this morning that, despite a vicious cold virus, I feel almost whole again. I haven't been spanked yet (staying with family and all) though we have plans to do that in a bit when the princess is off on a playdate. It promises to be a significantly painful event, made more so by my near-virgin bottom, his itchy palm and my recent acknowledgment that a significant spanking (and other bottom-related attention-getting activities) would help balance me.

So now I am wondering how I can break this sad link I have made in my head. Clearly I am a woman, whether I am celibate or sexually active. But feeling like I am not one – or less of one than I ought to be – is clearly getting in the way of my productivity, cheerfulness and wifely compatibility.




* According to WordPress, I spelled femininity, interrupted, and gynecological all right on the first try! Whee! I even checked to be sure spell check was on!

17 thoughts on “Less A Woman

  1. Sara

    s, I don’t know if I can offer true “help”, but I do want to say you were missed, and I am sorry you have been having such a rough time. I think it’s entirely normal to equate sexuality with femininity…there is indeed a relatedness, altho they’re not exactly synonymous, for sure. I also think depression lowers one’s sex drive and one’s interest in life in general. Hormone imbalance does that. Lack of spanking does that…it seems it all combined into one big downward spiral.
    I am glad you’re feeling a bit better. When life seems to conspire, body, mind, life events, I don’t know what else to do but keep on, one day at a time, one task at a time, one sexual interaction, one spanking…eventually they add up, and I move along, and things get better. And the SAD lite can be a good thing. And of course meds. Gotta love those meds for true depression! Seeing the Dr is probably a good move.
    I hope you can keep writing!

  2. William

    Glad to see you back. Sometimes you just need to have sex even when you don’t feel like it to get back where you need to be. Endorphins are wonderful to get you feeling back to normal. Of course they can be released by both pleasure and pain. Isn’t that great!!!

  3. Lunargirl

    I am so sorry that you are stuck with this issue. I struggled with it for about six years before I finally gave in (at Her insistence) and saw the ob Dr.
    The difference is phenomenal, night and day.
    I don’t know how to un-link the feelings you speak of although I do very acutely understand them. I feel it is this way for many women, and yes it is like that for me as well.
    Glad to hear you are seeing the doctor about it. May your luck be as great as mine on that front.

  4. Serenity Everton

    To clarify, I’m calling my gynecologist next week. I really think my down-ish spirits are very interrelated to my female ailment, so fixing that is our top priority. The two-month hiatus on sex and spanking is directly caused by that problem.
    In any event, there is no way I would want to be on an anti-depressant med that would then interfere with fixing the (progesterone/estrogen) hormonal imbalance… I’m not adverse to a medicated solution, I just want to give myself the best chance of a medical recovery first. If that makes any sort of sense.
    And thanks Sara 🙂

  5. justagirl

    Reading the possible treatment, I think I might have gone through the same thing this year or something similar. I felt positively unsexy and unsexual for a while but I did come out of it quickly. There’s nothing I can offer that could be any help other than I’ve held on to other things to define my beauty and desirability in the past few years. That could have been a protective mechanism from when I was in a sexless (previous – thankfully) relationship. It still didn’t stop the depression and worry from coming but I think it helped me move past it faster than without it. Thinking good thoughts for you! Be well!

  6. princess little one

    I’ve enjoyed your blog for a while now. I understand completely and am going through some of the same issues. I know this sounds vain, but I got my best friend to go shop (I never shop) with me and found a few new clothes that looked good on me. Then I found some drop dead new shoes. Something about some hot new shoes makes you feel So Sexy. Now, I may just wear them to the grocery…ha! As my friend said, “We are not getting any younger, we might as well decorate”. You are a beautiful woman. Embrace that!

  7. Angie

    Really wondering what the doctor says. I have a friend who’s going through something very similar to you (physically) and she desperately wants ablation — our insurance copay for it would be $1750!! So, she switched to her husband’s insurance and is now not far from finally being able to do it.
    I have never felt very feminine, to be honest. I’ve always been a tomboy, and even sex-partners have remarked that I’m “just like a guy.” (Though maybe not so much anymore … that was back when I was a “one and done” girl and needed SLEEP after orgasm. Going w/out sex for almost 7 years — yep, in a relationship for 4 1/2 of those — I now find that I’m multiply orgasmic and it’s AWESOME. LOL ) Anyway, with that said, I don’t understand the issue — but from everything you’ve said and written, I feel very very positive that when your medical issues are taken care of, things will fall back into place. And, like Mija said, I always find you lovely, sexy and fun!

  8. Iris

    I’m sorry it took me so long to find this post!
    *I* have always valued you as a woman because of your kind heart, thoughtfulness, tremendous strength, faithfulness, wicked sense of humor, ability to multitask, nurturing presence, and generosity of spirit. It makes sense why you equate womanhood with sexuality, but what I see and love about you is so, so much more. I hope you can see and appreciate these other things too, dear heart, because you are truly a magnificent woman.
    Much love,

  9. Serenity Everton

    You can have a sexless relationship? This, to be honest, boggles my mind. I mean, I know it’s possible (I’m sure my parents never had sex, ha!) but I really can’t imagine how it would work long-term, if sex was never on the table as being a current or future option.
    Or maybe it’s just that I have a high sex drive. *wince*

  10. Serenity Everton

    Again, having a relationship where there’s no sex… I’m still trying to fathom it. Then again, we had to talk about Chris’s 90+-year-old grandfather’s sex life at New Year’s, so maybe our family is just a bit out of whack on the sex drive thing.
    Wow, so need to blog about that, as trying not to remember it isn’t working.

  11. Donna B

    Wow, you’ve certainly been through something there. Glad to hear you’re nearly whole again and almost ready to be spanked! As for your tremendous spelling, I must say I’m more than impressed 🙂


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