Someone Else’s Fantasy

There are very few things about one's body that feel sexy when one is pregnant.  There are even fewer after delivery.  (Gi-normous breasts excepted.)

Actually, I had a fairly strong libido during pregnancy.  What we couldn't enact in real life got pushed into my head and I was able to get some satisfaction from vivid fantasies, close proximity to M, and a good vibrator.  In the three weeks since our son's birth, though, I haven't been able to orgasm once.  Part of this is due to the rigors of new parenting and the simple lack of opportunity.  But even when I have a few stolen moments to myself, or M and I have a rare minute together, I can't come.  The desire is there, but my body can't get on board. 

It has also been a loooong time since I've been spanked, for punishment or
pleasure.  M has given me a few swats here and there, but intense
physical play has been off the table for a while now and will be for a
while to come (c-section incision has to heal first).  

But even though I can't play and I can't come, that doesn't mean my life is completely devoid of kink.  In fact, I've experienced lots of kinky things since becoming a mother.  None of them happen to correspond to anything I like, but in the spirit of making lemonade out of lemons, I'm trying to have a sense of humor about it.  Here are a few of them:

1.) Orgasm denial.  I've already noted that I can't come, but this could also be interpreted as an injunction against orgasms.  Sparkle has a standing rule about asking permission from Chris before she can orgasm, and while this doesn't work for me in normal life (I get too focused on not coming and then I simply can't), it seems to be de rigeur in post-partum life. 

2.) Nipple torture.  I really, really hate nipple play in normal life, even relatively gentle stimulation.  I have incredibly sensitive nipples and don't like them to be touched unless I'm already really turned on.  It's a source of amusement and frustration for M, who would dearly love to play with them more and has to be satisfied with teasing me and being very gentle with them.  Breastfeeding, then, has been agony.  Women with nipples of (I presume) average sensitivity have told me how painful it was for them to breastfeed, and it has been really hard for me.  M, on the other hand, loves it.  He gets a sick (my adjective) pleasure from watching my face contort when our little guy latches on.  He says he loves watching me be in pain and then have to push past the pain.  He also loves that someone else is inflicting it on me instead of him.  Sigh.  At least someone is having a good time, even if it's my sadistic voyeur of a husband.

3.) Sleep deprivation.  I am getting a little crazy from the odd sleeping hours.  When I do sleep, I have one ear and one eye open, anxiously attending to little clues that he might be in distress.  I don't know many people who are into this, but the Person Formerly Known as Niki Flynn was into mind fucks and pushing boundaries.  Her Lupus films pushed the edges of kink and I can easily imagine her doing one about sleep deprivation and the anxiety/psychosis produced by a dictatorial warden who enjoys letting her drift off and then awakening her with frightening noises.  She knows she needs to sleep while she can, but her mind can't relax enough to rest…

4.) Enemas.  Enemas are definitely not my thing.  I know some people love them, but I've never found the idea sexy and never had the desire to try it.  Fortunately, M feels the same way, so I'd previously been spared the experience, unlike poor Mija.  Post-partum hormones, however, do interesting things to one's body.  In addition to making me bond fiercely with the baby and cry at the drop of a hat, they have also affected my gastrointestinal system.  Which was how I found myself needing an e*e*a, as Mija calls it.  Mine was self-administered and the whole experience reinforced my perception of them as undesirable, but I know there are many enema enthusiasts out there who might have gotten off on just such a predicament.

So there you go.  I guess post-baby life is incredibly kinky and sexy–just not for me.  I must have ended up in someone else's fantasy.  

Note: Please don't take any of this as complaining, just my attempt to find humor in this new world I find myself in.  M has been amazing in supporting me and taking care of the baby, and I am utterly in love with both my men.  I'm exhausted, confused, teary, and overwhelmed, but life is good and we're all healthy.  There is much to celebrate and appreciate, not the least of which are my supportive family and friends (sparkle, Chris, Mija, and Paul especially!).

7 thoughts on “Someone Else’s Fantasy

  1. Mija

    Hello there!
    What a great entry — your sense of humor is definitely intact.
    We’re so happy for you and M and the very lucky baby-child who’s found you both (okay, that you both made).
    A friend once commented that he knew he was a sadist when he found himself turned on while watching a doctor examining his (pregnant) wife’s breasts and making them hurt.
    If it makes you feel any better, I’ll remind you that I can only orgasm under very specific circumstances. Not because of any sort of denial / rule, but just because of a frustrating level of internal repression.
    In any case, it’s good to see you, so to speak.

    Reply
  2. Bridget

    Orgasm denial isn’t my kink either, but it’s something I’ve lived with for the last five years. I have to ask every time, and I am told no as often as I am told yes. So, I hear you there. I have faith that your hormones will come back around and your body will eventually cooperate, though@
    It is so lovely to hear from you! I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and I had already heard from M how much he is enjoy your breast feeding dilemmas.
    I want to know if your enjoyment if canes will remain intact… after the incision heals of course.

    Reply
  3. iris_731

    Mija, I guess it’s good to know that other men enjoy watching the torture their partners endure for the sake of a baby. And it’s probably a good thing that your friend’s wife and I were/are under the influence of hormones that make our memories hazy. Some things are really better forgotten.
    Bridget, once I’m healed up and have the green light from my doctor (and the green light from my subconscious), I’m positive M will be testing all kinds of things on my bottom. We’ll keep you posted on the results. 🙂

    Reply
  4. Indy

    This is such a great entry. How you have the sense of humor and wherewithal to put it together on no sleep, I cannot even begin to fathom! I hope you heal quickly and the little guy learns the difference between night and day with enviable precociousness.

    Reply
  5. Raven

    I just love this post. Yes, as Mija says, your sense of humor is just absolutely perfect.
    My little guy is now 2…during my pregnancy with him, I definitely had a stronger libido than with my now 5-y/o daughter. Those were some amazing days. 🙂
    Congrats to you and yours…and do get some rest. Really. I know that it’s hard to sleep soundly now that you have the little guy…but those well meaning people who come up with advice like sleep when he sleeps, etc., really are smart. 🙂
    Blessings,
    Raven

    Reply
  6. iris_731

    Indy, I think the lack of sleep helps with the sense of humor in some ways–or at least it heightens the delirium. Potato, potahto.
    Thanks, Nic!
    Raven, you’re so right about sleeping when he does. I’m still learning that the hard way (when have I ever learned anything the easy way?), but it makes a big difference.

    Reply

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