I've had this plan for a while now to write about topics other than
specific punishments. There are a lot of things that float around in my
head and some day I will have some spare time and be able to actually
sit down and write about some of them. I was just thinking this week
that I needed to make time to write a post for the PB.

From now on I am not going to allow myself to think this thought. It clearly jinxed me. I fear this will be especially long winded story telling, but the back story really does lead up to the conclusion.

My old nemesis has returned, and it's name is toilet paper. Yeah, really. Running out of TP is Master's biggest pet peeve and it's gotten me into trouble in the past. In fact, it is the only offense I can ever recall being punished for more than once. Two nights ago mark the third time I've been punished for it.

This was especially hard for me because there was a guest in attendance. Master is dating someone right now. They've been seeing each other since October.  We'll call her J. She is wonderful and I hope to
see great things from this relationship. However, last night her
presence worked against me because she used the last of the toilet
paper in the main bathroom and there was no spare under the sink.  Her
natural response was to come out and say, "I am going to steal toilet
paper from the other bathroom." Master's natural response was to give
me the look of death.

I had of course been hoping that my punishment would take place after she went home, but I wasn't really expecting it. I am no stranger to being punished around other people. From the earliest days of my relationship I could expect to be taken to the basement or bedroom and beaten while CC stayed in one of the other rooms and either tried or pretended not to listen.

In the beginning it bothered me, because I consider punishment to be one of the most intimate pieces of our relationship. But, over time I got used to it. And as I came to love CC I viewed it as just another facet of us sharing our lives together. Of course, J isn't a long term partner and I don't know our future looks like yet. But, I still didn't really think he would give me the luxury of privacy.

Predictably, when we wrapped up our last game of Skipbo Master said, "Bridget and I are going to go talk, you stay put." J was left in the living room and I was removed to the bedroom. I was pretty terrified because this is the only recurring issue we have ever dealt with and this was the third occurrence. I knew it would probably be severe.

And so it was. The strapping was hard and relatively fast. The only real interruption was from me continually putting my foot in the way. I swear it is a reflex. Master hates that I do it though, and as annoyed as he was with me he didn't have any patience for it.  I half think it is part of the reason he did what came next.

Afterward I lay in a puddle on the floor bawling and Master held me. Yet, for some reason, I didn't feel he was finished. I felt he was still angry and needed to spank me some more. I asked him if he was finished and he said, "I am finished spanking you, but I think you need to go to bed." Words can not describe how crushed I was by these words.

What I needed most was to be have the closure that comes with discipline. I had every expectation that when he was done with me I would get myself together and rejoin them in the living room and bring the night to a successful close. I was completely unprepared for banishment. Never in my wildest imaginings would I have thought he would do that at that moment.

I will admit, there was no grace at all in the way I took the news. I burst into a renewed bout of tears and begged him not to do it- to beat me some more if he was still angry. I told him I needed him and repeated, "Please don't please don't please don't." I could not for the life of me understand why he did it, or why I couldn't convince him horrible he was being. He just told me to go say goodnight to J and come back to the bedroom.

Master told me he wasn't leaving me because he was angry but because he wanted my punishment to be memorable – third offense and all.  Whatever his reasons, I cried myself to sleep convinced that he didn't care about my needs and feeling hurt and abandoned. Master enjoyed the rest of his evening with J, and sometime after she went home he came to bed too, but he was far too tired to talk about it then.

I wanted that to be the end of it, as you might well imagine, but it wasn't for me. Yesterday I woke feeling just as devastated as I'd felt when he left me the night before. I spent most of yesterday incredibly sad. Naturally I talked to Master about it.I sent him an email detailing all the feelings I felt – my fear, sadness, feelings of abandonment.  I asked him if it was really his intent to punish me so severely over toilet paper, and he said yes. He said that it doesn't really matter what the issue is, three times is too many.

Later, when we were both home again he asked me if I need more spanking to feel closure. I am still thinking that over. I hope the answer will be no, but I don't seem to be able to let go of this. Sending me to bed doesn't seem to have functioned as an ending for me, but a beginning. I still feel like a bad girl. That did lead to a minor revelation for me, though.

Sometime last night while Master was putting the baby to bed and I had time to stop and think by myself I had a light bulb go on. Part of the reason I feel like a bad girl is that I am not fully buying into discipline or what it means to be a slave. I already know I am not supposed to like it, but I was allowing myself to believe that Master still was supposed to meet my needs on my terms. He isn't. Punishment isn't about my needs, at least not in that moment.

I told Master that he was right to ignore my pleadings. I told him that I want to get back to a place where I can trust him to tell me what some of my needs are and to meet them without so much focus on myself, because my biggest need is to shift my focus back to a different place right now.

I asked him why he couldn't just beat me until he was finished. He told me that sometimes it isn't that simple. He told me there is sometimes a build up of energy and he needs time apart to let it dissipate. It's the same reason he sometimes puts me in the corner after a spanking. 

I can't honestly say that this resolved it for me. I still feel like a bad girl. I still am waiting for that closure I need. But for now I am trying to trust Master, and to remember the TP.

5 thoughts on “Closure

  1. Haron

    Honey, I can’t help thinking that an answer to lack of closure after a punishment ought to be the next natural step (forgiveness & comforting) rather than a return to the previous step (more punishment). You won’t get a different result out of repeating the very same thing again.
    Also, you write: “I already know I am not supposed to like it, but I was allowing myself to believe that Master still was supposed to meet my needs on my terms. He isn’t.”
    Isn’t he? When you submit to punishment, you make yourself absolutely vulnerable. You’re under physical duress and emotional manipulation. What you feel as “your needs” can well be your brain protecting itself from succumbing to absolute misery. I assume your guy doesn’t want you absolutely miserable, just temporarily uncomfortable? In that case he’s got to think about your needs, master/slave dynamic notwithstanding.

  2. Bridget

    Haron –
    I don’t think you’re wrong that closure should include forgiveness and comforting, but the thing is I’ve already had those things.
    Master held me immediately after he beat me. He held me again when he came to bed. He’s held me when we’ve talked about it. He’s told me he is over it and forgives me. None of those things have been withheld. This isn’t something Master is holding over me, it’s something I am holding over myself.
    With regard to my needs, I don’t think I was suggesting he shouldn’t think about my needs, I was suggesting that I shouldn’t. Master has always taken care of me with punishment. He’s always given me everything I needed and more, and I’ve never been abused or needed to worry about the outcome. So why should I do that this time? What I am saying is that I’ve put him in this position for a reason and even if I really hate what he is doing I need to remember who he is and who I am, and not assume he is the one int he wrong.
    Master intended the punishment I received to be severe. He knew that making me stay in bed alone would have that effect. It isn’t really for me to question that, it is for me to experience it. Does he want me absolutely miserable? Not long term, no. But yes, he did want to make an impression.
    When he and I talked about this I told him I didn’t think it even mattered if I got closure as long as punishing me met his needs. He told me that is absolutely untrue. He said it didn’t meet his needs or achieve what he wanted if I don’t feel closure.
    Does that clarify at all? The last thing I want is for you to think that Master is an asshole who doesn’t care at all about my needs.

  3. Mija

    This blog entry raises a lot of different thoughts for me.
    The first was “o nos! The TP issue again!” Seriously, having talked with you about your reaction to getting in trouble about this in the past, my first thought reading this was to wonder whether part of the problems you’ve had being punished for this in the past (and maybe this time too) is that (for you) this issue (the TP) seems a rather trivial one and is a rule that exists entirely for his rather than your benefit.
    On the other hand, weird though this may seem, it’s also a rule I have a lot of sympathy with. For a number of reasons, I don’t spend a lot of time imagining having a submissive or slave. but if I did, this is the one rule I know I’d have — nothing bugs me more than there not being TP in the bathroom unless it’s the house running out altogether. Without going into too much detail, it makes me tense at a time I especially don’t like being tense. I’d be even more annoyed if I felt like the person who was supposed to be looking after it thought I was being petty in demanding it. (At least I think that’s how I’d feel. I admit it’s a bit of a stretch.)
    My second thought was on the issue of the lack of closure (for you, as you point out). I’m not sure how it is for anyone else, but I know when I’m punished for something that I’ve been punished before, I don’t feel like a good girl after it’s over. (Sadly this happens far more often for me than it does with you — it’s rare that I only need to be punished for something once.) Being punished, especially when it’s something that’s an issue for P is very unsettling and takes a lot of time for me to process and get through. I feel like I have to prove I’m “good” not by having endured the physical punishment, but by being aware and good afterward. The physical spanking / thrashing /beating (or whatever lovely word we to call it) is just the line that’s been drawn. It’s how I move forward from it that determines how I feel about myself. That can take days and days to really settle, you know? For me it’s only in fiction / fantasy that I feel “good” after being punished.
    Now, the last thing. I think I understand how you felt about being excluded and sent to bed — having to go to bed early is added sometimes as a punishment for me too. I think it’s partly an acknowledgement that something serious has happened, and things shouldn’t just go back to the way they were as though the punishment were something trivial and remind me to look toward tomorrow rather than dwelling on the past. Sounds like it upset you because you’d braced yourself to be punished one way and had it happen another, if that makes sense. You said it’s not something that’s been done before which made me wonder if a reason for that wasn’t just this was the third time, but also because in the past your responsibilities to your family made it hard for you to be sent to bed early — there was just too much to do.
    Anyway, as you can see, these thoughts have been mulling around in my head since you first posted this blog entry. I’ve more even, but this is probably enough to be going forward with. Hope you’re feeling better. I know how unsettling something like this can be.

  4. Bridget

    Mija you may be onto something here. I don’t usually feel good immediately after either. You’ve seen me immediately after being in trouble at the last SL and you may remember that even a relativity small thing can affect me for a while. Maybe the difference is that I have some experience with that. I know how I process that, so it doesn’t feel like lack of closure it just feels like “the process ” … not sure if that makes sense. I have reason to except a sense of closure from most “regular ” punishments that haven’t been repeated 3 times.
    As far as being sent to bed you’re definitely right that not expecting it made it worse. I think having J there made it much harder for me too. Master told me that it was the late evening timing that primarily affected his decision to have me go to bed rather than stand in the corner. I can’t say if I would have reacted similarly to being put in the corner or not.
    I just wish I knew how to hit the reset button for myself.

  5. dykegrrl

    I just wish I knew how to hit the reset button for myself.
    yeah. i’ve had that wish, too.
    i have to admit that w’s referred to me as “the toilet paper fairy” for years: my brain works in a way that gives me several warnings as the tp gets low, and the warnings get even louder when i’ve only got a day before the tp runs out. too bad i can’t share that particular mental quirk.
    on the other hand, i might want an exchange, because you rarely get punished more than once for something.
    i find myself repeatedly punished for the same two or three offenses. over and over. i might go a few months, or even a bit longer, but if something is an issue for me, it’s where i’m likely to repeatedly fail to follow the rules. so my process around that is a little different, i suspect.
    but i digress.
    i recognize that struggle to accept that when we are being punished, it won’t necessarily be on our terms. at the same time, and this may be more pertinent in my relationship than in others’, w and i make a point of giving each other feedback about what’s working or not working.
    this doesn’t mean that she will necessarily change her choices, but we have a policy of going apart and writing just after a punishment, and sharing that with each other. it’s helped, because i can say, “this is how _____ made me feel.” and if that wasn’t her intent, things can be corrected, or changed in the future.
    but at the same time, i’ve gone back and forth over the process of w establishing (and maintaining) authority. it can be hard for me (as someone with a good imagination, and who has spent my life thinking about what it would be like to be disciplined in a way that felt right) to accept that w’s choices can be different from what i expect without being wrong.
    dang. i keep losing the thread of the comment i intended to make, so i’ll just click “post” and go with what’s here.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *