Starting Over … Again

Well, the prodigal blogger has returned — for now anyway. After getting an email about updates to the site, I felt *really* guilty about not even checking in in – what? – two years? Holy crap.

So much has changed. After four years together, Dave and I called it quits for good on June 15, 2008. It's been 16 months, and writing that sentence made me cry. So, I'm not really dealing well with it, obviously. The short-story is that he doesn't ever want to be a husband or a father, and there's nothing in the world I want more than to be a mom, so it was an impass neither of us could see over. The long story is probably much more convoluted, and something I completely blame myself for. I became a different person than the one he fell in love with, and I wasn't snapping back.

How does all of this affect my life "in the scene?" Well, though Dave and I are still very good friends, and have played several times since our break-up, I'm not doing a very good job of moving foreward and trying to find someone else. Honestly, the idea of trying is exhausting to me. Going into chat rooms, or putting up personals, and having to start those SAME conversations … you know the ones: "How long have you been into spanking? Were you spanked as a child? Who spanked you last? What implements do you like?" BLAH BLAH BLAH. I feel like I tell all of that information over and over again, and none of it is really that important at the beginning – so I don't understand why we ask all of it.

What do I mean by that? I recently began talking to a guy – this was days after deciding I was going to just "Go Vanilla," ironically - who is "similarly wired." And after talking for awhile, and discussing spanking stuff, I finally just said, "I want to meet someone – find out if we like each other, maybe go on dates, and see if we CLICK – and THEN do the spanking thing. Ya know, how Vanillas are with sex? They don't meet for sex and then decide if they want a relationship — so why do WE do it backwards?"  At the time he said that he understood and respected that … but he hasn't emailed me in awhile so I'm thinking he changed his tune. :/  But why DO we do it backwards? If I know someone is basically like me kink-wise (which, to me, is sort of like finding a guy and knowing that he's a heterosexual), then why not meet for dates and real-world types of things before it ever becomes about spanking? Sex and spanking are not always connected, sure, but I'm not looking for a spanking partner – I'm looking for a life-partner who is also a spanko. Just because we are a perfect match in the spanking department doesn't mean we will have ANY chemistry otherwise … right now it just makes more sense to me to figure out if we FIT, before going over his lap.

And I guess the reason for all of that – my whole epiphany – is that I'm TIRED of giving that part of me to someone, and not having things pan-out the way I thought they would. It's an emotional thing, for me, this spanking stuff — and I'm at my most vulnerable when I allow someone in. So, doing that in the absence of knowing if this is someone I want to have in my life in other ways, just seems … dumb. Reckless. Completely void of self-protection. Maybe it's shell-shock, but I can't do it backwards anymore.

14 thoughts on “Starting Over … Again

  1. Mija

    Just a quickie reply here. I’m so happy to see you posting again! I *wasn’t* trying to produce guilt about the updates, honest, but since it resulted in you posting I can’t say I’m TOO sorry.
    I’m sorry to hear about you and Dave. That sort of loss is hard to let go of, I’m sure.
    As to the spanking / dating thing, going back to some of the other entries recently, maybe that’s another plus of long-distance. The physical side does move more slowly and one does get to know the other person emotionally first. Then again, there is something to be said about having a group of spanking friends to play with, even apart from any long term relationship.
    I dunno. Mainly I wanted to say that it’s good to see you again! 🙂

  2. Angie

    Yes, for sure it’s a plus to starting long-distance. I’ve specifically tried to meet guys who are nearby, and they want to move WAY too fast. I’ll say “let’s talk on the phone or email for awhile first” and it’s like they roll their eyes and go on to the next girl. Dave and I were somewhat long-distance at first, too. We were three hours away, and saw each other every two weeks or so. I think that was a STRENGTH in our relationship — we really got to know each other before we were playing or doing real discipline all the time.
    Thanks for the reply — I’m glad I decided to post something. I’ve been needing to have some kind of outlet for the things that are going on in this realm for awhile, but have had a lot of trouble just getting started. I think I need to be reminded, a lot, that “writers” actually WRITE, and I can’t call myself one because I was prolific in my 20s or teens. 😉

  3. dykegrrl

    it’s good to see you again.
    The long story is probably much more convoluted, and something I completely blame myself for. I became a different person than the one he fell in love with, and I wasn’t snapping back.
    please, please, PLEASE don’t blame yourself for this. we can’t know, we have no WAY of knowing who we’ll be in the future. i count my lucky stars that w has been willing to stick with me through all of what i’m going through. looking back, in my case, there are a lot of warning signs of what was going to come, but i was oblivious to them. even with all the signs, it still wasn’t my fault that i changed, and it really wasn’t your fault that *you* changed.
    as for why we do it backwards… that was something that i chose not to do, for a lot of the reasons you list. it’s such a vulnerable position to be in, and such a risk to open up that way.
    in my case, that meant i fell for someone who wasn’t initially into spanking. and that’s been a struggle, but since we match so well in all the other ways, we’ve managed to meet in the middle (if by “middle” you mean “85% over towards my way of doing things”.) i suppose she’s willing to stick with me for my book collection or something. 🙂
    writing is good. i’ve been trying to get back into it as well, so maybe we can encourage each other.

  4. debbieann

    just wanted to say thank you for posting and it is just so hard to get relationships to work – with or without kink – over time – so hard.

  5. Casey Morgan

    Wow, can I ever identify with what you’re saying. I lost my husband (to sudden death) just a month before you and Dave broke up. I’m also trying to figure out how I might meet someone kink-oriented yes, but most importantly, compatible as a life-partner. I actually haven’t played with anyone yet, for much the same reasons you outline here. I feel the exact same way about the get-to-know-you conversations! My current philosophy (and time will tell if it pans out or not) is that I can and must make an effort to socialize, but essentially I am waiting for the movement of a hand that is not my own.
    Hang in there, sister!

  6. Indy

    This is such an interesting post. I think whether or not we do the meeting & spanking thing backwards depends a bit on where we are with our involvement in the scene. I didn’t get involved until I was over 40, so my first priority was to discover if I actually liked spanking in real life. And then it was to meet all kinds of people in the scene, but especially those whose blogs I admired or whose sense of humor I had noticed in various chats. Most of those people were fellow female bottoms, so I was looking for friendship rather than to play. But the casual nature of my journey made me willing to play with most people who asked politely, seemed decent, and were deemed safe by others.
    Of course, over time, I figured out a lot more about what I was looking for and found friends to play with locally. So now, it probably is time to look a bit more actively for a partner, but I simply can’t summon the energy for that kind of slog. So I am completely sympathetic about your frustration. Even in casual play at parties, I prefer to meet people first, and play later, and that can mean waiting until the next party. But I also remember what it was like to have only parties as play outlets, so I’m also not without sympathy for those who are just as focused on the spanking as on the friendship.

  7. Eliane

    Great post, and you’re right, we totally do it backwards. One thing you said resonated even more than the rest: “it’s an emotional thing, for me, this spanking stuff — and I’m at my most vulnerable when I allow someone in”
    It’s very much the same for me – I have some friends I play with that it is just play and I’m happy with that, but ultimately, I want to meet someone who is more than that, and there does seem to be this desire to rush in to the spanking straight off without doing some of the more normal vanilla things first. Sigh. If you find the magic solution, do let us know!


    The sad truth is EVERYONE does it backwards. Welcome to dating later in life. Unless you pull the odd ball nerd straight off the pew in church, the odds of what you are looking for are slim. If you sleep with them on the first date you may see them again, but it will never be a relationship. If you don’t sleep with them somewhere between the 3-5 dates, forget it they are gone. Dates are a little ambiguous, so that doesn’t equate to a lot of time. Your guy was just one of the group. It’s not a kink thing, it’s a ‘I want it now’ thing.
    Dating after 20’s is very difficult because it’s not about matching, it’s about matching where both of you are in life. And getting both people on the same page at the same time is difficult.
    I suspect you did as many of us did and assumed Dave didn’t understand the benefits of family. When someone has a belief so contrary to our own we literally can not process that belief as reality. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s all about growing up.
    Having said all of that, there are some winners out there. It takes a lot of searching and you have to flip a lot of rocks. Relax, be good to yourself, and consider the benefits of a buddy. It saves a lot of heartache, and makes sure your libido keeps you out of those one night stands.
    All hard to accept. Lots of new realities. But when it’s right, it’s not going to seem like ‘work’. You’re overwhelmed. Talk a walk, breathe, you’ll be just fine.

  9. Angie

    Thanks. In this case D stopped wanting kids or me (or both). I never believed one way or the other – just trusted him when he said he *did.* Whichever, he’s not the one and it’s over. At good moments, I know that I’m now free to find the right person.
    By the way, I’d be really interested in dating someone that I go to church with. I’m one of those oddball nerds, too, except we don’t have pews. 😉

  10. carolinegrey

    This is a really moving and interesting post. Thank you for sharing it with us. You raise some very important questions about the way relationships form in our corner of the world. I agree that long-distance can really really help. In fact it’s shocking how many successful relationships between spankos started with an ocean between the participants. But it’s not easy in any case.
    I’m sorry that you’re still hurting, but glad that you’re back to posting.

  11. Emma

    Oh, this sounds familiar. I’m in the process of ending a six year relationship, and the prospect of jumping back into the dating pool is frankly terrifying to me. I’m beginning to wonder if men in the kink community have any concept of the difference between “friend” and “play partner/top/master/etc.”
    It’s a bit ridiculous really. What ever happened to meeting people as friends and then seeing if something develops?
    I wish you lots of luck (and if you discover the great secret to success, please share)! 🙂

  12. Marie

    Wow, I found this at a most perfect time. My partner and I are in the process of splitting up after being together for 2 and a half years. It’s really sort of surreal for me because for a while there I thought we’d get married. But it became painfully obvious that he had not only started to push me away physically, but also with spanking, and then emotionally. Either he doesn’t wan to get married, or he doesn’t want me, or both…but it’s ending. And it hurts, because not only was he my first adult (over 18 ha!) relationship but he was my first relationship with spanking in it.
    I am ready to be single, but despite wanting a life partner, I don’t feel like finding someone. I’m young so I will play it by ear. Your comments on why do we do it backwards really REALLY stood out to me though, and it’s a really great way of looking at it.
    I am glad I found this post 🙂 And I’m sorry writing that line made you cry, I know it’s hard and I know it’s going to get harder for me, but I also know people who have done it, and well…so can you, and so can I.

  13. Shelly

    I cannot imagine having a spanking relationship with a man I wasn’t already involved in an emotional relationship with (but that’s just me). I live in a small town and don’t want a bunch of guys running around knowing what I look like with my drawers around my knees and knowing how much I holler after bratting my way into a spanking that I honestly thought I wanted, LOL. That stuff’s PERSONAL, ya know?
    All joking aside, Angie, I understand how you feel. Only one man is allowed to spank me, and we’ve been married for going on 11 years! I don’t even like the idea of having to start over (in any aspect of relationships) if something ever happened to him. He knows me sooooooo well.
    I hope that you find someone wonderful, with whom you gel on ALL levels, not just the spanking aspect of things. Best Wishes.


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