Well, the prodigal blogger has returned — for now anyway. After getting an email about updates to the site, I felt *really* guilty about not even checking in in – what? – two years? Holy crap.
So much has changed. After four years together, Dave and I called it quits for good on June 15, 2008. It's been 16 months, and writing that sentence made me cry. So, I'm not really dealing well with it, obviously. The short-story is that he doesn't ever want to be a husband or a father, and there's nothing in the world I want more than to be a mom, so it was an impass neither of us could see over. The long story is probably much more convoluted, and something I completely blame myself for. I became a different person than the one he fell in love with, and I wasn't snapping back.
How does all of this affect my life "in the scene?" Well, though Dave and I are still very good friends, and have played several times since our break-up, I'm not doing a very good job of moving foreward and trying to find someone else. Honestly, the idea of trying is exhausting to me. Going into chat rooms, or putting up personals, and having to start those SAME conversations … you know the ones: "How long have you been into spanking? Were you spanked as a child? Who spanked you last? What implements do you like?" BLAH BLAH BLAH. I feel like I tell all of that information over and over again, and none of it is really that important at the beginning – so I don't understand why we ask all of it.
What do I mean by that? I recently began talking to a guy – this was days after deciding I was going to just "Go Vanilla," ironically - who is "similarly wired." And after talking for awhile, and discussing spanking stuff, I finally just said, "I want to meet someone – find out if we like each other, maybe go on dates, and see if we CLICK – and THEN do the spanking thing. Ya know, how Vanillas are with sex? They don't meet for sex and then decide if they want a relationship — so why do WE do it backwards?" At the time he said that he understood and respected that … but he hasn't emailed me in awhile so I'm thinking he changed his tune. :/ But why DO we do it backwards? If I know someone is basically like me kink-wise (which, to me, is sort of like finding a guy and knowing that he's a heterosexual), then why not meet for dates and real-world types of things before it ever becomes about spanking? Sex and spanking are not always connected, sure, but I'm not looking for a spanking partner – I'm looking for a life-partner who is also a spanko. Just because we are a perfect match in the spanking department doesn't mean we will have ANY chemistry otherwise … right now it just makes more sense to me to figure out if we FIT, before going over his lap.
And I guess the reason for all of that – my whole epiphany – is that I'm TIRED of giving that part of me to someone, and not having things pan-out the way I thought they would. It's an emotional thing, for me, this spanking stuff — and I'm at my most vulnerable when I allow someone in. So, doing that in the absence of knowing if this is someone I want to have in my life in other ways, just seems … dumb. Reckless. Completely void of self-protection. Maybe it's shell-shock, but I can't do it backwards anymore.