Maintenance Fail…

I can't remember the last time I was actually punished for something. Honestly.

It's not that I'm perfect, but that I'm not spanked for being imperfect. We're all imperfect. So fouling up Chris's lunch or forgetting to get the car washed or not doing the laundry do not garner punishments. Chris gets serious if it affects the family's health, the family's safety or putting shredded paper in the canister without bagging it first. Otherwise, he's just as likely to indulge me as not.

I'm perfectly happy with that.

The thing is, discipline – punishment – has been part of my quirky head for as long as I've had it. A variety of fantasies have provided me with dream fodder for decades now, and I'm not ashamed to say that in the days that preceded a real, live disciplinary agreement, the whole notion of being punished was a lot more rosy than reality. In my dreams, I'd misbehave a lot more and get spanked a lot. In reality, I misbehave very little and get spanked a lot.

So for a few months now, I've been pondering … and I think I have to conclude that mock punishments and maintenance ('just because') spankings are no longer enough of a substitute for discipline. And, I have to say, I'm not entirely happy about that. It doesn't seem quite right that I should be jonesing for punishment, simply to satisfy some sulky petulant corner of my brain. It doesn't seem fair to me or to Chris, and as really pushing his buttons means needlessly endangering someone or something, it really isn't fair to our home and family.

Add in 4-6 days of enforced neglect from regular reinforcing intimacy and I have been ripe for challenging Chris in the last two evenings.

So last night I took our daughter's 50-cent disk shooter off the bureau, where I'd left it after confiscating it from her, and shot it just past his head. It hit the wall behind him, but he did stop talking mid-sentence, grabbed me, and dragged me over his knee for 5 minutes of hard spanking. I remember dimly hearing the words "You're asking for it, aren't you?" I don't really remember answering.

Tonight, after he studiously and deliberately ignored my three hints that he might want to do the dishes, I took an ice cube from the freezer and put it in the back of his shirt. I'm sure I had a good reason – maybe to get him to pay attention, as he kept ignoring me. Or maybe to get him to pay attention to me? In any event, when he very clearly told me to remove it from the back of his shirt and said he'd had enough, I did remove it.

And then pushed it down his pants so it slipped between his ass cheeks.

Of course I got spanked for it, later. When the princess was asleep and the house quiet, there was a paddle and a strap. Perhaps the playfulness of it all has gotten to me too, because I didn't have to fight off any guilt. Pain, yes. Guilt, no. Not even much repentance, honestly.

I've never really been a brat. I doubt I've bratted like this since well before the princess was born. Even Chris asked me what had gotten into me. I'm worried that I'm trying yet a new way to get what I want from him on a nearly constant basis – his dedicated, focused, energized attention.

I suppose this is one of the problems of taking a fetish and turning it into a working, living relationship. There's no question that discipline helped me master the concept of locking the doors to our house, or taking care in the sun. I'm more careful about what I do with a cell phone in the car, too. There's also little question that I pursued a disciplinary arrangement with Chris because I thought it would help me prioritize his needs and desires more, and I think that it still mostly has that effect. But I can't and won't deny that I also found the whole concept of a disciplinary relationship sizzling hot. It pushes nearly every power-exchange fantasy in my head and feeds my sexuality with instantaneous arousal.

I'm afraid that spanking me 'just because' isn't a preventing sort of
spanking anymore. But if it doesn't work, what will stop me from
pushing again and again and again?

7 thoughts on “Maintenance Fail…

  1. Casey Morgan

    Well, I think I am like you in that I am much harder on myself than is healthy, and thus punishing me for failing to live up to my overly high standards is counterproductive, and thus M never did it. Like Chris, he tended to indulge casey when she couldn’t finish her homework or whatever. Instead, he had Casey’s Four Things, which he did enforce with quite a bit of vigor. They were: 1) be honest about feelings and needs; 2) be kind to yourself; 3) do what you want and not what you Should; 4) ask other people how they feel and don’t decide things for them. Of course, #1 did not carry the promise that those needs would always be met, or in a timely fashion; and #3 sometimes created conflict with overt rules, which might bring a lesser punishment. But in general, being good and responsible did not preclude breaking one of the Four Things, thus providing a reason for genuine punishment while also running a useful therapeutic angle.
    I do like the image of the flying disk, tho… 🙂

  2. Sara

    Ach, I have sooo many things to say and no time to say them. Halloween costumes and all that. Me too, I know, I feel just the same…r/l…too busy, not into true bratting but need the p dynamic…and sometimes feel left hanging, neglected, sigh. And truly, it’s not his fault either. I’ll be back when I have more time. And I haven’t been punished in so long I can’t remeber when….

  3. dykegrrl

    For me, the point of the rules (many of them, anyways) is simply because I need to have rules that I am allowed to break, and where I can feel safe in knowing that while I might not *like* the consequences, they are manageable consequences that won’t cause lasting harm or frustration (ie, I can get a parking ticket, which would normally be a manageable consequence, but we’re on a tight enough budget that spending an unnecessary $50 is frustrating).
    I need the punishment not just as a way of getting W’s attention, but also as a way to know that someone is making sure I can let go of enforcing rules for myself. It’s easier to relax about my internal rules if there are external rules to break.
    As for what would happen if you kept pushing the limits to get punished? At least for me, it goes through cycles. When I feel like W isn’t there to catch me if I mess up, I’m very inclined towards testing, which means that she reinforces that she’s there to catch me (by “catch me” I generally mean “beat my backside until I can’t sit comfortably.”) And after a few weeks of that, I’m absolutely confident that she’ll be there for me and that I can relax and follow the rules without being hypervigilant about it.
    At least until the next time.
    And I totally need one of those disc shooters. >:)

  4. sparkle

    @Casey — I can see where there might definitely be conflict between # 3 and # 4…
    All: We have “bedroom rules” that are really sexually oriented and sometimes I used to break them just to see his dominant side click on and react. But I got to feeling guilty about demanding something he wasn’t actively pursuing himself. It’s not as if, you know, they were there for my benefit of having rules, and not his comfort / pleasure. So (@dykegrrl) I stopped breaking those rules. He doesn’t need me to break them, he doesn’t want me to break them, and he can enjoy the consequence I’d normally receive just by pulling out the paddle.
    I do think you made a very valid point, @dykegrrl, about it being reassuring after a time of distance.
    @Sara, we’re just getting ready for trick-or-treating in a few minutes. 🙂

  5. Mija

    I find this post so interesting, not because I relate, but because I so *don’t*. Knowing you personally, sparkle, I always wonder at how responsible you and the degree to which you take even small mistakes you take so much to heart. You just always are so good and thoughtful. That’s not the case for me, as I drift through days in a sort of absent-minded fog so much of the time, not being hard enough on myself.
    It’s hard for me to even imagine Paul punishing me for all the things I do that I’m not supposed to.
    That said, I did find myself doing an almost comic book level brat thing last night, just before bed, impulsively biting Paul’s arm when he went to swat me. The results hardly bear mentioning.

  6. Iris

    Isn’t it interesting to experience/observe the phases we go through in our kinks? You talked about what your fantasy of a disciplinary relationship was like, what early parts of your actual relationship with Chris were like, and now you seem to be entering a new sort of hybrid, where you’d like parts of both. And they’re all sort of always there, jumbled up in your mind. 🙂
    I totally identify with the thing about fantasizing about discipline more than reality has brought to bear. Which doesn’t mean I don’t find it necessary, desirable, or freaking hot–just that it doesn’t happen as much or in the same way as I once thought it would.
    But what I really want to know is: how are you going to earn yourself a REAL discipline spanking? And do you need help with that? ;-P


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