My Master is going to beat me. I don't know exactly when, and I am
not even 100% clear as to why. Yet, it has become clear to both of us
that this is what is going to happen. We both need to clear the air.
I'm terrified. I haven't been seriously beaten in a very. long. time.
It makes sense, our dynamic has more or less taken a backseat to the
events of the last couple of years. First, Master and CC were changing
and having issues and most of the focus was there. Then, they were
splitting and the focus was there. It's really been at least two years
since we've been focused on each other and our dynamic in any real way.
For a highly dramatic and whiny account of the unraveling of our poly family you can read backwards on my personal blog. For the purposes of this post, it's enough to know that CC has decided to go her own way, and the last year has been spent largely on this change in family status.
are a lot of things that are different now. I am not sure we will ever
be back to that "pure" Master and slave dynamic we had in years past,
but it's certainly a goal of ours. Running a household and supporting
each other through a painful breakup has changed things in ways neither
of us would have guessed. It put a huge amount of stress on each of us
individually and on our relationship. There have been moments when I
was not at all sure we were going to make it together.
there anymore, though. We are finally in a more stable and pleasant
place. The future looks positive rather than bleak. We are moving
forward and building our new lives together. Even the financial issues
that seemed bleak and overwhelming are beginning to resolve themselves,
albeit slowly. But, we still aren't totally satisfied with the way
dynamic has become far more confusing. It used to be very clear. In our
poly dynamic CC and I were slaves to Master, and wives to each other.
She served more of a spouse role for him as well, mostly by virtue of
being the mother and running the household. I occasionally felt some
envy that I could not be his "wife" but as I integrated fully into the
household most of that dissipated as CC and I developed our own
separate dynamic as wives to each other.
Now, I have many needs
around having a wife and being a wife. I need a life partner in the
more conventional sense. My wife is gone, and therefore so is my
identity as a wife. Master also feels that void, but he doesn't really
want me to fill it. Yeah, I have to do a lot of the things that she
did as his spouse. I have to run the house. I now am the only female
parental figure in our home. I am the one who goes to public events and
is recognized as his partner. But it's never what he's wanted for us in
He wants and needs a slave, and I've always filled that
role well. I want both, and haven't figured out how to strike the
balance with only one partner. But as we continue to explore this it
has become clear to both of us that we will never reclaim our M/s
identities without taking specific action. We've talked about it, and
we both want this. I want to feel the comfort and security that comes
with serving *and* letting go of control. I want to put Master back in
the drivers seat and live my life under his direction rather than
grabbing onto small areas of control with a stranglehold so I won't
feel so afraid of life without CC.
I say I want these things,
but I am filled with fear. And, Master is frustrated. He says he often
feels I no longer put him first, or that I ignore the small things he
asks of me. I don't ignore him, but my focus has definitely shifted. I
feel like now my focus tends to be on the big picture of our household
and the kids and … everything. I think he may be right that he is
falling through the cracks now when what he wants is not in line with
how I see the big picture.
So, my Master is going to beat me. I
don't know exactly when, and I am not even 100% clear as to why. I am
terrified, but also filled with hope. I think we are finally onto
something with each other, and I can't wait to see where we end up.