In Sickness & In Health

Goodness, it's been a while for me, hasn't it?

The reason it's been so long is that I've been delightfully good and obscenely responsible.  No really, it's true.

Or it could be I've been remiss about a lot of things including blogging.  Lately though, spanking's been on my mind and I've been writing on my personal blog.   Paul and I have been having adventures, including a trip to Vegas for Shadow Lane.  This meant, among other things, that I got to spend time with fellow PB writers, Bridget and Iris (& M too).

Needless to say, this made me think about a lot of spanking and PB related things.


While we were there, Paul and I used the kink focused time to talk about what I need and want (oh and what he'd like too).  I'm at a critical stage in my life as a PhD. student.  You'll hear more about it as the weeks go on, but this is the basic situation.  Six to twelve months of productive work on my part, and it's very likely I'll finish my degree well and will be able to land a research and teaching job.  Without the hard work, it's likely in 12 months I'll be looking at leaving graduate school without completing my degree.

It probably won't come as a shock when I say I'm terrified of failing.  So much so, I've been almost frozen in place.  Paul is helping me with this.

But his help is reminding me that one of times it's hardest for him to discipline or punish me is when I'm clearly not feeling well (either physically or mentally).  His impulse at those times isn't to be heavy with me or try and encourage me to push through my illness and do as much as possibly can.  Paul's kink is all (or at least to a large degree) about looking after people.  Well, me anyway.  When I'm sick he wants me in bed, asleep or thinking up comforting things he can buy me to eat or drink until I'm better.

Further, I'm not one of those people who, when ill, have to be dragged kicking and screaming into bed.  I like being in bed, like sleeping, like being babied and fussed over.

I don't have any deep thoughts or conclusions on this subject except to say the same impulse that causes Paul to want to look after and discipline me is the same impulse that makes it hard for him to punish me when I'm not feeling well.  I'm wondering if this is a problem for anyone else and how you and your partner dealt with it. 

5 thoughts on “In Sickness & In Health

  1. Jigsaw Analogy/Dyke Grrl

    that’s definitely an element in my relationship. it’s less of an issue when i’m actually physically ill. but when i’m depressed, her first impulse is to be really sweet and gentle with me. and with most people, this would be a good thing. heck, it’s sometimes a good thing for me, too. but the problem is that a lot of the time, the depression shows up when i’ve been pushing for limits and not getting them. so being sweet and gentle and nurturing just exacerbates that problem, which leads to me stepping up the limit-pushing, and is a bad cycle in general.
    i’m lucky that there aren’t punishments for me pushing too hard when i’m not feeling well, although i suppose that the natural consequence is worse than anything w could dish out. i don’t enjoy being in bed and resting, so it’s a struggle for me. i’ve learned over the past 10 years that it’s best to just take that time in bed, but it’s more an intellectual knowledge.
    good luck with the phd, by the way. i get that part, where the fear of failing can make it hard to push forward with the work. but it’s also exciting that you’re so close to finished!

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  2. Mija

    JA wrote: it’s less of an issue when i’m actually physically ill. but when i’m depressed, her first impulse is to be really sweet and gentle with me. and with most people, this would be a good thing. heck, it’s sometimes a good thing for me, too. but the problem is that a lot of the time, the depression shows up when i’ve been pushing for limits and not getting them. so being sweet and gentle and nurturing just exacerbates that problem, which leads to me stepping up the limit-pushing, and is a bad cycle in general.”
    Since depression is triggered partly by anxiety, that’s true for me too. Not enough discipline, not enough work equals me feeling overwhelmed, anxious and ultimately depressed. It also can make my eczema worse so the mind body link is definitely there too.
    Yet, when I’m depressed, it’s a delicate balance because I’m honestly not capable of doing the same sort of work and activities that I can do when I’m well. I suspect P would feel bad if he were using physical punishments to try and push me to do things I wasn’t actually up to doing.
    Thanks for the congratulations, but they feel very pre-mature. On one level I know I’m getting closer, but from my perspective it looks like a mountain.

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  3. Sara

    Mija, I know the same issue also comes up in our relationship. When I am over stressed, too tired, down, or sick, Grant’s impulse is to let things slide, to “give me a break”, to give me a hug rather than a disciplinary spanking. The difficult things is that I love his sensitivity and care taking…and sometimes that is exactly what I do need, and sometimes I need him to hold my world steady…i.e. NOT give me a break but rather keep us on our course so I can rally to where I do need to be, and where I feel most comfortable and at peace. So…he either needs to read my mind or we need to talk. After several years of talking he most often can intuit what I need and provide that. When I get rattled and start feeling out of control because he is being ‘too nice’ I try to push myself to tell him, because after all, it is all about the communication. Every person and every couple is a bit different, and that is what it has taken to tailor ours to us.

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  4. Jigsaw Analogy/Dyke Grrl

    Mija wrote: Yet, when I’m depressed, it’s a delicate balance because I’m honestly not capable of doing the same sort of work and activities that I can do when I’m well.
    one thing that’s worked for me and w is that i am moderately incapable of lying. i can’t seem to bring myself to out and out *lie*, which means that she’s able to trust me if i say that i wasn’t able to do something for legitimate reasons (ie, not actually being *able* to do a task). the trick is getting her to hold me to tasks when i’m just not following through as i should.
    due to myriad issues, there are times when i’m just not able to follow my rules, and neither i nor w think i should be punished for actually being unable to follow them. but when i’m not following the rules as a way to ask for limits… it’s easier on both of us, in the long run, for those limits to be there.

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  5. Mija

    Sara: The holding things steady image is a good one and one that probably holds true for Paul and me as well. Sometimes it can be hard for him to be heavy or push me if he’s given me a break for a while because it feels then like he’s been inconsistent, something that’s more a problem for him than it’s ever been for me. Generally it’s been me who’s brought us back to disciplinary / punishment routines. Which is fine since this represents much more of what I need than what he does. Hoping he’ll read my mind works sometime (especially if I think really loud) but generally it’s better if I say something.
    JA: Ah… the lying thing. I’m not bad at it, am quite good actually. I used to be very good, but over the course of 12+ years, Paul has managed to instill into me a certain amount of fear of lying to him. This makes me a more nervous and therefore less convincing liar. It’s still my first impulse, not just in order to escape punishment, but also because I have a real horror of disappointing him. One would think that would make me more likely to do what I’m supposed to, but it seems instead to make me more likely to lie about not having done it.
    Basically I want to have been good, but not enough to actually BE good. :-/

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