Some of you might remember back to this spring when Bitch magazine had an article about domestic discipline that featured Mija and I. And that I, at least (I haven’t talked with Mija so I can’t speak for her), complained a bit that the article genderized the practice too much. That it considered a woman disciplining a man as merely "theoretical" when I knew that it was very much practiced (as is DD among lesbian couples).
About a month or so ago I was interviewed again about domestic discipline, and when I asked my interviewer if she was going to look at Femdom disciplinary arrangements, she said no because she couldn’t distinguish that from traditional BDSM.
However, I still maintain that heterosexual domestic discipline with the woman as the disciplinarian is not as rare or theoretical as one might think. Consider this post from the blog, "spanked hubby," where the guest blogger compares and contrasts a sensual spanking with a disciplinary one.
The difference between these two incidents is massive. The first was highly erotic and even now when I find myself masturbating I will often focus on that night, however the second I look back to with shame and embarrassment and no arousal at all.
And the comments that follow will talk about the "intimacy while she [spanks me] and while she hugs me after" or "there is a whole other mindset going on when he is being punished for bad behavior – it is very easy to turn him back to a little boy in a matter of minutes, and believe me there is nothing erotic about it!"
It’s easy when you read blogs about other women getting spanked to think that it is the norm. Even I made the mistake before I started switching with A. of saying that "overwhelmingly it’s men spanking women." Since I’ve started seeking out and frequenting blogs written by submissive men, I’ve found that there is indeed a large group of men who feel the same feelings I feel when it comes to punishment. Who use the same language and the same examples.
So why is it so hard to find those F/M blogs? I think there are a couple of reasons. Women tend to be more relational and share about their sex lives more. You’ll note that most of the M/F blogs have been written by women (male tops are blogging more, but still tend to share pictures rather than anecdotes). Male submissives don’t write about their relationships all that much more than male tops do.
Men who want to be spanked have a harder time finding tops among their female partners (not sure how it works among gay males as they are even harder to find online) than female submissives do among their male partners. It’s far easier to slip back into traditional gender roles than it is to turn them upside down, and a lot of men still feel uncomfortable being "weak" rather than dominant.
I also can’t help but wonder if a lot of it reflects the infantalization of husbands in our society, forcing women to be the sole "grown-up". You see it a lot in the media (The Simpsons, King of Queens, World According to Jim, etc.). Indeed one commercial awhile back had the mother carrying her sleeping children and husband into the house from the car. And though the intersection between media representations and society is messy (is it a reflection of culture or an influence?) the fact that those representations exist suggests that this is something of a trend in our culture. And I think a lot of women like the idea of giving up being the "grown-up" all the time.
But there are men who like to be little boys too. Whose sexuality is just as tied to childhood as it is for me. They may be going to dominatrices rather than their wives, and they aren’t blogging about it nearly as much as women are. Yet they are certainly not theoretical. What they do is just as much domestic discipline as what A. and I do. Sometimes even more so.