Men want to be little boys too

Some of you might remember back to this spring when Bitch magazine had an article about domestic discipline that featured Mija and I. And that I, at least (I haven’t talked with Mija so I can’t speak for her), complained a bit that the article genderized the practice too much. That it considered a woman disciplining a man as merely "theoretical" when I knew that it was very much practiced (as is DD among lesbian couples).

About a month or so ago I was interviewed again about domestic discipline, and when I asked my interviewer if she was going to look at Femdom disciplinary arrangements, she said no because she couldn’t distinguish that from traditional BDSM.

However, I still maintain that heterosexual domestic discipline with the woman as the disciplinarian is not as rare or theoretical as one might think. Consider this post from the blog, "spanked hubby," where the guest blogger compares and contrasts a sensual spanking with a disciplinary one.

The difference between these two incidents is massive. The first was highly erotic and even now when I find myself masturbating I will often focus on that night, however the second I look back to with shame and embarrassment and no arousal at all.

And the comments that follow will talk about the "intimacy while she [spanks me] and while she hugs me after" or "there is a whole other mindset going on when he is being punished for bad behavior – it is very easy to turn him back to a little boy in a matter of minutes, and believe me there is nothing erotic about it!"

Sound familiar?

It’s easy when you read blogs about other women getting spanked to think that it is the norm. Even I made the mistake before I started switching with A. of saying that "overwhelmingly it’s men spanking women." Since I’ve started seeking out and frequenting blogs written by submissive men, I’ve found that there is indeed a large group of men who feel the same feelings I feel when it comes to punishment. Who use the same language and the same examples.

So why is it so hard to find those F/M blogs?  I think there are a couple of reasons. Women tend to be more relational and share about their sex lives more. You’ll note that most of the M/F blogs have been written by women (male tops are blogging more, but still tend to share pictures rather than anecdotes). Male submissives don’t write about their relationships all that much more than male tops do.

Men who want to be spanked have a harder time finding tops among their female partners (not sure how it works among gay males as they are even harder to find online) than female submissives do among their male partners. It’s far easier to slip back into traditional gender roles than it is to turn them upside down, and a lot of men still feel uncomfortable being "weak" rather than dominant.

I also can’t help but wonder if a lot of it reflects the infantalization of husbands in our society, forcing women to be the sole "grown-up". You see it a lot in the media (The Simpsons, King of Queens, World According to Jim, etc.). Indeed one commercial awhile back had the mother carrying her sleeping children and husband into the house from the car. And though the intersection between media representations and society is messy (is it a reflection of culture or an influence?) the fact that those representations exist suggests that this is something of a trend in our culture. And I think a lot of women like the idea of giving up being the "grown-up" all the time.

But there are men who like to be little boys too. Whose sexuality is just as tied to childhood as it is for me. They may be going to dominatrices rather than their wives, and they aren’t blogging about it nearly as much as women are. Yet they are certainly not theoretical. What they do is just as much domestic discipline as what A. and I do. Sometimes even more so.

14 thoughts on “Men want to be little boys too

  1. Dyke Grrl

    Geez, I sometimes think one of US should be writing those articles (not it!).
    Because it seems like the articles that are currently being written about DD do that faulty research thing where, by deciding ahead of time what does or does not happen, the authors ignore evidence that contradicts their prejudices, which means that the next author can point to the other articles and say, “See? It doesn’t exist, so I don’t need to look for it!”
    And it doesn’t help that many of the DD forums out there are either implicitly or explicitly unwelcoming to people who don’t fit into their boxes, because that means that the people writing articles can also point to the forums that insist on male top/female bottom as the only model.
    It’s much harder to make the arguments about DD being based on inherent characteristics of men or women when you can read about couples who mix that up, and have the same (or similar) things going on.

  2. Natty

    Actually I have thought about writing an article on DD. And I would if I thought I could actually sell it, which is the problem that Jessica Wakeman ran into with the piece she published in _Bitch_, hence her focus on it as a M/F phenomena. Maybe I’ll just write a nice post here. 🙂
    I think the field of DD study is young enough so that there is still room for critiques of sources, information gathering, etc. I think a real problem is that men are under far more pressure to keep their submissiveness hidden than female submissives are (despite feminist critques of us), which makes it very difficult for researchers and writers to find male submissives. This along with the problem you mention of current DD groups being hostile or ambivalent to those who do not fit into their “boxes” mean that it takes a lot more work to find people who engage in WIIWD who do not fit traditional stereotypes or participate as widely in current online discourse.
    I should also note that I gave this post a really lame title…I knew I should have waited until I wasn’t quite so tired. Especially after A. suggested a whole class dimension that I didn’t even think of.

  3. Iris

    OK, I’m coming late to the party here, but I wanted to throw in my two cents.
    I think you said something important when you talked about how women are more likely to blog and share about their experiences than others. I don’t think this means that women are necessarily more relational than men, but I think it reflects the difference in acceptance women and men find for expressing their feelings and emotions. Men aren’t as likely to get support if they show “vulnerability” or “weakness,” whereas the fourth wave of feminism says that women can truly be anything they want, including submissive.
    I’m sure there are other thoughts here, and I’m intrigued by the thought of a post talking about the class dimension, but I think I’m done for the moment.

  4. Natty

    Nah, you’re not late. I mean, there hasn’t been that much discussion yet about this post (and considering that most of the readers of this blog are more M/F inclined, I didn’t expect a lot). So throw as many cents in as you like. 😉
    Yes I think the way men and women express relationship has affected how prominent submissive men are in the spanking community. And yes, a great deal of that has to do with the fact that, the critiques of some feminists aside, it is still far more acceptable for women to express submissiveness than men. Indeed as I was reading through a couple of FetLife groups recently, a number of dominant women and submissive men talked about how unwelcome they feel in their local BDSM communities. M/F relationships are still the norm despite the advances that feminism has brought us. While feminism has freed (or is seeking to free) women from the patriarchy to make choices about their sexuality, it hasn’t necessarily freed men from patriarchy.
    In terms of class, A. wondered if it is more common for working class men who are in subservient positions at work, to be more likely to be willing — or even expect — to be in a dominant position at home while men in managerial or executive positions are more likely to desire a more submissive position at home. The compensatory theory of kink is certainly a popular one, but we still don’t have a lot of research to tell us if this is more than just a stereotype. Hopefully in the next decade or so this will begin to be remedied.

  5. Stephen

    Female spanking males in a domestic role is definitely not an uncommon thing. I was extremely lucky enough to have had such a relationship for years. And in my case, it was further enhanced through a process of regression to a more juvenile status. My manner of dress and the way I behaved towards my “mommy”; the way she addressed me and the way I was expected to reply, created a world where I was again in that pre-teenage lifestyle. Never having had a spanking from either of my parents, my relationship with ‘mom’ filled a need inside me that I didn’t even know was there. But once it was discovered, we explored every nook and cranny and even created a few new ones.
    It last for 17 years and I would not have changed a thing except make it last for 40 more.
    Stephen C.

  6. Natty

    Heya Stephen, thanks for stopping by and contributing to the conversation. I was hoping we might get a few guys to share their experiences.
    How do submissive men into domestic discipline meet other men and female tops when there are so few groups? Do you all just meet up at the Disciplinary Wives Club?

  7. tom

    I met mine in college when we were rooming together. I kind of knew I wanted/needed that kind of influence in my life for some time by that point, but we ended up dating almost two years before I worked up the courage to ask him for it. We had expirimented and enjoyed the BDSM for some time by then, but I can’t even begin to describe how much more peaceful I feel now that I know he’ll care for me this way.
    So for us it was a chance meeting, but I agree with what you wrote. Males submitting to women or men, whether or not common, isn’t talked about very much. Locally I’m pretty sure we don’t know of any other M/m or F/m couples.

  8. steel76120

    My wife seems to enjoy the DD aspect of our relationship….when we venture in that direction. There never seems enough time though or, something always seems to come up. She never initiates anything though. I try to “prime the pump” as it were with doctored up horoscopes, hints and even asking. I would love some ideas as to how I could get her to initiate a session a little more intense then 10 or so every once in a while.

  9. Malcolm

    You know Natty my experience in the UK is that there are very many subbie men, as many as there are subbie women if not more. They don’t seem to blog about it much though.

  10. pegasus

    I have not had such experiences. Years ago, seeking to spank or
    be spanked (wanting more sub than dom), I teasingly began talking and
    acting in a “you need a spanking” manner. Over a short period, I was
    soon paddling her derrierre. and she LIKED it. She would wiggle and
    smile and say “you aren’t going to spank me again, are you?”.
    She patted me a few times, but didn’t want to “do”, wanted to “be”
    and receive.
    Since that time, have played dominant many times, and moved the bar
    further quite seamlessly.
    But inwardly. just want to be spanked.

  11. hero

    my experience is other than those that I read of. Have searched
    for years on and off for a F/M relationship usually by finding the
    most successful, loud woman that I can.
    However, the last three like above, have resulted in me aquiring 3
    lustful thankful to be spanked hot women.
    One boasted to a friend, that she found a man, not a wimp. And that
    he spanked her!! She said the friend is jealous.
    My conclusion, have decided to enjoy the sweet fannys on display
    for my pleasure and the soft mouths and other that awaits
    (often) afterwards.

  12. Roguebfl

    As a male submissive (ageplay) I do find it is hard to meet people. Many public play parties “rules” read between the lines that unattached males sub don’t bother to apply. One a bdsm wiki I had to argue the “schoolgirl uniform fetish” was worse name the “school uniform fetish” because “schoolboys don’t exist or so marginal that it can be treated as a footnote”. (I eventually made headway by using Angus Young)
    Now I do find female ageplayer bottom welcoming of the boy counter parts, but the tops the play with the females will ignore the boys they are play with their females that they are interested in. Now I know many of them have no interest in spanking a male. But they could at least treat us as “someone else’s kid” that is to say act like were are in the scene, give us a minor scold and say “excuse us while i deal with this young lady”.
    As to why I don’t blog about it much, well I’m not compatible about “rambling” but can easily “answer questions” style of sharing. And Daddy Big bear was not one to have me “now go write about it” either in his style.

  13. Fred Williamson

    I am a spanked husband. I regularly (every 2 weeks or so) have to bend over and present my bare bottom to my wife who uses her hairbrush or more frequently a thin whippy cane. We have these sessions for mutual relief of stress or moodiness, and we both find it very therapeutic, an emotional release for both of us. Sometimes my wife initiates the session and tells me to get ready for it, but sometimes when the air needs to be cleared I suggest to her that she needs to give me a good spanking to work it off. We always feel better afterwards, especially after a caning. I feel sorry for couples who have not discovered the mutual benefits of DD.

  14. janet

    I am a married female spankee who slowly introduced spanking into our sex life. I thought it was going to lead into something wonderful. I fantasized about being spanked all the time. But instead I was turned off by my husband wanting to be spanked. I do not think there is anything wrong with a guy being spanked. I have challenged my own thinking and biasness. However, as unfair as it may be, I am wanting and wishing for a strong man in my life. The thought of having my “man” as my little boy or weak is a complete turn off for me.


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