Who I Am

I've been wanting to write on this subject for some time now, but haven't really been able to find the words for it. I still don't think I am adequately expressing myself, but I'm going to make an attempt. I'm sorry for those of you who may be bored, but the subject I'm about to talk about is not really kinky. Instead I’m going to talk about something that is probably going to be
boring for a lot of you. That’s right, I’m going to talk about
religion. Feel free to surf somewhere else now if this is not your
thing. I’ll be back to something kinky soon.

I’ve been on a very long spiritual journey considering that my life has
been relatively short. I won’t bore you with all of those details, but
I’ll tell you where it has taken me. I am a Christian. Really. There
are plenty who think this is at odds with my chosen lifestyle. I’ll
tell you a secret though. I think before I was aware of my nature as a
submissive I was getting my needs for structure, dominance and
obedience met through the Church. I was incredibly legalistic with it
and followed all the rules and regulations very scrupulously.

But, like many people I fell away in many areas. I continued to hold
Christian beliefs, but many of the needs I was getting met in the
church began to be filled in other ways. I do consider my getting
involved in my relationship one of the reasons for this, but I think it
could just as easily have happened with a vanilla relationship. When
people feel contentment they are less likely to seek God out. It’s just
a fact. Despite this, ultimately I found that I missed a church
community. I also missed the sacraments.

So, I tried again. This time around I found my way to the oldest
Christian institution in the world. I thought it would be about like
everything I’d already experienced but with different trappings. That’s
not how it turned out, though. As it turns out, my entire perspective
about God and my role as His servant has changed. I think this is due
in large part to my experience as a slave.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is that belonging to God isn’t an
intellectual pursuit. It’s fine for me to hold principals and beliefs,
but they are meaningless if they don’t change me. Practice matters. So,
I’ve made some changes. I wake up in the morning and say my prayers
even if I don’t feel like it. I do this before bed too. I keep the
fasts. I take myself to services. I don’t do all these things because I
want to, or because they give me warm fuzzies. Sometimes I fail, too.
But, I know they are changing me. One incremental step at a time I’m
changing my perspective and my heart.

More importantly, I’m changing my life. I’m not looking for
loopholes anymore- instead I’m looking to be the best person I can be
in light of the choices I’ve made and the situation I’m in. I’m working
on loving in action before emotion. That’s an epiphany huh? Love isn’t
an emotion, but an action. I’m working on patience- with everyone in my
life. I’m working on self discipline. This means I’m also I’m working
on spending more time acting and less time talking.

I am a slave. As a slave I have a unique opportunity to provide
tangible service both to my Owner and to our family. I can provide
service from a perspective that most people in today’s world don’t have
access to. This is a powerful opportunity to show God’s work in my
life. I am working on embracing who I am and putting it in line with
who I should be.

5 thoughts on “Who I Am

  1. kannakat

    Oh, Bridget! Well said, indeed! Saw this on some Yahoo group recently. “loving is not something that you feel, it is something that you do”. Your family are lucky indeed with this quality of love coming to them from your submission. Consider yourself cheered on by me kannakat

  2. Bridget

    Thanks kannakat! I am certainly trying, although I think I still fail more often then I succeed right now. I can definitely use cheering and encouragement!

  3. Angie

    Beautifully said, beautifully written. It’s wonderful to have you here. There was a singer I loved growing up in my (Christian) household – his name is Don Francisco and he sang a song the chorus of which said, “Love is not a feeling it’s an act of your will.”
    Man, that’s hard to remember right now. My heart is breaking in two as the love of my life is pulling away from me because he “wants to be alone right now.” I guess the best way I can love him is to let him go; but every part of me is in pain because of it – you know? It’s hard to separate those feelings and those actions.
    Wishing you all the best as you continue on your journey and continue to get closer to God and see the impact that makes on you personally and on your family. 🙂

  4. Raven

    C and I had the pleasure of making a Marriage Encounter within our chosen faith tradition of Catholicism a few years back – one of the main tenents of the weekend is that love is a decision.
    Blessings to you all,

  5. David in Miami

    Hi Bridget,
    When I started to read your post about religion, I was tempted to think it might be boring, but I’m so glad I continued reading anyway.
    I believe I have a lot in common with you, based on your one post. I too was raised in church, and a very conservative pentecostal one at that. I left off from attending any services a few years ago and have grown closer in relationship to God as a direct result of leaving, which pretty much appears to be the polar opposite of your experience. Now, I am extremely grateful for the 46 plus years that I spent in an organized religious atmosphere, I learned so much and grew so much from what they had to offer me over the years. The problem comes when you grow to the point that you are able to feed yourself spiritually, AND you begin to take responsibility for your own spiritual growth and progress. When you reach that point, you will often, in my opinion, begin to differ in your views on basic issues. It is at that point that you have to choose whether to squelch your spiritual and practical practices so as not to offend or upset others, or practice what you believe and just tolerate the fallout from others. I make a lousy hypocrite, a very poor liar, and a terrible actor, so I chose to live out my beliefs and tolerate the fallout from the thought police because my nature is to be open about my life, even though it gets me less than favorable reactions. I am much more at peace and happier that way. I don’t broadcast my beliefs to everyone, such as vanilla family members, who wouldn’t understand anyway. That is because I choose my battles carefully these days. I just don’t have the energy to fight EVERY battle. So I try to be wise. If my family were to learn what I belive and how I live, I would not deny it, but would readily admit it to them, and I would invite them to respectfully dialogue with me so I could share with them what I have come to believe and the reasons why my beliefs have changed and how. I truly do want them to know, but I’m trying not to invite that discussion unnecessarily. It would be time consuming. If someone thinks that “hypocritical” of me, well, maybe it is, but I don’t wish to enter that battle at this time. I will say that on a few occasions I’ve hinted at some of the things I believe in, but alas, no nibbles…..yet…
    When you mentioned that many in the church get their need to submit met by participating in church activities and attempting to live by the teachings of their local assembly, you really rang my bell because I have given some serious thought to this subject lately. According to my understanding of the Bible, to the teachings of Paul the Apostle and of Jesus, Christians should live in such a way that very closely parallels a 24/7 r/t BDSM relationship. Especially when you read Paul’s writings where he says “I am a bondslave of Jesus Christ.” He claimed to be completely OWNED by Jesus. Paul also listed all the types of struggles that he had experienced through the years, and joyfully so, due to his love for Jesus Christ. It doesn’t get much plainer than that! He also talks about submitting to one another in love.
    So my interest in BDSM, as it relates to Christianity, should be obvious after the above explanation. But will that preach in plain language on Sunday morning in the pulpits across the land? Nope. I like to drop hints about what I believe when talking to other Christians, but they haven’t taken the bait yet….guess the fish just aren’t hungry these days. The few that are hungry enough, like yourself, Bridget, will go in search of it. I do believe that God loves us so much that when He sees someone with a sincere heart for truth in their life, He will move Heaven and Earth, if necessary, in order to see that that person who is searching gets the answer they need to bring meaning and depth to their life. You seem to have found some answers for your life by returning to the organized church, whereas I found answers that were pertinent to my life by leaving. Either way will work, because you can’t put God in a box–He just won’t fit. He is flexible, but he can hardly be contained by any effort of ours. As a Christian, I believe that the Bible is very relevant to the lives of all people everywhere, regardless, but not everyone believes this to be true. I have found much truth in the Bible when you read between the lines. Its not veiled that much, except by the limitation of one’s own faith. I also believe that if the organized churches REALLY KNEW what the Bible says about how we are to live our lives in relationship to God as well as to others, it would shake them up something fierce. I do not believe that they are ready for it, and they probably never will be….sad.
    You mentioned Don Francisco–he’s one of my favorites! I used to attend a church in Denver that shared a facility with a church where he was a praise and worship leader for a short while. Small world. I remember one of his songs that said, “I don’t care how steep your steeple is when its sittin’ on a cemetary.” Remember that one?
    One more comment I want to make before I finish this post: When it comes to being a Christian, I want to encourage everyone to be cognizant of the fact that any sacraments, rituals, dogmas, etc., should be leveraged/used/participared in so as to bring the person into a tighter, closer, and more deeply meaningful relationship to God, their Creator, than they would be without those things in place. Its not about what you do, but about who you are in relationship to God and one’s own journey toward Him that matters. True Christianity is not so much a “religion” as it is a relationship. If we have good relationships in our lives, our lives are more satisfying, especially when it comes to relating to God, our Creator. Without a living r/t 24/7 relationship with God, our lives are really empty when it comes right down to it.
    From my heart to yours,
    David in Miami


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