So, I was punished the other day. I didn’t really disagree with it
because I definitely made a mistake. He had planned to have some large
items hauled away,and a couple of months ago I signed up for it. Yet,
we missed the date for that even though all of us had mentioned it and
wondered about it in the days leading up to it. That’s pretty cut and
dried, right?

But, my Owner and I are sort of at an impasse about some of the
finer details. You see, although I did definitely mess up and did
deserve to be punished, I felt that this was an issue where
responsibility was shared between the three of us. I felt CC could and
should have just as easily solved this issue the several times she
brought it up, and similarly so could he.  So, I’m not saying I
shouldn’t have done it, because I should have.  I’m also not making any
judgments about whether or not CC should be punished (although I think
he thinks so). I just think we all failed.

This is exacerbated a little bit by the fact that I have at times
felt that I’ve been blamed for things that were not really my fault.
At times it seems he arbitrarily assigns responsibility to me for
things without any care or notice of the fact that CC and I already
have a system for things.  This has been an issue for both of us in
trying to understand what He expects from us as individuals. I’ve
expressed this before, and I know he doesn’t really like it.

Anyway, this time when I told him that I was sorry for my part in it
and could see why he wanted to punish me for it, I also mentioned that
I think we all fell short here. He didn’t like that. He said I was
playing a martyr and refusing to take real responsibility for my
actions. I never did figure out how to respond to this, because I
really don’t think I did that. I feel like I have taken responsibility
for  my mistake, and I did accept the consequences of that. But, I
can’t force myself to agree with him that it was “all” my fault and
noone else did anything wrong.  Is it reasonable to expect that if I
don’t agree with him then I’m not taking responsibility? I don’t know.

I don’t feel like I’ve passed the buck. I feel like I made a mistake
and paid for it. I don’t think making observations about the broader
situation makes me a martyr, or takes away my responsibility in it. But
he does. I don’t know how to make myself agree with him here, but I’d
like to because I really don’t like him approaching me this way. It
feels like I’m disappointing him no matter what way I look at it.

Part of me wants to keep explaining because I think in part he just
doesn’t “get” where I am coming from. Yet, explaining always seems to
come across as excuse making,and I already know how he feels about
that. So I guess where that leaves me is… sad.  I’m sad that he thinks
I am playing a martyr, and sad that I can’t get my head where he wants
it.  Bummer.

5 thoughts on “Responsibility

  1. Terri

    Sorry if I sound harsh, but this is something that bothers me…
    Isn’t it part of his responsibility to hear you and understand you? It’s not wrong for you to have an opinion and express it respectfully in tone and words. How is he supposed to know ‘you’ if you feel you can’t talk to him without being punished for being yourself. Yes there are times when being ourselves isn’t such a great thing and can lead to being in trouble, but saying how you feel, especially when you feel he’s being unfair or unreasonable shouldn’t be something that can get you into trouble.

  2. Bridget

    Terri, you don’t sound harsh, but I’m concerned that this is the impression I’ve given. I don’t think I’ve ever once been punished for sharing my opinion or disagreeing with my Owner. Also, I don’t think he was being unfair or unreasonable here- I deserved to be punished for this.
    The only issue is that he thinks I’m shirking responsibility by saying it was a joint failure and I think it’s perfectly possible to recognize my role and responsibility in this, and the fact that I should have taken care of it, while also feeling that others should have. He basically thinks I’m trying to pass the buck and lessen my own level of culpability.
    Does that make sense?

  3. JigsawAnalogy

    It does sound really frustrating, not to be able to convey what you’re trying to explain. Just offering some sympathy here.
    I think situations like the one you’re describing are why I wouldn’t do well in a more dominant/submissive relationship, because I just wouldn’t be able to be submissive; arguing is what I’m *good* at, and it drives me CRAZY not to be able to *keep* talking until I’ve convinced everyone (or just W) that I am right. ;P

  4. Gwen

    Funny you should bring this up, since it is a subject that has been on my mind for a while, for various reasons.
    IMO, there IS a difference between arguing and explaining. A lot of people don’t recognize that. In order for someone to really understand who you and where you are coming from, it is necessary for them to LISTEN to you.
    If your owner does not feel that your thoughts and opinions are worth listening to, then I have a problem with that (though it is your business, not mine). I have been curious for a while about the relationship that you and CC have with your “owner.” I admit that I’m still not comfortable with the terminology, but if it works for you, then that’s good enough for me.
    I’ve been wondering whether (in addition to the M/s or D/s relationship that you guys have) whether your owner loves you and/or CC and whether he ever expresses that love. I do hope the answer is yes. And if he does love you, then why does he make you sleep on the floor, when many studies have shown that it is NOT good for the back to sleep on the floor. What does he have to gain from your gradual physical impairment — and believe me, it will happen sooner or later.
    But I digress — sort of —
    I’ve been having this same sort of dynamic going on at work recently, and it really rankles. Mostly, I really do love my job, and it is certainly the most democratically run business that I have ever had the pleasure of working for, but there are some obvious differences between what certain people do, say, and expect. This Thursday morning, I am scheduled for my first “review” and I wonder to what extent I should attempt to express what is in my mind honestly.
    I am always the first person to stand up and take responsibility for my mistakes and even accept punishment if need be (of course, the latter does not generally apply in the workplace). Unfortunately, it also does not occur at home, as my husband is not only not my disciplinarian — he barely even spanks me for non-disciplinary, sexual reasons, which I need. But then, he is vanilla.
    Every time I think we’ve made some progress in terms of his understanding my needs and he expresses willingness to try to accommodate, the subject is quickly forgotten. I’m hoping some couples therapy may help us, but I’m not feeling terribly optimistic about it at present.
    Sorry to have rambled on at such length. I sent you an email earlier this week (May 29th or 30th?), a response to your post on SSS. I hope I’ll hear back from you. I’ve had limited internet access recently, so I haven’t read any of your recent blogs. I plan to rectify that soon (and also hope to have a blog of my own sometime in the near future).
    Best wishes,

  5. Bridget

    Hi Gwen,
    Your post is really long and I probably won’t be able to respond to all aspects of it. However, I did want to tell you one thing. When I say we sleep on the floor, I’m not talking about literally on the hard floor. We sleep on a fold out foam pad (sort of like a camping bed), and on top of that we put a memory foam mattress topper. I actually need to replace the pad on the bottom because I’m starting to feel the floor lately. However, nobody is out for either of us to have long term injuries.
    As far as whether or not he loves us, I think that’s such a tricky question. All of us are a little bit reluctant to apply labels to ourselves that may not quite fit, but my Owner is more than anyone. The word love means many different things. I can say I don’t think he loves me in the romantic sense that most people think of when they speak of being in love. On the other hand, we share a family and an intimacy that I’ve never experienced with anyone and I know he’d do anything for me. We’ve talked about the possibility of having children together, although I don’t know where that will end up. We fill a role in each other’s lives that would be missing otherwise, and I don’t think I could easily be replaced by some other person who could come in and do the laundry.
    Incidentally, I feel that way about CC too. She and I love each other (and don’t hesitate to use that word), and we’ve even acknowledged that even if for some reason our Owner was no longer in the picture, our lives (hers and mine) are going to be connected. Family isn’t family if you can do without any person and have it make no difference.


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