Monthly Archives: April 2008

Responsibility

So, I was punished the other day. I didn’t really disagree with it
because I definitely made a mistake. He had planned to have some large
items hauled away,and a couple of months ago I signed up for it. Yet,
we missed the date for that even though all of us had mentioned it and
wondered about it in the days leading up to it. That’s pretty cut and
dried, right?

But, my Owner and I are sort of at an impasse about some of the
finer details. You see, although I did definitely mess up and did
deserve to be punished, I felt that this was an issue where
responsibility was shared between the three of us. I felt CC could and
should have just as easily solved this issue the several times she
brought it up, and similarly so could he.  So, I’m not saying I
shouldn’t have done it, because I should have.  I’m also not making any
judgments about whether or not CC should be punished (although I think
he thinks so). I just think we all failed.

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I Like to Ask

Over the past several weeks, Chris has tried gamely to convince me to ask for a hairbrushing.

This, right now, I cannot do. I tried, really I did. I knew it would please him to take a piece of ebony or mahogany to my bottom until I was beyond whining. I knew it would please him in a convoluted way to end a punishment that has gone on much longer than either of us anticipated when he imposed it…

Maybe I should back up.

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Who I Am

I've been wanting to write on this subject for some time now, but haven't really been able to find the words for it. I still don't think I am adequately expressing myself, but I'm going to make an attempt. I'm sorry for those of you who may be bored, but the subject I'm about to talk about is not really kinky. Instead I’m going to talk about something that is probably going to be
boring for a lot of you. That’s right, I’m going to talk about
religion. Feel free to surf somewhere else now if this is not your
thing. I’ll be back to something kinky soon.

I’ve been on a very long spiritual journey considering that my life has
been relatively short. I won’t bore you with all of those details, but
I’ll tell you where it has taken me. I am a Christian. Really. There
are plenty who think this is at odds with my chosen lifestyle. I’ll
tell you a secret though. I think before I was aware of my nature as a
submissive I was getting my needs for structure, dominance and
obedience met through the Church. I was incredibly legalistic with it
and followed all the rules and regulations very scrupulously.

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Vulnerable inside and out

In one of the great posts linked at the first Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom and Autonomy, Greta Christina considers the appeal of punishment.

In a "pure abuse of power" scene, you have control over the victim’s
body. But in a punishment scene, you have power over their mind as
well. You have power over their very sense of self. You don’t just have
the power to make their body suffer — you have the power to make their
conscience suffer, too. You have the power to make them feel, not just
helpless and frightened and hurting, but ashamed…

Because it would make you feel that way inside as well as out. It
would make you feel helpless and submissive, small and bent to someone
else’s will… not just on your skin and in your muscles and genitals,
but in your heart.

And I suspect this is why it feels so dangerous, as well as so enticing.

I’ve often thought that the punishment kink (domestic discipline, WIIWD, etc.) is among the most vulnerable of practices within BDSM, and I love how Christina articulates why that is. It involves a sort of double jeopardy that is lacking in role play, and the potential for danger can make punishment intoxicating for the participants. The penitent’s whole being is vulnerable, his or her "very sense of self" as Christina puts it.

Indeed I think that buzz I’ve mentioned a few times in relation to punishment spanking is really a sort of high that follows surviving a particularly dangerous act — hence it only occurs with punishment and not with role play or erotic spanking. Two people plunging into the abyss of shame, guilt, and physical pain and finding their way out the other side still intact — or, rather, even better and closer for the trip through momentary darkness.