Out of Sorts

I’m in a pretty weird place today. Unfortunately I can’t go into all
the details, but I can say I’ve been involved in a pretty big screwup.
I’m one of those people who tends to be very hard on myself. I have a
lot of ingrained guilt, and even when I haven’t screwed up big time I
can usually find several examples of mistakes throughout a given day.
If left to my own devices I could easily find a reason why I deserve
punishment all the time.

My  Owner doesn’t view me the same way.  One of the earliest pieces
of advice he ever gave me was, “Being a better submissive means
learning to trust your Dominant to punish you when you need it and not
do it to yourself.”  I’ve always taken that to heart, but I’m not
terribly good at putting it into practice.  You can probably imagine
that if I’m guilt ridden in general, I’m ridiculous when I have
something specific to obsess about.

I spilled the beans about the situation to my Owner yesterday.  This
wasn’t really shocking news to him because we’ve been in communication
about what I’m doing continuously, but I was feeling shocked and
blindsided by the way the situation came to a head.  I still don’t know
what the outcome is going to be. But, I’m feeling horrible and guilty.
I was sure I would be in trouble, and yesterday I cried. But, I also
was left wondering because I am no longer allowed to ask if I am in
trouble, and he didn’t say.

We were supposed to have our regular talk today. I figured I would
find out then. But, we didn’t get to talk. I did ask him how long I
should worry/ wonder about things now that I’m not allowed  to ask if
I’m in trouble. He says he plans to tell me when I’m in trouble right
away most of the time. He gave no indication that I am in trouble over
this issue.

I just don’t know how to feel. Part of me is relieved, and part of
me feels so horrible that I’d rather receive some absolution. I’ve got
to find a way to put his advice into action and let him be the judge,
not me.

2 thoughts on “Out of Sorts

  1. Dyke Grrl

    I hope things got at least a little settled when you had your talk. I know how hard it can be when you feel like you really messed up, and the person you’re hoping will hold you accountable tells you to be easier on yourself.
    I wonder if it would work to make being hard on yourself a punishable offense? ;P
    Seriously, though, that’s just one that takes time. For me, it’s about using cognitive therapy techniques to re-write the messages my brain puts out, letting myself know that these less-harsh standards are actually better ones to follow. It’s still hard, but I’ve been working on it. And it also, in my relationship, sometimes takes explaining to W why it is I think something should be a punishable offense. It helps with us, though, that it’s more of a discipline relationship, and not so much master/sub, because it means that there are specific rules, and we both know that I’ve just got to deal with the feelings and guilt about things that aren’t specific misdeeds. So I *know* if I’ve broken a rule, and if I haven’t, I know I’m not going to be punished for it. I might feel immensely guilty, and I will probably need to take responsibility and fix the situation, but W isn’t responsible for whether or not I get “absolution” for it. So I guess it’s a slightly different situation.

  2. Kitten

    I’ve had the same dilemna in the past, being hard on myself for a mistake even after my Master has punished me….and I recently read something on a CM forum that changed my perspective…hope it helps.
    A girl spoke about beating up oneself over a mistake as being a sign of disrespect to ones dominant. She said in her mind that it felt like she didnt trust her Master to think of a proper punishment and in turn doubted him and realized that it made her feel less submissive. Her words were along the lines of “i shouldnt hold my punishments up to my measuring stick, that decision is solely Masters as to how much he thinks i should be punished”….i dunno if im explaining it right, but i hope it helps. i think i still have the link to it…turns out it wasnt collarme but a separate website…here it is…


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *