Coming Out: I’m Not A Submissive

Yes, I’m still alive. And yes, Dave and I are still together, and still spankos. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way …

Recently we’ve been going though this sort of Relationship Identity Crisis, of sorts. Some of it has stemmed, I’m sure, from some insecurity about our future, and some of it has stemmed from the fact that he actively seeks out and spanks other girls — which I’ve always been "ok" with, on the surface, but I’m somewhat bothered by in truth.

That said, I have a friend who is sort of my mentor in ‘the scene,’ and also one of my very best friends even though he lives very far away. We talk a lot and we’ve spoken about some of these issues and I told him, "Sometimes I feel like I’m not very submissive and it really makes me feel awful." That’s when he really blew my mind …

"Angela," he said, "I don’t think I’d really call you a ‘submissive.’ In fact, that might be the last word I use to describe you. I mean, you have days when you are, sure, and I know you want to be sometimes, but you’re not a submissive. Don’t you understand that abot yourself yet?"

I almost cried. "Um. Then what am I?"

"Well. You’re a girl who needs and desires spanking. You’re definitely a spanko through and through. And you sure are naughty." (We both laughed.) "But as long as you keep feeling like you’re a failed submissive, you’re not giving yourself a chance to be happy being what you are."

It was like I’d heard a message from God or something. (And if you knew how much I’d worshipped this man for several years … well, that’s another story.) Anyway, I talked to Dave about it right away. And we talked about what this means for me, and for us, and how I felt a lot more comfortable not really using that term.

And I feel somehow more … free, or something. I know there are times when I feel extremely submissive, and I’m allowed to have those times and be in that moment. But there are also times when I just don’t feel that way, and times when Dave doesn’t really feel like a Dom, and our relationship is just not made to always be in those roles — it’s way too emotionally exhausting. But when Dave started seeing me not as a Sub who had to be a Sub all the time, but, as DH put it, someone who needs and desires spanking and "sure is naughty" — he started being stricter with me, ironically, and stepping up to the plate more when I need it. Maybe because he knows there WILL be down-time. Because there WILL be time when I will just be his girlfriend, and not his pet that must be taken care of or something.

Maybe a lot of this isn’t making much sense — and maybe a lot of this new ‘transition’ is coming from me getting back on my feet a little emotionally from having the world fall out from under me last September. Either way, the switch that happened in my brain when I stopped feeling like a Submissive who just can’t be a Good Sub and started thinking of myself as girl who needs to be punished sometimes and sometimes is just a normal girlfriend with a normal boyfriend has been amazing.

Now, if I can get over D spanking other girls, we can be in complete harmony … scene-wise.

8 thoughts on “Coming Out: I’m Not A Submissive

  1. Megs

    I’m not a submissive either and it works out pretty well for me :). Have you talked to D about being uncomfortable about the whole spanking other people thing? I’m not saying give him an ultimatum or something, but if you’re unhappy with it, don’t just assume you have to suck it up… it’s worth talking about, if only so he realizes it’s an issue for you. It’s not fair to let things like that go… because he might not know why you’re resenting the hell out of him a few years down the line.

  2. Angie

    Megs –
    Yes, of course, Dave and I have talked a lot about my being uncomfortable with his spanking other women. And the truth is that this is something that I would like to be more comfortable with, because it’s something that I know he wants and needs.
    I would never resent him for something that I was fully aware of going into our relationship. And he would never do something behind my back so he’s pretty damn honest with me about what he’s doing, and I’m pretty honest about what I’m feeling, etc. That honesty is the hallmark of our relationship.

  3. Wintermute

    Power exchange is complicated. I like strong women, but I am also a spanking top who loves to have a woman take a spanking for me. I think that spanking and D/s may not necessarily be the same thing.
    I’ve been wondering recently what exactly a “Dom” is. I mainly read spanking blogs, but I’ve read a few that are D/s. The Doms and subs sometimes seem to be struggling to define their roles. This leads me to wonder if Doms know the answer to the question “what is a Dom”.
    I’m a very easy going guy. I have my share of fears and uncertainties. I’m not some ultra confident person and I don’t know if such people really exist. What I am is a spanking top. I don’t wonder what I am or how I should act, since spanking is such a big part of me. It’s just there.
    Perhaps on your side there is some of this too. Liking to be spanked is just the mirror of liking to give a spanking. Perhaps you’re just a spanko girl. No other definition is necessary.

  4. Lele

    Labels can be really tricky things, if you ask me. I’m still learning about how other people perceive this kink and I honestly don’t fully understand D/s.
    Having a label for what I am can be comforting, but it can also create us/them issues (and I’m not just talking in the spanko world either).
    I’m glad your enjoying being a “normal girlfriend.” I really appreciated your post, and wish I could give advice on the issue of D spanking other girls.
    Naughty Lele

  5. Natty

    I would echo Wintermute’s comment. I am a spanko. Sometimes I sub. Every now and then I top. But “sub” and “top” are *verbs*. They are things I *do* not what I am.
    Glad to see you around, me dear. ::hugs::

  6. Angie

    Natty –
    I think that hits it right on the head –“But “sub” and “top” are *verbs.* They are *verbs.*” That’s about the sum of it.
    Glad to BE around here, thanks. 😉

  7. Dyke Grrl

    Nice to see you posting. I tend to think there’s even a difference between “bottom” and “sub.” I am generally a bottom, in bedroom terms. But outside of the bedroom? Well, either it’s because I’m an older sister, or “Type A,” or just “always right,” but my natural inclination most of the rest of the time is to be more dominant than otherwise.
    That said, there’s still more to a relationship than realizing what roles you do or don’t fill in the bedroom. Mostly, it’s about communication and compromise. And communication. And, oh wait, did I mention communication?
    So good luck with that, and I’m glad to see you around here again.

  8. Gwen

    Wow! Thank god I saw this — and how timely!
    So many things I have been pondering lately. You see, I am not a “naturally” submissive person. My lover (my top — and that’s the way I want it to be) never presented himself as a “dom.” If he had, it probably would have scared me away for real.
    But as we continue get to know each other, I realize more and more that he is more of a “dom” than I ever thought. And you know what? I’m just fine with that. I love honesty. And I love accommodating another person’s needs, especially when it suits my own needs as well.
    This whole power-play thing has me totally stymied. I never imagined how turned on I could be by power dynamics. Like I said, I am not your typical passive doormat. Yet, I would do almost anything to please my lover — and whatever I do (do) I feel is barely enough to keep him stimulated by me. This is so extremely hard — and complicated! I never anticipated anything like this….
    I want so very much to please him, and (of course) I feel that I can never do enough…. And the opposite is true as well. His primary operative is a desire to “please me.” I have never met anyone, in my entire life, who is so devoted to the idea of pleasing me! How absolutely thrilling!
    If only I knew that it “turned him on” to please me, and that he was not just fulfilling *my own need* (which admittedly, is extensive). I guess, above all, I want to be *wanted* and maybe even needed…. If only I knew what turned him on at all…. But that is something that he always (carefully) withholds from me.
    So, am I am a sex slave? I guess so, in everything but name….


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