Be careful what you wish for

It seems like only yesterday that I was posting here about desperately needing to be spanked.  So given the title of this post, guess what I’m writing about today? 

Yep, I’ve been spanked.  Several times, actually, and not fun ones either.  Serious punishments.

But if you’ve been paying attention in the last few months, your next question might well be, "Who could have punished Iris, given the fact that she’s no longer in a disciplinary relationship?"  Or perhaps, "Who could have punished that sweet angel Iris?–she’s absolutely delightful!"  Or maybe not.  😀

Let me back up a bit to get at the reason discipline might be necessary at the moment.  In the last few months I’ve been doing a pretty poor job taking care of myself and have fallen into a particularly dangerous habit (and no, it’s not smoking or drugs or drunk driving, so don’t worry about those things).  It’s an insidious habit, one that started off innocuously enough and didn’t present itself as a problem until much farther down the road. 

Long before it became a full-fledged problem, I had asked Chris if he would be a sort of safety net for me.  I believe my exact request was for him to be "someone to help me catch the worst, most egregious, most dangerous things and hold me accountable for them."  He graciously agreed, we set some broad parameters, and we left it at that–he’d step up only if necessary. To be honest, I really intended the arrangement to be a sort of psychological safety net (but never actually employed) for three reasons.  One, I didn’t anticipate needing him to spank me because I didn’t think I’d be doing anything that bad; I thought it would give me some peace of mind to know that there was someone there just in case.  Two, I wasn’t sure I was ready for anyone to take that role with me because I was (and am) grieving the loss of an intimate relationship that involved discipline.  And three, Chris has always struck me as an easy-going guy (I’ve even accused him of being an indulgent top) with a lot of integrity, so I was confident that he wouldn’t just look for reasons to spank me, that realistically he would probably only spank me if I came to him first.  (Which ended up being pretty accurate–at least the latter part.)

I approached him about this problem (though he claims he’d noticed something too and was planning on asking me about it).  We agreed that it was a problem and I asked him to take an active role in helping me address it.  I’ll spare you all the gory details (because I know you’re not interested in those, {grin}) but suffice it to say that I have become well acquainted with the carpet in Chris and sparkle’s family room–also the corner of said family room.  I have met several new paddles and wooden implements (Chris has unfortunately figured out how intensely I dislike wood) that I would rather stay in their toybox.  And I have discovered that I hate writing lines.  A lot.  Especially when the line is long and I am tired and there are still 98 to go.

It also turns out that Chris is something of a formidable top when he puts his mind to it.  Not as easy-going or indulgent as he seems at first.  One of my biggest initial concerns, honestly, was that Chris would be too
nice.  I thought it was quite likely that he’d be too gentle or not
stern enough with me.  Because I can have an insanely high tolerance
and I can be {ahem} spirited (some might say "stubborn"), it takes an intense spanking and a very focused top to get me where I need
to be with a punishment.  Chris, however, has more than proved his
mettle, I think perhaps surprising even himself in the process.  (I
know that he plans to post about this separately on his own blog to
give a different perspective and will add comments here as well.)

Obviously there are a lot of discussion topics to tease out of this new development, but the biggest one for me has to do with the fact that Chris and I are not in an intimate relationship with each other and have no plans to be.  This is new for me.  I’ve only ever experienced discipline in the context of long-term relationships, as have many of the authors and readers of PB, though I don’t recall us talking extensively about punishment outside the confines of our primary relationships, so I’m not sure if it’s a common experience or not.  The dynamic between Chris and me is very comfortable; we’ve talked openly and at length about what we both need and what’s ok.  He and sparkle have talked about it.  Sparkle and I have talked about it.  We’re all clear about what’s going on and we check in routinely to make sure things are still going well.  Which is to say that I’m not worried about this change in my friendship with Chris, but I am both interested in and attentive to the differences between this arrangement and the others I’ve experienced in the past. 

For example, it’s quite different to go to someone else’s house for a punishment.  To show up, get spanked, get reassured, and then leave.  (Though frequently I end up staying for dinner or staying to chat with sparkle/play with the princess.)  That adds a certain formality to the proceedings not there when I’m in my own space.  There’s also the scheduling problem.  Chris and sparkle had houseguests for ten days at the end of December and then I was gone for my sister’s wedding at the beginning of January.  We all have full lives and things can’t be addressed immediately–which is true in primary relationships too, but in different ways and for different reasons. 

And then there’s the intimacy.  Playing with someone is intimate on many levels, not the least of which is anatomical and potentially sexual, but being disciplined by someone is incredibly intimate.  I posted something about this last spring, where I said, "To allow someone to spank me, especially for punishment, means that
I am handing them my whole self in a little ball and asking them to be
careful with it, please."  I would expect to allow my primary partner access to all my foibles, flaws, insecurities, neuroses, and other assorted issues.  But it’s different with someone else, mostly because the limits of friendship are different and I’m not terribly good at being vulnerable anyway.  It’s harder to be truly open with someone else, to be brutally honest about my motivations, my brokenness, and my defects.  Honesty is the only way disciplinary relationships can work, in my opinion, but the level of honesty/openness/forthrightness is different with friends and primary partners.  And Chris transcends that line in some ways.  I have to confess when I’ve messed up–though he’s pretty good about asking me–and I have to do that with someone with whom I would normally not be so transparent.  Someone with whom I would rather make silly sports bets* and spaghetti sauce.  It’s forcing me to be more vulnerable, which is actually good for me, because I’m finding that this is a safe space in which to be less-than-perfect.  But it’s definitely different.

So now I have just what I wished for in my last post: accountability through spanking.  Not for everything, of course, and not in the same way I would have in a primary relationship with discipline.  But I am being held accountable and I am being punished.  I feel safe and cared for and loved.  And that’s what we’re ultimately after, isn’t it?

*Oh, and as a point of honor, I would like to make public the fact that I honored my bet with Chris on the same night that I received a punishment.  I came over early, got punished, ate dinner with Chris, sparkle, and the princess, and then paid down the bet after the princess went to bed.  The punishment that night was not particularly harsh, but still.  I’m rather proud that I was able to take both in one evening.  😀

20 thoughts on “Be careful what you wish for

  1. Rob

    Iris, We should have talked first!!!! I was never in any doubt from reading Chris’ and Sparkle’s blog that he would be “formidable”. He comes across as a nice guy, true enough, but they’re the ones you really have to watch out for, not to mention that he has that steely, gritty, ‘I’m doing this because it’s the right thing to do’ mentality, that makes it really tough for naughty girls to argue with. But I’ve loved reading about all this, as well as the ‘bet’ (what were you thinking??? LOL), and I’m really pleased that the arrangement is working out so well. (apart from what must be a sore tush!!)

  2. Fireman Chris

    A sore tush is definitely a sensation Iris is becoming reacquainted with, though I must say that she’s been doing good overall. There have been a few punishments, yes, but more days without them than with.
    And I am glad that I’m disabusing her of the notion that I’m “indulgent”. 😉
    I did write a post of my own about this on my blog at A lot of my thoughts are similar to Iris’, but its my own take on the situation as well.

  3. sparkle

    I think that maybe Iris’s perception that Chris is indulgent is because of me. Whether he admits it or not, he *is* indulgent with me, probably because I’m harder on myself than anyone needs to be. But also he’s indulgent with me because of the nature of our relationship. Chris started out spoiling me rotten, and thankfully he’s never quite gotten over it (nor do I want him to). I think I have probably even described him as indulgent before.
    Iris, you noted above that “Obviously there are a lot of discussion topics to tease out of this new development, but the biggest one for me has to do with the fact that Chris and I are not in an intimate relationship with each other and have no plans to be.” Actually, this reality is one of the reasons, I think, that he doesn’t seem as indulgent to you as he can be with me. The fact is, I can distract him with the possibility of intimacy. I can distract him from spanking me more or harder because the princess is sleeping for only so long, because he has to get back to work, or because it’s been x days since we’ve been intimate. You don’t have that, er, opportunity to offer him something besides spanking that he also enjoys, and thus, I think he is less forgiving when you’re actually over his lap. (He’s going to spank me for this, I know it. ;))
    There are other reasons I see as contributing to his indulgence with me, too, but going into them all would get off-topic and is more a subject for a separate entry than a comment.
    In any event, I’m really glad that Chris was physically here and able to step into the role he and Iris have created for him. I think I told Iris this once upon a time, but her presence in our lives is a treasured gift. Helping her be safe and healthy is not an obligation, it’s an honor.

  4. Iris

    Rob, I should have talked to you first! 🙂 I think sparkle hit it on the head when she said that my impression of Chris as being indulgent comes from watching him with her. He dotes on her (which I love to watch), so I guess I inferred that he would be similarly gentle with me. As his post points out, that’s more of his style or preference, but he has also proven himself more than capable of a harder, stricter disciplinary style.
    sparkle, I’m not sure what to say to the last part of your comment besides, “Thank you.” You three (the princess included!) have been such tremendous blessings for me. I will admit to struggling with some guilt about whether this new arrangement is taking a toll on your family as a whole, and I am grateful and humbled to hear this from you.
    Much love and many hugs,

  5. Rob

    Iris/Sparkle: To clarify, since I was being a bit cheeky in my first comment, from a reader’s point of view, it always struck me that Chris was an indulgent, loving husband, but also one who saw his role, both at home and in the community, as being, to do what needed to be done. Thus if he thought Iris needed a hard spanking, that’s what Iris was going to get. He’s the kind of guy that I wouldn’t mess with, because I know that he would carry through with what he thought was right. (and yes, Sparkle, you do indeed have an advantage there and you probably are going to be spanked) By the way, that’s a compliment. I only read two blogs on a regular basis – and Chris’ is one of them. You’re in good hands, Iris!!

  6. Iris

    Rob, I completely agree with you–well said! Chris does have the trait where he sees what needs to be done and then does it. It’s an admirable quality and a reassuring one, though not always when “what needs to be done” = “a spanking for Iris.” 🙂

  7. Natty

    I think an alternate title for this post might be, “Friends don’t let friends go unspanked.” 😉
    Glad that Chris, sparkle and the princess are able to be there for you, Iris and glad you’re there for them! 🙂

  8. Iris

    I like that title, Natty! 🙂 And in our community, it’s true.
    Amber, I do remember you suggesting something along these lines, I think sometime after Chris and I were discussing the new arrangement. Posting about it takes a while for me, though, because it’s so personal (and different than anything I’ve done before!).
    And Mija, thanks for the sweet comment–I missed it before!

  9. Bex

    My boyfreind used to punish me for smoking.. the only problem is that now we’ve broken up I smoke to spite him… though Im not saying I’ve never fantasized about him catching me again!

  10. Michelle

    I’ve never really been on any sites like this before… i’m a virgin to all of this. I’ve never even been spanked before…. although i’m sure it would happen if the situation presented it self.. lets see.. i’m a university student.. I skip class far to often and my grades have dropped a little… as well as tonight alone I spent $300 on ebay……..

  11. Lurker

    Michelle – If you’re going to start with any sites on this topic, this one and the blogs and websites that the contributors maintain are great places to start, in my opinion. I’ve started being interesting in this topic somewhat recently (although I’ve always found it ‘interesting’ in a different sense), and I’ve been lurking around here quite a bit – everyone is so thoughful and open and really discuss things in a reasoned and worthwhile way. 🙂

  12. Iris

    Hi Bex, Michelle, and Lurker!
    Glad to see you here! I hope you’re finding useful threads and conversations, and I hope you find good partners to discuss your needs and wants.
    Warm welcome,

  13. JR

    Hello all. I have read some of the blogs here, and am impressed. I’m new to blogging but not new to administering discipline (via spanking) in a non-sexual, serious manner for “teaching lessons”, letting guilt go, and punishing poor behavior that is admitted by female adults. I have spanked females from 18 through 55 years of age, some which had been spanked before and some that had not. What struck me as ironic is to here about Chris, the disciplinarian, who was thought to be a great guy but not necessarily the type to dole out a real punishment satisfactorily to make a difference in behavior or attitude. Reading that he may be “too nice” was an addition to the irony. I have too always seem to have been questioned like this by females. I have been disciplining off and on for 10 years now and after I actually do end up disciplining, that myth of “maybe he can’t do it right because he’s too nice” magically disappears! I am very good at what I do because it’s “in my nature” and pretty much always has been. It’s part “you have it or you don’t” and then experience. Just experience if you “don’t have it” to begin with is, I find, futile. Nearly everyone I have disciplined, especially first timers, end up saying “how do you spank like that? You don’t seem like the type when you are not lecturing or spanking. You just don’t seem the stature or look strong enough, at first. How come that stung so much??? Your hand was as bad or worse than the hairbrush was! Okay, sorry, I take back everything I said or thought about you not being able to do the job adequately.” It comes down to having the experience in your conscious and subconscious for a very long time. I know this first hand, because I have been on the receiving end of discipline from a female before as an adult and have found only 3 so far in my life that really knew what they were doing. There are many more than that that do know what they are doing, but, many more do not know than do know. I once thought one of those three disciplinarians was using a hairbrush or paddle, only to find out it was her HAND! She explained that concept to me of having passion for what you are doing. And it makes a huge diffence between real quality and quantity of being disciplined. Quality discipline is not forgotten, but quantity discipline, like everything else in life, just goes on and on with no satisfaction or imbedded memory on the event. Does this make sense to anyone? I’d like to write more but I’d also prefer some feedback first. Thanks for reading.

  14. Rob

    JR: Your post is fascinating and it’s great to read the thoughts of a disciplinarian. I have a question. You write that “quality discipline is never forgotten”. Can you elaborate on this? Are you talking duration, strength, level of intensity?? What do you make of ‘repeat offenders’? How would you handle that?? Re your response to various girls calling Chris a ‘nice guy’ would you not agree, that that is an important component for a disciplinarian?? I can’t imagine too many girls offering themselves up to a complete authoritarian ‘bastard’ type. That may be good for fantasies, but in real life…….

  15. JR

    Rob, thanks for your comments. To elaborate on what I mean by “quality of discipline”, I mean all of what you mentioned(duration, length, level of intensity) in addition to communication (lecturing, scolding), embarrassment, but most importantly psychologically, mentally, and being able to “read” your disciplinee, because everyone is different and has different needs. Being able to read someone is a gift and comes with experience as well. Reading body language and verbal cues are important to a quality discipline session because everyone has differing tolerances. I don’t feel that adults should just try a punishment spanking to see what it’s like. I think it should be a way of discipline that an adult has thought about and desires (although at the time it’s administered it isn’t so desirable). Punishment spankings HURT!! As for your next question, mistakes happen in life. But staunch repeat offenders get a progressively severe punishment until the message gets across. At some point it becomes not worth it to repeat the offense. When one has a sore bottom for a week or two the message usually is clear by then, if it has to go that far. I do not ever believe in beatings or abuse, but I do believe in firmer punishments if need be….. such as a hard bare bottom over the knee hairbrush spanking, a paddling or strapping while bent over grabbing knees or ankles, or even a caning. I don’t have a problem with very red, sore bottoms, even with bruising if necessary, or stripe marks from a cane. Every time the disciplinee afterwards sits, is sitting, gets up, or dries themself off with a towel after showering, the reminder of the punishment is there. This may sound harsh but the harsher punishments are for repeat offenders or very bad offenses. I of course wouldn’t take things that far without consent or implied consent (most disciplinees that trust you don’t want to have to spell everything out, they want a disciplinarian who knows how to handle things). Sore, red bottoms, even with bruises do heal. I never believe in permanently injuring anyone and never would. These kinds of punishments are better left to experienced disciplinarians, because someone who doesn’t know what they are doing could really injure someone badly and is very dangerous. I’m sure Chris is a very nice guy, as am I (although you probably don’t think I am after reading that lol), and yes, it is important for this type of relationship. A level head is also a very good idea. I was just trying to point out the irony that some women go for a nice disciplinarian at first for safety, and then say “wait, ok I feel safe, but too safe, can this guy do the job?” I understand it all and just got a kick out of hearing that he went through the same thing. I guess we all have to prove ourselves, right? 😉 The main point being that if you have to prove yourself to yourself, then you didn’t have what it takes to begin with to be a quality discipliner. I agree with everything in your post Rob. By the way, I would like to add since I seemed like I could be quite a severe disciplinarian that I would never do to anyone what I haven’t received myself. I think it’s better to know first hand what you are really doling out to someone if you are going to administer a punishment like that. I have been spanked in all the ways I mentioned, and have had a sore, bruised bottom for a week or two myself before. It’s an excellent almost constant reminder to change an attitude or behavior for sure! But I healed up perfectly without a mark or scratch, on many occasions. I received all of those kinds of punishments before I administered it to any disciplinee. I hope that answers your questions. If you continue to like my comments I’d love to post more blogs in the future. Thanks.

  16. Rob

    JR: Many thanks for your response. It really is terrific to get your perspective. I do hope that you post again, and I would love to know your thoughts about a discipline relationship that is part of a marriage/long term relationship. This seems more tricky to me. Whilst there are definite guidelines to follow in the sort of r/ship you describe above, a marriage tends to be more fluid and subject to mood and circumstance. I think it requires a more playful tone myself, but I’d love to read your thoughts. Welcome!


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