What now?

Have you ever felt like you just had to be spanked or you would burst?  Like you wanted to fling yourself over the lap of the nearest toppy person (creepy neighbors excluded) and beg them to spank you soundly?  Or like you wanted to throw a tantrum in the middle of the street just so that someone would grab your ear and drag you off to be spanked?

Um, I have.

I think the epitome of this feeling and its desired resolution is in Kayley's story from a long time ago, "Little Girl Days," even though it's a slightly different scenario than mine.
I love this story because it captures the energy and the emotion so
perfectly.  There are times when I feel like the world is out of
control and I am out of control and I just want
someone to come and put it back together for me.  To create some kind
of boundaries and structure and meaning out of it.  To let me know that
there are limits and that I will be held accountable for crossing those
limits.

As some of the initial grief from my relationship ending is easing (not
ending, you understand, just easing a bit), I find myself focusing more
on the loss of discipline and missing it fiercely.  "Missing it" is kind of a misnomer, actually.  I don't really miss it as much as I feel like a junkie that hasn't had a hit in months and is going through intense withdrawal.

On an intellectual level it's interesting to observe what's going on inside me.  I am able to separate the need for discipline from the need for sexual release in a way I've never quite done before.  Orgasms I can achieve on my own easily, quickly, and very satisfactorily.  But lately I've been craving discipline, and no matter how many AAA batteries I go through, I'm not meeting that need.  Which means that I have all this pent-up energy and I'm not always sure what to do with it. 

Last weekend I was so hyped up and desperate that I went for a run.  I hate running.  And I hate running on hills even more.  But I ran hard for a mile and a half here in the foothills, just to try to release some of that energy and make myself tired.  In some ways it worked, and I found an interesting parallel to discipline.  I dislike most athletic activities and I am not a push-your-body-a-little-harder kind of a girl, but I tried to push myself during this run.  I found that even though I hated it, later in the evening I had a feeling of tiredness and serenity similar to the one I usually get after a good spanking.  Which might mean that I'll get into fantastic shape in the next few months (it'll go great with my habit of not eating while I'm grieving!), because even though my body is craving spanking, my heart and my mind are hesitant to go out and experience it.

And so the saga of Life After Discipline continues.

31 thoughts on “What now?

  1. Dyke Grrl

    Oh, Iris, I completely understand what you mean! I get that feeling (I *have* that feeling right now).
    Unfortunately, my body isn’t able to do the extreme physical things you describe (even moderate walking has pretty lasting negative repercussions).
    One of the complications, in my own relationship, is that it’s generally one of my younger parts who is really itching for that spanking. And those parts think and behave like little kids, which makes W very uncomfortable with the notion of spanking them, since we both believe it’s wrong to spank actual children. Unfortunately, there’s nothing else that quite meets that need; so I wind up struggling against interminable brattiness in order to get it relieved.
    (Five or so years ago, when I was single, I went through a phase like this. Two different people–neither of whom would ever have done this had they thought about it–gave me sharp smacks on the butt. You can always try the bratting approach, and see what happens! ;P )

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  2. Rob

    Iris, It is interesting about the exercise. I have been doing a pump class requiring really pushing myself beyond my usual endurance, which I hate. But since I have been spanked – less than 6 months – I have been saying to myself, “Well if you can push your bottom to new limits, why not your heart”, and I’ve been doing much better. The sense of release and a smug satisfaction does have something similar about it. That said, I know that if I go a week without a spanking, regardless of the exercise, I am pretty itchy, and a bit down. (I’m not sure about the sex part, since that sort of goes hand in hand if you know what I mean.) My husband wonders if it is chasing endorphins. Maybe. Who really knows?? All I know is that I feel great again. The silly thing is that there are probably really nice guys in your part of the world who would be willing to assist you at this time, but I haven’t a clue how one goes about something like that. But it makes sense don’t you think to make some enquiries?? Do the ‘we can trust you tops’ have anything to add about this?

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  3. Fireman Chris

    Iris,
    Believe it or not, when I heard about you running for this reason, I didn’t find it strange at all.
    I think Rob hit the nail on the head. Endorphins do play a part in spanking play, and I remember reading somewhere that they’re the same ones that athletes experience when they engage in strenuous activity, so running can be at least a somewhat effective substitute (though not nearly as much fun…said by one who absolutely loathes running).
    There are times when I’m so keyed up, particularly after having rushed to meet a deadline or had some other sort of stressful period of time, that I feel that same sort of “excess energy” you describe and feel a need to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to burn it off. Sometimes I don’t do so, and I usually regret it because I’m then left restless and unable to concentrate, sleep, etc. Last year, I had a fit of that (following some work stress and other issues), and went and chopped wood for an hour. I felt much better afterwards, if sore and tired. Hmmm, does sounds sort of like a spanking, doesn’t it?
    In any event, when your heart, mind AND bottom are all ready to be spanked again, you’ll know. And I know there are plenty of guys who will be more than happy to get you across their lap at that time and give you all the help you need and/or want.
    Until then, plenty of “fierce hugs” here too.

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  4. Megs

    Iris-
    I know what you mean, both about the exercise sub space and the itching for a beating… I think my lifelong kinkiness is at least partially to blame for my brattiest and most smartassed tendencies. Good luck… :-/
    Dyke Grrl-
    I have a suggestion that works for me when I start to feel brat-attacks coming on… my b/f and I have several “rules”… things I’m “not allowed” to do. An example might be not being allowed to wear a baseball cap. In other words, something that’s really not “bad,” but that I can do to act out when I’m feeling bratty. That way he gets the signal loud and clear that I need a spanking NOW please unless he wants me to fall into true brat mode… and by signaling it in a less negative way it cuts down on frustration on both sides… not to mention guilt on my side for acting like a… brat. Just a thought, I dunno if it will work for you, but I can generally feel those moods brewing up more easily than he can.

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  5. Iris

    Maybe we can start a discipline-withdrawal aerobics class! Sounds like there might be a couple people who would sign up…
    sparkle and Chris, I’m not sure that a fierce hugging is what I had in mind. 😀 Still, I’ll happily cash in on those offers the next time I see you two.

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  6. Fireman Chris

    Megs wrote: “I have a suggestion that works for me when I start to feel brat-attacks coming on… my b/f and I have several “rules”… things I’m “not allowed” to do. An example might be not being allowed to wear a baseball cap. In other words, something that’s really not “bad,” but that I can do to act out when I’m feeling bratty. That way he gets the signal loud and clear that I need a spanking NOW please unless he wants me to fall into true brat mode… and by signaling it in a less negative way it cuts down on frustration on both sides… not to mention guilt on my side for acting like a… brat.”
    There was a discussion back on a.s.s. about this, with the suggested apparel being a pair of orange socks. So, whenever Sparkle wears orange socks, she gets a red bottom. (I’ve even been accused of spanking her when our daughter wears orange socks.)

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  7. Iris

    “LOL. Did you want me to offer to spank you?”
    Ummmm, definitely no. One toppy person in your house is enough for me, thanks. Plus, I’d rather have your hugs. 🙂

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  8. Megs

    *grin* Well Chris, my rule is that I’m not allowed to wear a shirt while in the bedroom, but I didn’t think that was an appropriate suggestion for someone whose brattiness is connected to an inner child (or inner children). Glad the idea’s already out there… just as well though, I don’t own any orange socks.

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  9. Dyke Grrl

    My inner children get immense satisfaction from fingerpainting the walls and refusing to clean it up. Actually, fingerpainting is quite soothing, even without being particularly naughty.
    I’m working with W on creating more rules around the household, because I’m finding that the inner children are feeling quite upset that they have to figure out the rules by themselves, and then make themselves obey the rules by themselves. The problem is, I think W is reluctant to come up with a disciplinary structure solely so I can disobey it! (And I can’t honestly say that there won’t be resistance for the sake of resistance; but we’ve talked about how so many of my parts are looking to be reassured that there is someone taking care of me, and that part of this is having someone hold a structure together. And the younger parts won’t believe the rules are real unless there are consequences when they’re broken.)
    Sending you brat-solidarity thoughts. Maybe there’ll be a switch in your stocking this year after all! (As my older sister says frequently this time of year, “You never know what Santa’s going to bring.”)

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  10. amber

    You know, the more I read this blog, the more I realize that I don’t really need discipline provided to me by someone else per se – indeed, I’ve been a self-motivated and self-educated maverick all of my life – it’s more that it’s pleasurable to me to be given rules and tasks, but the productivity is usually ultimately dependent on what I feel like and what I find important.

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  11. Mary

    Just to let you know — I am struggling with the same issue right now. I am even considering asking my neighbor LOL well almost considering. I have self spanked – it didn’t work. – I think I will try the exercise thing next. Good luck

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  12. Rob

    I think we have just established a gap in the market! LOL For any enterprising soul out there reading this site, I see franchising possibilities, possibly called ‘SPANK ME’. Aerobic classes could be an additional membership benefit!!

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  13. Natty

    A bit more leather than my taste and I suspect yours too, but:
    http://www.slavercise.com/home.htm
    And soooo hear ya, sister. Missing a spanking can feel as strong as any hunger pangs. Not sure if it would be as intense as what a drug addict feels, but lordy can it be intense.
    Oh oh — and I like that suggestion, Megs, about the hat/shirt to signal oncoming brattiness. So gonna have to work that out with my honey.

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  14. Natty

    “I don’t really need discipline provided to me by someone else per se – indeed, I’ve been a self-motivated and self-educated maverick all of my life – it’s more that it’s pleasurable to me to be given rules and tasks, but the productivity is usually ultimately dependent on what I feel like and what I find important.”
    Several years ago on the newsgroup we had one of many, many punishment vs. foreplay discussions regarding spanking in which both Dyke Grrl and Mija contributed some very thoughtful posts. I remember that particular thread because one, I wrote a story based on one of the ideas that came out of it and two, because I printed up both of their posts that every now and I then I run across whenever I’m cleaning out my desk. Mija mentioned a friend comparing the disciplinary relationship to driving — how she’s perfectly capable of driving but prefers to let someone else do it if the offer is there.
    I’ve always thought that was a good analogy. I’m a great driver (or was, have been physically incapable for awhile) but I hate driving in the city. If someone else offers to drive, I’m like, “hell yeah!” Likewise, between my partner and I, I’m by far the more hyperactive, over-achiever. But having him there to enforce structure just makes life sweeter. And yes, easier.
    Now, if he insisted that only he can drive and I shouldn’t, or if, say, I never learned to drive because I didn’t want to, that would not be responsible for either of us. I can enforce structure on myself, just as he can enforce structure on himself, and frankly we *both* struggle with self-discipline. Having him discipline me works for me, whereas it doesn’t work for him and he’s had to find other forms of motivation. But discipline is always based on what is important to me, what I want for me. If it wasn’t, it’d just be abusive.

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  15. Dyke Grrl

    Natty– *Exactly*!
    Between me and W, I’d say W. struggles more with discipline and structure, but punishment doesn’t work for her. For me, a huge part of getting someone else in on the discipline and structure is not that I don’t hold myself accountable, but that I spend too much energy “holding myself accountable” (aka, beating myself up for mistakes) and it gets in the way of just living my life. If someone else is helping with discipline, then I can use my energy to get things actually done.
    Of course, there’s also that whole broad category of self-care, where I just don’t seem to have the motivation to do it, absent punishment. I mean, yes, eventually I’ll eat something, and after a while, my body does collapse and sleep, but left to my own devices, these are things with which I struggle mightily. And self-motivation just doesn’t seem to do the job there. So in that case, yes, I *should* be able to do it for myself, but I know based on 30-odd years of experience, that I don’t.

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  16. nelle

    Another thought provoking topic on PB! Thanks Iris!
    I also have experienced the parallels between the endorphin rush from exercising and the endorphin rush from spanking, and the calm, all-is-right-in-the-world feeling after both. Actually I was a pretty fanatical exerciser before I got married- though not anymore- and I joke that it is becasue I now can get my rush without all the unpleaseant side effects, like physical exertion!LOL
    I love that you included the link to the post “Little Girl Days,” because that juxtaposition really got me thinking. I realized that spanking is really about the best of both of those things, the fabulous endorphin rush and at the same time, love, safety, affection and security. I never thought of it in quite that way before. There are definitely times I feel so empowered by overcoming the pain of spanking, I feel bulletproof, supernatural 🙂 and other times I feel more fragile, and it makes sense in this context that I may just be experiencing a swing from one extreme to the other of the feelings that naturally are part of a spaking relationship. Thinking about this has been very helpful to me, thank you.
    Also I was a bit troubled and still mulling over an idea that came up in the “feminist” post- that this kink comes from reainacting abuse or reinacting some strange confusing experience from childhood. Thinking about this post suggested another way to think about where this kink comes from. Perhaps my endorphin loving, thrill seeking personality combined with a desire to be safe, secure, loved? The best of both worlds.
    Nelle

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  17. Iris

    Nelle, your comments got *me* thinking! 🙂 Thanks for the exchange of ideas. I agree with what you said about our “endorphin-loving personalities combined with a desire to be safe, secure, and loved.” It really is the best of both worlds.
    As for all the exercise comments, I think it’d be a great idea to start a fitness club for those of us without discipline partners at the moment. The only problem would be finding the motivation to go… 😉

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  18. Rob

    Dear Iris,
    The thing to do is make it a pre-pay semester/term of classes. Once we’ve already paid, the motivation to attend the class is so much greater.

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  19. Fireman Chris

    Iris wrote: “As for all the exercise comments, I think it’d be a great idea to start a fitness club for those of us without discipline partners at the moment. The only problem would be finding the motivation to go… ;-)”
    Perhaps the “motivation” could be included in the membership. Say, a burly, toppy personal trainer who came to your door when you didn’t show up regularly.
    Or perhaps that would be a motivation NOT to go. 😉

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  20. Rob

    Fireman Chris: I think you were right the first time. A burly, toppy personal trainer asking why you didn’t show up last week, would be enough to keep the most unmotivated of us in check I think. There truly is wisdom in your words; there’s a large female running group here that runs around a large gardens in town, and he barks out orders,running beside them. “Come on ladies, let’s GO – RUN NOW!!!! – and it is really a sight to see. Believe me, they RUNNNNNN!! By the way, thanks for a great year. You’ve been a delight to read over at your blog and here from time to time, and I wish you a very happy holiday. (An individual suitcase of implements for the trip. Yeeeeeesh!!!)

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  21. Fireman Chris

    We actually have a local workout group that’s run by an ex-Army non-com. He calls it the “boot camp” workout and bases a lot of it on actual military PT, along with the military-style motivation.

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  22. persephone

    i really like that driving analogy. i drive all the time but i am always happier to be the one in the passenger seat. and lately i’ve realized how much i like structure being enforced by someone else. it does create a similar feeling of calm and contentedness. 🙂

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  23. jovee

    Interesting comments about endorphin rushes with exercise and spanking….I joined a gym and gained an exercise programme at about the same time as I gained a buddy who spanks me …no wonder I have a contented grin on my face most of the time…and sometimes I get through however long it should be on a modern day instrument of torture by drifting off into fantasy land about a past or future spanking. I guess I am not alone in this method of occupying the mind whilst exercising the body!

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  24. Rob

    Jovee: Your comment reminds me of the last pump class for the year. The trainer was in one of her manic moods and we were dying. Some of the girls had been upstairs, I’d been running laps downstairs. “Upstairs, Rob” I heard. “Take you time” the girls coming down the stairs, called out. “It’s torture up there.” And as I looked up to the flight of stairs before me, my mind returned to Haron’s post about lingering at the bottom of the stairs before heading up for a spanking. (for reading in the dark I think. Such a crime!) I found myself wondering if that wasn’t such a bad alternative. under the circumstances!

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  25. james

    I dont see what the fun in all this spanking is. When i was at school when ever i was naughty i would be summoned to the headmasters office for a well smacked bottom. I usually got the slipper but on a couple of occasssions the cane. one time i got six of the best with the slipper on my bare bottom…it was very painful!

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  26. Mija

    james: I understand where your confusion is coming from. I think part of it has to do with choice and control. This life is something I’ve chosen for myself. I don’t actually enjoy the smacking (though I know many who do — it’s sensation), but rather the dynamic it gives our relationship.
    Do you mind me thanking you for the details you left here of your slippering? I do love reading about the school thing. 🙂

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