Pushing it

Today I got the first disciplinary spanking in almost a year.

Part of the reason it's been so long is because I've been struggling with my punishment kink. I've been meaning to write about my struggles in their messy, raw form but I think by the time I get around to writing about it, I will have some more coherent thoughts.

But mostly it's because I've been struggling with illness, something I mentioned in my last post on this blog in January, that got a lot worse at the end of May when I ended up with blood clots in my lungs and was promptly placed on anticoagulants for the rest of my life. After a chat with the hematologist, A. and I have discovered that there are still spankings to be had while on blood thinners. But our experimenting has just been play. No discipline.

Until today.

I have Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (also known as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis outside the United States). It's a lot like having a horrible case of the flu, except that it never goes away and starts to affect your nervous system and gene expression and well, you basically feel close to death half the time.

But every now and then you get a day where you feel just a little bit less shitty than normal. For me this often follows a good session with the acupuncturist/massage therapist. Not always, but often. And yesterday's session made me feel somewhat decent today.

So, what to do with my day of feeling good? Why do laundry and clean the bathroom!

(My sisters and I were playing Friends trivia game one Christmas. I picked the card that asked "what Friend are you most like?" All three of us went, "Monica!" No joke.)

"Now don't you over do it, lady." A. rubbed my back and gave me a slight smack on the ass.

"I'm not. I'm just going to clean the bathroom really quick."

"No, you're not cleaning the bathroom."

"But it won't take me that long," I promised.

"No, I'll do it when I get back from Trader Joe's." He nodded to reassure me.

"But I've already got the floor ready to sweep and mop and –"

"– No, you're not going to do it. You're already doing laundry." A.'s voice got a bit more firm.

"But it won't take me that long and…" You won't do it right, I thought.

"You're not cleaning the bathroom. I'll do it when I get back from the store." His voice was very firm this time. In fact, I don't think he's ever spoken that sharply to me before. Granted, I don't think I've tried to argue that much with him before, especially when I know deep down that he's right. Indeed, I think I was even giving him The Look, or at least a modified version thereof.

I took a deep breath.

"Okay, I won't clean the bathroom." I sighed and might have rolled my eyes a bit once he turned his back.

He sat down on the bed (the center of every studio apartment) and since the laundry wasn't going to need dealing with for a good half an hour or so, there was nothing more for me to do than to sit down on the bed next to him.

"You so better not clean that bathroom." Still stern, but without the edge to it.

"I won't. I'll rest."

"Good." He cuddled me and kissed me. And smacked my bottom. Then smacked it some more. "I think you need a warning spanking. Over my lap."

And over I went.

At least I was on his left side so it was his left hand whacking my bottom. They were still pretty solid smacks though. I wasn't counting but it seemed like 20 or 30.

True, it was a light spanking. And I have to admit, once he left to go to Trader Joe's, I laid there on the bed trying to decide what I could get away with, despite my trousers and panties still somewhat awkwardly arranged from their trip back up. I quickly decided he'd notice if I did go ahead and clean the bathroom. But what if I just swept and mopped the floor but didn't clean the counter, which was the most obviously messy? Nah, think he'd notice that too.

There was also the possible punishment to factor in. Directly disobeying him is uncharted territory. The worst spanking I've ever gotten was when he spanked my thighs — back AND front — with the wooden spoon, and it's always what has deterred me from possible transgressions in the past. But the wooden spoon is out thanks to the anticoagulants (it bruises like a mf). However, the cane is still very much available and considering his fondness for it, I could probably expect 18 or more strokes if I did clean the bathroom, as well as the strap and maybe even the riding crop. You know, in addition to feeling really really super shitty tomorrow because I overdid it (last week it was so bad I could barely even talk).

Well, I suppose in answer to Iris's question regarding justice and deterrence, deterrence is definitely an aspect of A.'s punishment philosophy. And, as you can see, for good reason.

In the end, I did pour a bit of Borax into the toilet bowel since I had it out anyway for the laundry — but I didn't scrub! And the non-chlorine bleach was out too, so I sprayed down the bathtub and the floor around the toilet. Okay, I did do a tiny bit of scrubbing the bathtub. The whole time I kept thinking, isn't this the part in those children's stories where they start out doing just a little and end up getting into a lot of trouble?

A. did clean the bathroom when he got home. And did a magnificent job too. There was a riding crop and wooden spoon involved, but that's for a non-punishment post. 🙂

10 thoughts on “Pushing it

  1. Haron

    Natty, seriously, how can you clean the bathroom “wrong”? LOL I hope you had something more pleasant to do with your energy afterwards.
    If you get ’round to writing about why you’re struggling with the punishment side of your kink, I’d be very interested to read that, too. (Just don’t overwork yourself!)

    Reply
  2. Natty

    “how can you clean the bathroom “wrong”?”
    Well, you can miss spots on the mirror or the floor and not get the grime around the bottom of the toilet or around the rim of the bowl or not make the faucet (tap) sparkle or not get any potential mold on the shower mat and wipe it down properly or…um, well, you get the idea. 😉
    Who says a submissive can’t be a control freak? LOL
    Of course, being so sick you eventually lower your expectations of tidyness. Though yesterday after getting back from Trader Joes, A. was going through one of his rare subby moods so I got the chance to let my neurotic clean freak loose. 😀
    And I will get to that post on my struggles with my punishment kink. It will happen, I keep telling myself. For like the last four months.

    Reply
  3. Megs >

    I’m glad you’re feeling more normal with things… even if it does mean that being punished is a possibility again.
    But… does anybody else think this is really funny? I don’t want to be insensitive, I know being sick sucks, but trying to decide what you can get away with… in cleaning bathrooms? And then in a final act of rebellion tossing in the bleach and toilet cleaner SO THERE?

    Reply
  4. Natty

    Oh — lol — you’re not being insensitive at all, Megs. It IS funny (and a bit disturbing) that cleaning the bathroom is my idea of rebellion.

    Reply
  5. Dyke Grrl

    Glad to hear you’ve had a bit of a good day recently, Natty, even if it did include a punishment spanking.
    And cleaning the bathroom as rebellion… well, I’m unlikely to clean the bathroom, but hauling out the recycling? carrying a heavy load when I ought to be resting instead? and so on… yeah, I do that.
    I think the “rebellion” comes in when I’m so desperate to get back to that version of myself that could do these things without paying in days’ worth of pain and fatigue. It’s that urge for independence and control.

    Reply
  6. Angie

    I think I’m going to send Dave here. I think I’m being too hard on myself and coming really damn close to asking to be punished for NOT doing enough around my apartment when it should probably be something more like this. (I have fibromyalgia and asthma – the asthma having recently reared it’s ugly head in a bout of bronchitis that landed me in the ER last weekend, and earned me a punishment because I had nothing on hand to get me out of an attack except for an expired inhaler – I’ll explain in a post soon.) Anyway, the basic rule is that I try to do one chore a day – and it can be as simple as a load of laundry, or sweeping a floor, cleaning the catbox, whatever – just one. But I’m often totally overdoing it and I brag about it to Dave, who always praises me (because to do otherwise would just be counterintuitive to him) and then the next day I’m in major pain and neither of us is putting two and two together.
    Maybe we need to stick with a no pushing it rule or something. 🙂

    Reply
  7. Natty

    “I think the “rebellion” comes in when I’m so desperate to get back to that version of myself that could do these things without paying in days’ worth of pain and fatigue. It’s that urge for independence and control.”
    Oh totally. When I lost my caregiver a few months back because of budget cuts, I was actually rather ambivilant at first. I so miss being able to clean my own place like I used to.
    And for me there’s something particularly pleasing about having control over my environment. Sorta like the closest thing to having control over my body, which I sorely miss.

    Reply
  8. Natty

    “…then the next day I’m in major pain and neither of us is putting two and two together.”
    Welcome to the delightful (NOT!) world of Fibromyalgia, my dear. 🙂
    One of the most important — and often very difficult — things to figure out with FMS is where your limits are because they are not the same as they are for healthy people. The no pushing it rule can be tricky and involves a lot of trial and error. For me I’ve found it’s more a case of willfulness vs. arbitrariness. A lot of times the limits feel completely arbitrary. Something that I did last week just fine will leave me in a lot of pain this week and I can’t really say why. But there are times when my gut tells me not to do something but I really want to do it and do it anyway. That’s when I get in trouble. There can be times, though, when it’s hard to make that distinction. I find myself erring on the side of kindness to myself more often these days rather than feeling guilty.
    Though not taking your Prednisone is pretty bad…
    ::hugs::

    Reply
  9. jovee

    Just out of interest- how many of the writers/contributors to PB have ME/CFS, or the equivalent….I was finally diagnosed in March- but believe I have had it for about 14 years….am not too bad at the moment, but have to pace, pace, pace myself….bestest wishes to fellow sufferers love Jovee

    Reply
  10. Dyke Grrl

    Jovee–I don’t have ME/CFS, but I do have fibromyalgia, which I believe is quite related.
    However, I will say that two of my sisters have it, and neither of them is interested in spanking, so the two things don’t necessarily go hand in hand. ;P

    Reply

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