Monthly Archives: May 2006

Transcript of a Spanking

Saturday

22:00: I’m faithfully working. Focused. Accomplishing tasks. Have just started a complex report to be made to my overseers and peers. I have the presence of mind to ask Chris to, well, remind me to retrieve the laundry from the dryer before going to bed.

22:30: Chris asks me, perfectly unruffled, when I will be ready for bed. Distracted by my project, I give the misguided answer of β€œin a few minutes.” Still tranquil, Chris reminds me that I need to unload the dryer. I immediately fall back into my impressive balance sheet and let the rest of the world drift away.

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Layers of Trust

I've been thinking a bit lately about trust and the role it plays in a disciplinary relationship.  Obviously you have to trust a disciplinarian with basic things like safety and consent, but there are other issues that go along with it.  Discipline is a very deep thing for me–much deeper than (though linked to) sex.  In my pre-M days, I used to muse about whether I'd find a vanilla partner and how I'd convert them.  I even dated a few people without telling them about my need for spanking at all, and these were people with whom I was sexually active.  I was willing to have sex with them, but not to let them spank me.  Sex is a less intimate activity for me than spanking, and MUCH less intimate than discipline.  To have sex with someone I only have to be attracted to them and aroused–and trust them.  But to allow someone to spank me, especially for punishment, means that I am handing them my whole self in a little ball and asking them to be careful with it, please.

The other part of these trust musings has to do with my vanilla friends and family.  Of all the people I know in the world, maybe 10% know about my spanking side.  And outside of others in the scene, NO ONE knows about the discipline part.  Not one.  Not my best friend who knows about Shadow Lane and asks about it, not my sister, no one.  Which means there's a whole other layer of trust around punishment spankings.  Somehow it's ok if they think I do this for sex, but not ok if they know I do this for real things.

I'm not sure there's a point to this, I've just been thinking about it.  Anyone else have thoughts?

Unexpected

I didn’t expect to have a punishment to write about quite so soon. But I do. (Part of me wondered whether it was because W. wanted me to have something to post about, but she says not. She says it’s not even because of my post on my own blog yesterday, but I know she read it, so I’ve got a few doubts.)

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. In part, it’s because I’ve been having a lot of difficult days lately. And in part, it’s because I had therapy; while therapy is good, it also takes a lot out of me, and leaves me a bit (in the sense where “a bit” means “over 90%”) dissociated. Which is to say, by the time W. got home, I was rather on edge.

But I was managing. W. had given me a totally unexpected “good girl” spanking Wednesday night, and in addition to that, the effects of my Sunday night spanking had only just worn off. So I thought I was in a place where I could make it through the rest of the week.

However… I was also coping with a small part of my brain that was feeling hurt and resentful that W. has had to work such long hours recently. Rationally, I know perfectly well that it’s necessary, and it’s how we pay the bills, and it’s how she’s doing such a great job at work. But this little kid voice inside of me was letting me know that it feels (um, I guess I feel, even though I *swear* it feels separate from me!) a bit lonely and, well, not taken care of. And I guess it was showing, even though I
didn’t think it was.

So after dinner was over, W. said, “I guess you didn’t think I noticed when you painted the wardrobe, so you did it again. I guess you’re telling me you didn’t get the response you wanted. I think I need to spank you for that.”

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A Brief History of Iris

At the risk of sounding redundant, I’ll begin my post like Dyke Grrl and say how tickled I am to be asked to join the outstanding group of women who founded the Punishment Book.  It’s both an honor and a joy, since there are so few venues for intelligent conversation about what we do.  Thank you all for the invitation.

Now.  On to introductions.  First, the stats: I’m in my late 20s, currently living in Minnesota, days (hours!) away from receiving my graduate degree, and getting ready to move to Los Angeles.  I’m a Midwestern girl, born and raised, so California will be a whole new adventure.  While I’ll admit I’m not terribly fond of LA or Southern California, there are some people there I like very much–one in particular.  M and I have been dating for something like two years (depends on if you count from when we started dating or when we met), and it’s going to be wonderful to be in the same metropolitan area.  We’re going to be able to have dinner together and not have to plan it several months in advance!  πŸ™‚

Enough of the vanilla details.  I’ve been into spanking just about as long as I can remember.  The spines of many of my childhood books are creased at the parts where spanking occurs (M is always amazed when we come across books in stores and I can flip quickly to a spanking scene).  Fast foward 15 years to college, where I convinced my vanilla boyfriend to spank me as foreplay.  In retrospect I realize that he took to it like a duck to water, but I was always self-conscious and sure that I was the only one who got anything out of it.

After college I moved to Chicago where I discovered Crimson Moon and began to realize that my kink was not only normal, it was something to celebrate!  Yet I still had these nagging thoughts about discipline: I fantasized about it, wondered about it, craved it.  I entered into a wonderful relationship with Yoni and Tasha, who are now the owners of Bum Rap.  Yoni helped me start to understand my need for discipline and let me see that I could have it in an adult relationship and it didn’t make me less mature or adult–it’s just part of who I am.  (I still struggle with that sometimes; see below.)

And THEN I met M, which brings me to now.  How and where does discipline fit in my life at this point?  For one, I’m still discovering that it’s much different in a relationship than in my head.  And it’s very different in a long-distance relationship than in a regular, close-by one.  M and I are negotiating what it looks like for us.  He has been in the scene for a number of years but always swore he would only spank for pleasure.  As has been noted by some people, though, I could convert Gandhi into a disciplinarian. πŸ˜€   And M is adjusting to his role as top remarkably well. 

At the heart of it all for me is a need for security.  Parts of my growing up were really unstable and full of tension and I think I crave stability, security, and forgiveness.  When a spanking is over, it’s over.  I’ve been held accountable, punished, and forgiven.  There’s also the knowledge that someone is watching out for me, which means that my behavior and my Self matter to someone, that they care what I do and what happens to me. 

And there’s something else, something intangible that I can’t quite explain.  Every once in a while I need a big spanking "to clear out all the cobwebs," M says.  The daily stuff of life accumulates and I need to sweep it all out.  These are different from regular punishment spankings, which are for one specific issue (sometimes more), but they’re the same in terms of the effect they have on me.  I feel lighter, clearer, and very very loved.  It’s still one of the hardest things to admit to myself, that I need to be spanked.  If anyone else has thoughts on this, I’d welcome discussion. 

So that’s mostly about me.  My mushy, end-of-semester brain will probably think of more to add as soon as I post this, but I do want to get something up by way of introduction. 

Warm blessings!

Introducing Dyke Grrl

First, I’m thrilled, just thrilled that the women of the Punishment Book think I’m cool enough to join in.

Okay, so who am I? Well, hm. On my blog, I describe myself as a happily partnered lesbian/dyke spanko. This is true. I also describe myself as a grad student and aspiring housewife. These things are also true. Of course, there’s much more to it than that.

In terms of the Punishment Book, perhaps I should start by talking about the role that discipline plays in my life and relationship. This is a complicated subject. I’ve been a spanko for probably all of my life, and for virtually all of the time we’ve been together, W. (my partner) and I have used spankings for role-play and foreplay and, you know, play.

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Changes to the PB

Okay, this first bit is just something I wanted to mention in passing.  Even though you’re very quiet, we know there are a lot of you here and you come pretty often.  Confession?  There’s a stat counter here and so we know about 1200 of you a day land here.  And some of you stay for quite a while (more than two hours) and come back daily to check in on the happenings.  Go ahead, say something!  we know it seems like we just enjoy talking to ourselves, but we really would love to hear your point of view on whatever.  In my case at least, even if you think this is a bit (or a lot) freaky.  We’re veterans of usenet… you’ll have a hard time offending us, and even if you do we’ll probably still answer you.  Go on.  You don’t even need to put a real email address (noone@nowhere.org will work). 

So onto the changes.  Smallest first.  The links have been redone reflecting that more of us have scene-related sites and so do our partners.  So there’s now a section called "Our Other Sites."  We’ve added a link to Haron and Abel’s new blog, The Spanking Writers, and also one to sparkle’s husband’s site, Chris’ Firehouse.  It’s really cool to get our partners’ perspectives, sometimes on the same subject or scene being discussed here. 

Big change?  We’ve added two new (well, new to us) authors to the PB.  They’ll be posting their own introductions sometime in the next month or so (we’re not big on deadlines), but it’s fun to build the anticipation, right?  So here’s an introduction to their introductions!

Dyke Grrl, who some us know from our days on soc.sexuality.spanking, has had her own blog about spanking and life, Breathing In & Breathing Out.  If you want to know more about her, you can either go to her blog and read.  Or wait with breathless anticipation here. In any case, we’re delighted she wanted to join us!

In the interest of diversity and also because she’s witty and a great writer, we’ve added Iris Bloom who we don’t know from our (mostly) beloved newsgroup.  Iris first appeared here in our comments and it was only later that I (see I can almost never keep up the "we" voice for a whole post) realized I knew her partner from years ago adventures at some Shadow Lane parties.  Iris was the author of the BDSM survey (Mija’s answers are here) that seems to have become a small meme.  If you want to know more about Iris, well, she has no blog that I know of so you’re just going to have to wait until she shows herself.  I know I’m excited!

And so there you are.  Change is good.

Careless Girl

Have you noticed how many of my entries in the Punishment Book are about punishments for being careless?

Yes?  Well this one won’t be much of a surprise then.

I woke up this morning rather late (it was Saturday and we don’t have children).  During a rather sweet morning snuggle, Paul mentioned that it was a good thing he hadn’t gone to bed when I did and asked if I could guess why.  He usually doesn’t go at the same time as me as we’ve long known I need more sleep then he does or I get sick and out of sorts. 

Anyway, as much of what we’ve talked about in recent days has been related to his taking over technical moderation of our beloved soc.sexuality.spanking, my first guess was a late-night spam attack.  This is my moderation week and the spammers always seem to know when I’m sleeping.  But no.  It wasn’t that.

I wouldn’t have gotten in trouble about that.

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Why Would I Do It?

I’m cross-posting here an excerpt from an entry in my personal blog because it explains, in part, how I became interested in exploring the punishment.  I originally thought about expanding this into a longer treatise on why and how very, very different sensual/play spankings are from punishment for me, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. 

We got together with friends in the spanking scene [last] Saturday night. At one point, the discussion turned to why we all liked it – to how we got to where we are. Perhaps I’ve never said and perhaps I should later expand these thoughts into a more comprehensive essay, but I do crave structure and discipline and known consequences for misdeeds (all aside from my admittedly sluttish, erotic attraction to sensual spanking as a form of pleasure).

Here’s why:

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Waiting For My Punishment

The punishment I got the other day was marked by the longest wait I’ve
had to endure between finding out I was going to be punished and
finally getting it over with.

Do you know that in Tyrer v. the UK, the European Human Rights Court
case that screwed judicial birching of juveniles forever, the Court was
swayed, among other things, because the lad had to wait 3 days for his
birching? Yup, the Court thought things like that made a punishment
inhuman.* Well, I had to wait for 9 full days for my comeuppance, and
it nearly killed me.

It so happened that earlier this month Abel and I left home on the same
day to go in different directions: I was going to spend a couple of
weeks with my parents in Kiev, and he was doing his usual
flitting-about all business-like thing. He was coming home a week
before my return.

"I wonder," he said on the phone just after getting home, "is there a
good reason why the indicator on the gas boiler should be flashing red?"

I have a history with the gas boiler, documented for posterity, and
rather unpleasant. "Um," I said, feeling slightly ill. "It’s, um. I
think it might be out of credit."

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