FAQ Question 2: So How Can I Make My…

…[husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend / partner] decide to [discipline / spank / punish] me?

I’m not sure about the other women posting here, but I get emailed this question a lot.  We’ve gotten a couple people asking this recently either on this site or by email.  Haron answered it a bit here, writing:

…it’s impossible to give advice without knowing more about you, your
boyfriend, his preferences and your own. Is he even into spanking, or
is he doing it to humour you?

On the whole, it’s been my experience that the only way to "get"
somebody to do anything is to discuss it with them, endlessly and
painstakingly. To explain why it’s important to you, and how it would
make you happier, and what attracts you about it. I’m not in favour of
pestering, but unless you communicate your desires clearly, he won’t
start punishing you out of the blue.

If you *have* talked about it, and he still won’t do it – well. It’s a different story.

This is a great answer to this question.  I’m going to write a bit more because, well, why not?

This is a tough subject and one I have a lot of sympathy for.  My first marriage was to a vanilla spouse who found my desire to be spanked (I never even got to the point of trying to explain my thing for punishment) appalling and wanted nothing to do with it, not even to accommodate me.  (This was reflected in some other parts of our marriage too, now that I think about it). 

But really, first on the issue of spanking, not everyone finds the idea of spanking (or being spanked for that matter) attractive on any level.  If someone is partnered with another person who feels that way, there’s not a lot that can be done.  There are examples out there of successful "vanilla to kink" conversions.  If you want more information on that, I recommend starting with reading the section on spanking play from the soc.sexuality.spanking FAQ.  It’s got some good general advice.  If your partner isn’t already into spanking you (or something), the chance that they’re going to leap into discipline or punishment is quite remote.  No matter what, a good discipline relationship isn’t something that’s going to happen by your being bratty and provocative.  Annoying someone into topping isn’t a good idea, at least in my experience.  Not because they might spank too hard, but rather because they can come to associate spanking with being irritated, not really an association that’s good when you’re trying to help someone getting into spanking you.

Now, that said, not everyone who’s into spanking their partner wants to discipline them.  In fact, most of my spanking friends find my being punished "for real" for "real life things" hard to understand.  For them, spanking isn’t about discipline.  Either they see the idea of real-life punishments for real-life transgressions as really quite edgy (and sometimes disturbing) or they spend a lot of time and energy discussing and explaining why the discipline / punishment in our relationships isn’t "really" discipline or punishment.  At least not as they see them.  These discussions were / are so common when this topic came up on our common newsgroup that it was part of what prompted our collective desire to have this space to talk about our respective relationships.

There’s no short cut for the communication on this.  It needs to be detailed and honest.  Why?  Because the giving and accepting of this sort of power between two people shouldn’t (at least in my opinion) be taken lightly.  There’s a lot of trust — not just trust that the person spanking won’t be unfair or do injury, but that they really want to do it at all.  This is one of the hardest issues for me.  I tend to shy away from responsibility (stop coughing at the understatement here please!).  While  I’d be willing to try and hold someone I loved accountable if they wanted me to, it would be hard and not something  I’d take pleasure in (though thinking about it, I can imagine enjoying the idea of their trusting me like that).  It’s hard sometimes to know that in looking after me, my partner has taken on a responsibility.  I worry there’s nothing in it for them and want to make sure they always know they can back out.

Likewise, I’ve seen times when this doesn’t work, or when it only works as a fantasy but is bad for one or both people in reality.  Again, something that needs lots of communication.  Discipline / punishment for real life stuff is probably also not something to be brought into a relationship that’s on the rocks (IMO anyway).  That level of communication, in my experience, is hard enough when things are good, you know?

The overdone story of the wife/girlfriend (it’s almost always women in these stories) overcharging on credit cards or making a fool of herself with drink at a party and thus prompting her partner to understand that she needs to be firmly "taken in hand" may be a great fantasy.  But it isn’t a real life solution. 

Probably not the answer people were hoping for, but the only one I can give. 

Maybe there’s some other perspectives though?

12 thoughts on “FAQ Question 2: So How Can I Make My…

  1. Haron

    Well said, Mija!
    If I could just underline the point: it’s Extremely Stupid to try and annoy your SO into spanking you.
    Best case: you end up with a pissed off SO who can’t figure out why you’re being difficult – yet still doesn’t spank you.
    Worst case: your SO strikes out without having had any indication that you might welcome it, and you find out you live with an abusive person.

  2. Iris

    Well said, both of you!
    I’ll take another tack to underscore the importance of communication. Let’s assume you have an understanding partner who is game for anything and happy to facilitate your need for spanking. To incorporate spanking into a relationship at all, you have to decide
    1.) Who wants to be spanked
    2.) How often
    3.) With which implements (if any)
    4.) How hard and how long
    5.) How it relates to sex.
    And both parties might have very different ideas about those topics, most of which should at least be brought up before leaping over anyone’s lap.
    But if you’re talking about *punishment*, well, that’s a whole addendum to the first list. In addition to those five things (yes, including sex), you’d have to talk about
    1.) What things you BOTH think you can be punished for*
    2.) How frequently punishments can occur
    3.) What modes of punishment are acceptable (corner, lines, grounding, etc)
    4.) What to do about bruises
    5.) What if it’s not working for one of you
    6.) Other things I can’t think of this early in the morning
    *This is harder than you’d think. First, you have to come up with a list. As much fun as it sounds in fantasies, I can’t truly hand over the keys of my life to M–he has his own life to lead. So having a list limits your punishable offenses, but also makes it crystal clear to everyone. And both of you have the chance to say, “I don’t want to spank/be spanked for that.”
    I’m a proponent of communication ad nauseum–well, ok, not to the point where you’re both sick of it. But at least to the point where all of these details are clear. And where the lines of communication are open enough for either person (or persons, if there’s more than one) to stop the deal and ask questions or modify the agreement.
    Even though I met M at a spanking party, at that point he was still firmly convinced that he could never spank a woman for anything other than pleasure. We talked about it extensively, though, and he agreed to try it on a limited basis. Basically, for one issue only. The first few times he spanked me, it wasn’t hard enough or long enough. But I knew that he was still getting used to my tolerance and used to the idea of disciplining me for real. I was surprised at how quickly he caught on, though. (There are certain persons out there who have noted that I could make Gandhi into a disciplinarian. But that’s *their* opinion.) And now–WELL! He’s starting a collection of hairbrushes (!!!). Says that whenever we get a house together, we’ll need one for every room. Hmph! 😉
    So it turned out well for me, but I realize that we got to this point through a bunch of compromise and communication. Which is where I began this post, so I can step off the soap box now and sheepishly hand it back to Mija.

  3. Domino

    It’s an interesting subject, and one that I’m sure many of us have experienced personally.
    Like you I am convinced that communication is the key to any possible success, but one aspect which I think you haven’t touched on is the ‘how’ of that communication.
    In my experience, having spoken to various folk who wanted/needed to communicate to vanilla partners, it seems to me that having bottled up all these feelings of desire, shame, longing for the kink for so long that once the kinkster starts talking it all comes out as one huge intense outpouring, and the vanilla partner is hugely overwhelmed and bewildered and more likely to react negatively because of that.
    I think a large part of getting over the first hurdleis by testing the water as gently as possible, in a light-hearted way. There are lots of ways that this can be done- either as a throwaway remark when the subject comes up on television, or similar, so that the vanilla doesn’t feel threatened – time enough to get onto the heavier topics of punishment etc once he is more comfortable with the idea.
    interesting topic mija – thanks

  4. Mija

    Great points!
    Haron, thanks for making the point about manipulation and abuse.
    And Iris, I really like those point lists, especially this one: “As much fun as it sounds in fantasies, I can’t truly hand over the keys of my life to M–he has his own life to lead.” This was sooo something that was really tough to come to terms with — well, that and the idea that there would be things that Pab didn’t feel comfortable punishing me for.
    Domino, your comment about this topic not really addressing the issue of how to talk to a vanilla partner about the kink is really true. Part of the reason I didn’t go into any detail on this (other then to send anyone with a need to talk to their partner about spanking) is it’s a topic I don’t feel very confident writing about. My own experience with my (ex) vanilla husband was a dismal failure; he was horrified almost (but sadly not QUITE) beyond words and the conversation that came out of my tentitive admission is among the most painful memories of my life.
    I’ve seen discussion on this go both ways. On the one hand I think you’re probably right about the idea of keeping it light being the way to go. On the other hand, by keeping it light hearted, the degree of importance someone feels about the kink may not be conveyed to their partner and the other person might respond with a level of joking that could be quite hurtful and that they wouldn’t have done if they’re realized that this was a heartfelt desire. I’m not sure what I’d advise other than to look for people who’ve had success in converting a vanilla partner.
    The point I was trying to make is that expecting a relationship with a vanilla to move to a disciplinary one in an easy step and without a lot of honest communication is (imo) unrealistic. If the relationship is already in trouble it seems like an even more impossible idea. Then again, I’m sure my negative vanillia experience colors my own feelings.
    Granted, most of the people I know who are into spanking are people I’ve met via the scene (either online or real life). But even so, I don’t think it’s an accident that I’ve yet to meet anyone who’s in a disciplinary sort of relationship where the person doing the disciplining wasn’t into spanking before the RL discipline part of the relationship started.
    Now that I’ve written that, I’m sure I’ll hear from someone. Which would be really quite cool… hope you’ll put your story up. 🙂

  5. Dyke Grrl

    Well, Mija’s last comment inspired me to respond. My partner and I have been tentatively exploring some disciplinary spankings (and, ugh, other forms of discipline like bedtimes and structure).
    She was not into spanking before meeting me, and it’s been a lot of discussion and compromise (and having to recognize that we can’t read each other’s minds, although she periodically really surprises me by knowing what I need before I do!).
    So, yes, it is possible with lots of honesty and communication to have an originally non-spanking partner get “into” spanking.
    How did we do it? I started very early in our relationship, back when I had nothing to lose, and just dove in and discussed it. Since then, we’ve discussed a lot. I started with non-“serious” spanking, but began to talk about the disciplinary thing three years or more into our relationship. It’s been a good kind of challenge, and it’s helped a lot, I think (although for non-spanking-related reasons, the disciplinary side is kind of on hold at the moment, sort of).
    I definitely agree that even in a disciplinary relationship, you’re not handing over control of your life and your behavior to the other person. You are still the one who has to take primary and final responsibility for your behavior. So it’s definitely not going to solve your problems, because you’ve still got to do the work of changing whichever behavior you were hoping to change with the punishments.
    That said, I’ve found it very useful to just be honest, and (gasp!) tell my partner about what I need, and how it will help me. She’s a wonderful, loving person, and she’s been willing to try things that will help me. It’s a mutual support thing, and we’ve both been clear about working to get *both* of our needs met in the relationship. One thing I’ve learned is that it’s very emotionally draining for W. to do the disciplinary or cathartic spankings, so I try to make sure that she’s getting “refueled” at other points in our lives, and that I give back some of that emotional energy to her. Another thing I’ve learned is that this other person, even if she started out as a blank slate so far as spanking goes (she didn’t really, but it can seem that way), has her own ideas about what will happen and what I need.
    As for bratting to get a spanking. Well… mostly, W. won’t spank me for bratting, because she doesn’t want to encourage me to be a brat, and if I like spankings, that would be a reward. That said, she’s run out of patience a couple of times, and delivered a few smacks. Ouch! What I hadn’t reckoned with is this: a punishment spanking is meant to *discourage* the offending behavior. They’re painful and not fun at ALL! If I want a “naughty girl” spanking that I will *enjoy*, it works far, far better to ask for it with my words than to be a brat.
    Thanks for this post (and for many others I’ve read but not commented on!).

  6. Iris

    One other thing I’ve been thinking about in reading this discussion is this thing about “converting” vanilla partners. Obviously it does happen–I even did some converting to a boyfriend in college. (Wait. I don’t know if that makes sense. *I* converted *him*. There.) But there are some people, like Mija’s ex-husband, who aren’t into spanking and are stubbornly non-ocnvertable. And what happens in that case?
    I think one important question to ask yourself BEFORE engaging another person (especially a vanilla) in conversation is this: How important is this to me? Another: What will happen if this person is unwilling to try this with/for me? I’ve realized over the years that this is one of my non-negotiable things. I have to have an outlet for my spanking needs. Fortunately I don’t have to choose between my partner and spanking, but lots of people have had to make that choice. I suppose it’s really a matter of prioritizing, of figuring out how important spanking is to your core person. For me, obviously, the answer is “VERY important.” Not so for others.
    Anyway, there are two more cents to toss in. Great topic!

  7. Megs

    Er, hi again. I just wanted to comment on “non-convertable” partners… I think its more than just a question of how important you kink is to you… There are different levels of non-convertable. If your partner is like some I’ve known (not through personal experience thankfully) or like Mija’s sounds like he was, then there’s also a question of acceptance. A partner can be thouroughly not into spanking/other kinks, but still accept you for who you are; they may even know they aren’t into it because they tried it to humor you. THEN the question is how important is your kink to you. Unfortunately with the type of partner I mentioned, sometimes there is NO acceptance, not only are they “not into it” they judge you for having those desires and think your sick. If that’s the case, get out. A person like that is not someone to have a relationship with, even if you are willing to give up your kink.

  8. Margo

    Right…it is possible to convert vanilla to kink. My Master is a great example — but just remember that although you may want to convert your SO into a Spanker, she or he may discover their own preference for, let’s say, bondage and humiliation of another sort. It’s a pandora’s box, this kink thing is and you’ll want to take it slow, i think and see what rears it’s head from the box! As i indicated in another post somewhere on this site, while i insisted and insisted that if Master wanted me to marry him that he would have to figure out how to tame me and give me what i needed in terms of domination, i never really considered spanking/whipping as a major part of the lifestyle i was dreaming about; but, when Master decided, after giving me a few good whacks, that it reaaaaaaally is something that he adores, then i got my bondage and he got his chance to assert Himself and whip me to his heart’s content! I knew he had found something he liked because after a trip, he came home with a whip that he had actually spent time making himself. It was rustic and very very painful. Now he has another whip that he uses most of the time and only threatens to use the handmade rustic one when i have been a particularly bad girl.
    If Master had decided that we wanted to put needles in my breasts or something like that, it would have never worked out! That’s why talking and negotiating is so important.
    But i can see Master’s kink still developing…He mentioned something to me just yesterday, about a riding me around the house — uh oh…pony girl in the making? See? That’s another thing i never ever considered — but, hey, i can give it a try! I think the idea is that as i’m being ridden, i’m being whipped on my hind quarters!

  9. Brenda

    I’m in the process of encouraging my partner to discipline me for things he wants to discourage me from doing.After reading those examples I’m keen to get my own punishment book started.
    In my naughty spanking and canings i always like to fantasise that i deserve it for some wrong doing and i get realy hot and practically beg for sex afterwards.This however will not lead to sex and i realy will have done something bad to merit it .I only hope i can get what i want out of this .If my partner is not tuned into this it will spoil the whole thing for me.I,ll keep you posted.

  10. Brenda

    You know the old saying better watch what you wish for you just might get it.Well i’m getting it and then some as my partner has taken to his role with a vengence.The other night just because i would not turn the tv over when he told me to he got up and took me by the arm to the door and pointed to my room for me to go and wait for him there.After fifteen minutes he came in and told me to take my panties down as i was in need of reminding who the master was .
    I promptly assumed the position expecting a few token spanks but to my shock i saw him take off his belt and prepare to administer a stern reminder.As you know i have asked him to punish me when i am naughty and knew i would have to show no resistance to his methods of disciplining me which i have been asking him to undertake.So dutifully i bent over bare bottomed to take without complaint whatever he decided i deserved.After a dozen or more smacks with the belt my rear was blazing and jumping up i begged to be able to rub my bottom .I hoped he would take the hint and and give me the are you sorry speech because i can tell you he had a glint in his eyes that told me he had a point to make that i knew was going to hurt me much more than it did him but to no avail,”Do you think that you have learned to be obedient” he asked .I of course said” yes master”.
    “Shall we test you ” he asked .I knew i was not to answer.”Strip everything off .” he said now unsmiling.I quickly did for i knew he had a point to prove.Going to the wardrobe he brought out the cane and gave it a few experimental whips to acquaint himself with its feel.”over”he told me in a stern voice and i assumed the position bent over the pillows legs spread wide .I had not long to wait to feel the bite of a severe canning.Jumping up reflexively to each stripe delivered and helped back into the correct position with calm insistence before been given my next taste of the rod, i felt i let myself down as i said out loud how sorry i was again and again hoping to sway his resolve .Once i had endured at least a dozen and had been brought to tears it was decided that indeed i had learned obedience. He then told me to go into the living room and place myself over the footstool facing the wall , where upon he sat and watched his program for about an hour.I”ll tell you , knowing how i must have looked to him bottom well seen to, striped and twitching ,stinging red and beginning to bruise meekly waiting to be released from my punishment by him was very erotic.I can only say that later he rewarded my obedience thoroughly and i showed him my thanks for his endeavours to better me…..
    I”ll keep you posted.

  11. robeach

    In our case the moment of truth was late evening in front of a fireplace. She told the tale of a boyfriend who spanked her on weekends. I asked what it was like and she said, “Go upstairs and bring me your belt.” “Take off your jeans and get on all fours.” After pulling down my shorts, he used the belt until I was rock hard.” She said, “Use it on me.” An hour later I was upstair with head on bed, presenting my rear to her again. Today, I am typically spanking her.

  12. Saxon

    Hi Haron
    I have just been reading:-
    FAQ Question 2: So How Can I Make My…
    …[husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend / partner] decide to [discipline / spank / punish] me?
    …oh dear…how i wish i could come to the rescue of all of those dear bottoms that yearn for a man to look after some of their needs…I spank my dear wife occasionally (she does not need it, but complies purely for my pleasure, and has done for many years) but would like to share and explore the thoughts and longings of a lady who needs understanding…
    Please pass on my e-mail if you know of someone who would be happy to reveal…
    she must be genuine and as discreet as i am…
    I have only recently found the Spankos Blogs…so gald I did…Thank You All….Saxon


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