…[husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend / partner] decide to [discipline / spank / punish] me?
I’m not sure about the other women posting here, but I get emailed this question a lot. We’ve gotten a couple people asking this recently either on this site or by email. Haron answered it a bit here, writing:
…it’s impossible to give advice without knowing more about you, your
boyfriend, his preferences and your own. Is he even into spanking, or
is he doing it to humour you?
On the whole, it’s been my experience that the only way to "get"
somebody to do anything is to discuss it with them, endlessly and
painstakingly. To explain why it’s important to you, and how it would
make you happier, and what attracts you about it. I’m not in favour of
pestering, but unless you communicate your desires clearly, he won’t
start punishing you out of the blue.
If you *have* talked about it, and he still won’t do it – well. It’s a different story.
This is a great answer to this question. I’m going to write a bit more because, well, why not?
This is a tough subject and one I have a lot of sympathy for. My first marriage was to a vanilla spouse who found my desire to be spanked (I never even got to the point of trying to explain my thing for punishment) appalling and wanted nothing to do with it, not even to accommodate me. (This was reflected in some other parts of our marriage too, now that I think about it).
But really, first on the issue of spanking, not everyone finds the idea of spanking (or being spanked for that matter) attractive on any level. If someone is partnered with another person who feels that way, there’s not a lot that can be done. There are examples out there of successful "vanilla to kink" conversions. If you want more information on that, I recommend starting with reading the section on spanking play from the soc.sexuality.spanking FAQ. It’s got some good general advice. If your partner isn’t already into spanking you (or something), the chance that they’re going to leap into discipline or punishment is quite remote. No matter what, a good discipline relationship isn’t something that’s going to happen by your being bratty and provocative. Annoying someone into topping isn’t a good idea, at least in my experience. Not because they might spank too hard, but rather because they can come to associate spanking with being irritated, not really an association that’s good when you’re trying to help someone getting into spanking you.
Now, that said, not everyone who’s into spanking their partner wants to discipline them. In fact, most of my spanking friends find my being punished "for real" for "real life things" hard to understand. For them, spanking isn’t about discipline. Either they see the idea of real-life punishments for real-life transgressions as really quite edgy (and sometimes disturbing) or they spend a lot of time and energy discussing and explaining why the discipline / punishment in our relationships isn’t "really" discipline or punishment. At least not as they see them. These discussions were / are so common when this topic came up on our common newsgroup that it was part of what prompted our collective desire to have this space to talk about our respective relationships.
There’s no short cut for the communication on this. It needs to be detailed and honest. Why? Because the giving and accepting of this sort of power between two people shouldn’t (at least in my opinion) be taken lightly. There’s a lot of trust — not just trust that the person spanking won’t be unfair or do injury, but that they really want to do it at all. This is one of the hardest issues for me. I tend to shy away from responsibility (stop coughing at the understatement here please!). While I’d be willing to try and hold someone I loved accountable if they wanted me to, it would be hard and not something I’d take pleasure in (though thinking about it, I can imagine enjoying the idea of their trusting me like that). It’s hard sometimes to know that in looking after me, my partner has taken on a responsibility. I worry there’s nothing in it for them and want to make sure they always know they can back out.
Likewise, I’ve seen times when this doesn’t work, or when it only works as a fantasy but is bad for one or both people in reality. Again, something that needs lots of communication. Discipline / punishment for real life stuff is probably also not something to be brought into a relationship that’s on the rocks (IMO anyway). That level of communication, in my experience, is hard enough when things are good, you know?
The overdone story of the wife/girlfriend (it’s almost always women in these stories) overcharging on credit cards or making a fool of herself with drink at a party and thus prompting her partner to understand that she needs to be firmly "taken in hand" may be a great fantasy. But it isn’t a real life solution.
Probably not the answer people were hoping for, but the only one I can give.
Maybe there’s some other perspectives though?