My Notebook

The last couple of months have been weird as far as discipline goes. I’ve been spanked here and there, sporadically, for various things. But, there hasn’t been much consistency and that’s due to a LOT of different things — illnesses, vacations, frustration.  What usually happens with me didn’t fail to happen this time. I got completely out of control, sank into a depression, and felt like the only way to get out of this was to start enforcing some structure and discipline. Fortunately, I have a man who agrees.

We talked at great length about how to start a more structured discipline routine. We read quite a few blogs of people "like us" and got some ideas. Since we are in seperate abodes right now, and both of us are busy and tired throughout the week, we decided that I would keep a notebook where I would write down what I should be punished for, and we’d have a standing once-a-week appointment where those things would be talked about, and dealt with. This doesn’t mean that I’m exempt from being punished any other day of the week, but I can be SURE that I will be punished, if I’ve earned it, on one of the weekend days each week.

This knowledge has made me feel much more secure, but has had little effect on my behavior so far. Last Friday evening was our first "meeting" and I had several things to answer for. I got a hand spanking, and some paddlings with different implements. The punishment fit the crimes and there were promises to be good, blah blah blah. But, here’s the thing: it’s now Thursday and I don’t think I’ve kept a single promise. And it’s STUPID stuff — stuff I can seriously do and I have no business NOT doing. Drinking my water, taking my pill, sticking to my budget and going to the gym four times a week. I’ve done a shitty job with every single one of those things (well, except for my budget — I got some birthday money so I haven’t used any of my money in the bank to have fast food MANY FRIGGIN’ TIMES THIS WEEK).

So, now I’m in for it. And I’m pissed about it. I left my notebook at Dave’s last week after my spanking, so I haven’t been writing in it, but it’s not like I’ll have to think very hard about what should be in it. Haven’t had 60 ounces of water per day any day since my last spanking. Haven’t even BEEN to the gym any day. Haven’t taken my pill. Nope, not even ONE time. I’m somewhat disgusted with myself … and yet I know that when it comes down to it I’ll be bargaining and crying and trying to get out of what I know is coming. *sigh*  Wish me luck?

9 thoughts on “My Notebook

  1. Mija

    This made me think of a couple of things. First, I’d been wondering if we should offer a “Punishment Book” journal for sale here (the sort of thing that Cafe Press does). It would be sort of a fund raiser to pay for the typepad account, but mostly just because I’d like to have one.
    Then again, I’ve got a TOTAL fetish for blank notebooks. It goes with my larger office supply problem.
    The second one is to feel really happy for you Angie. I wonder though (and this is totally based on mine and Pablo’s experience and my reaction to it) if maybe some of the resistance problem you’re having of not doing what you said you would is due to testing and trying to a bunch of things at once.
    I ask because it’s a problem we’ve had. I both didn’t trust Pab to follow through (and would sometimes manage to exhaust him until he couldn’t/didn’t), and also would feel a bit overwhelmed by everything I was supposed to do and end up not doing anything at all.
    What we’ve found works best is to do one thing… and when a few weeks have gone by and that routine seems to be pretty settled for me, adding something else. I don’t get so overwhelmed that way, and Pab gets to see some improvement which keeps him from feeling discouraged.
    Our day, when we’ve had one, is Sunday. It also helped that I got spanked that day whether the week had gone well or badly. It’s just if it had gone well we got to have a fun play scene. Sometimes even roleplay, which I never get to do often enough.
    Anyway, just some thoughts on reading your post. 🙂

  2. Angie

    A Punishment Book notebook would be a cute idea. Hope Tony hasn’t gotten a trademark on the name by now. LOL
    The thing is, we’re really not doing that much — water, pills (now including my vitamin), and no using my bank card for fast food. Basically, that’s all there is unless there’s something else that I write down because I feel it needs to be addressed, or something that he has me write down. And the gym thing … that’s kind of up in the air right now because the promise that was made to go 4 times was to LA David who loaned me the money to get the membership — and the agreement with him was that if he was going to do this then failure to keep my end of this bargain would result in some kind of negative action. We just haven’t discussed what or how that would be yet. So, my Dave addresses it and talks to me about it, but in a way we’re almost deferring to LA David to decide what else should come of it. (It makes sense to us. Really.)
    So, I shouldn’t be overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to write down — they’re just aren’t that many to work on and they’re simple things I should be doing for my health. And they fall under the general rule of “Do what you know is right.” Am I testing? Probably. But that’s really not something I want to admit on the day I’m supposed to go pay the piper. I swear I don’t MEAN to test … but it at least explains why I’ve been so out of control.
    And, yes, I know that I’m going to get spanked on either Saturday or Sunday every week — but if I’ve been perfect then it can be something fun. It’s our time to check in with each other, reconnect, re-establish our roles, etc so a lack of naughtiness on my part can mean something to actually look forward to instead of this stone of dread currently residing in my stomach.
    If we have another bad week or two then I think we’ll try switching to the one thing at a time plan that’s worked for you guys. You and I seem to be similarly wired in this regard and on more than one occassion I’ve said, “Well, Pablo and Mija have done _____ in the past. Maybe we could try that?” Especially with this rather HUGE switch in the way I’m eating, (which lasted ONE DAY last week. Grrrrr.) trying to focus on being good in too many ways may prove to be counter-productive.

  3. Dave

    Dave here. I don’t think we have too many things to work on all at once. As Angie stated the list is not all that long-and they are all important things to change in her life. It would tough to choose just one to focus on.
    If we can’t get any substantive improvement over the next couple weeks, then I think it’ll be time to narrow it down. It certainly does seem to work for Pablo and Mia.
    This week was a wash out, but we had a productive session yesterday (at least in my perspective). I’ll leave it up to Angie if she wants to post details on that. Part of the problem is that I have been travelling a lot on business lately. Living at different residences already makes the consistency a tough thing, and the trips haven’t helped. After this week, I not shouldn’t be an issue and hopefully we can pay more attention to the issues at hand.
    I’m not ready to give up on the whole list, hopefully Angie’s butt is ready to try again for another week 😉

  4. Haron

    Aw, poor wee Angie. 🙂 Punishment lists are a great idea in theory, but you do end up paying for everything at once when you actually get around to ticking items off the list. If every punishment fits the crime, you’d end up flayed! Plus, as you’ve found, when punishment isn’t immediate, it’s too easy to fall into the “heck, it won’t be *that* bad, will it” way of thinking.
    It so happens that Abel and I have to resort to a punishment list right now, too, because I can’t be spanked too much due to a bottom injury (don’t ask). Abel has threatened to put a piece of paper on the fridge, and write my crimes on it for everybody to see. (Good job nobody vanilla comes into the house anyway, eh?) Luckily, I’ve been so disgustingly good that the list hasn’t even gone up yet.
    Mija: I *love* the idea of offering a punishment notebook for sale! You should totally go for it. What if it’s something somebody had been wanting all their adult life? You never know LOL

  5. Angie

    It’s working!! Saturday, Sunday and today I’ve had all of my water, and taken both my pill and my vitamin. This is a big step for me. I’m not quite well enough to head to the gym (dealing with my 3rd round of bronchitis this season), but I’m well on my way. 🙂
    There was some really nice, hard play Saturday several hours after my punishment. I now have some delightful bruises that I look at whenever I get the chance. And even though the bruises come from fun stuff, somehow knowing they’re there has helped me stay good — because I don’t want any non-fun bruises anytime soon!

  6. sparkle

    I wanted to actually look at CafePress before I put in my vote – which is, of course, an “absolutely!” Of course, I use notebooks for writing that goes significantly beyond confessions. I’d rather buy one (wire-bound) to support PB than Borders anyway.
    In fact, you’d better do it soon, Mija, I’ve only got about 30 blank pages left.
    (Oh, and Angie, I hope you’re doing well this week.)

  7. domino

    Angie – you might find it easier to keep to your rules if you had more sturcture to them – eg – re the 60 oz of water – if you are required to measure it out into a container first thing in the morning then every time you take a drink then you can see how good (or otherwise) you’re being.
    There are always little ‘games’ that can help.
    and Haron – I think we all need to know how you acquired your bottom injury!!!

  8. Jen

    I so know how you feel. Back when Greg and I were doing the rules thing, I would get into moods where I thought I could just not do what I was supposed to, no matter how often I got in trouble for it. It was worse with us, because I live in Michigan and Greg lives in NY! We came up with the punishment book idea, and the broken rules were dealt with the one or two times a year that we saw each other. We used to do phone spankings, but after he spanked me the first time, we realized just how wimpy my arm is. LOL I would get depressed and out of control too, in between the times that we saw each other, and it was always so difficult for him to get me back to where I needed to be. Long distance D/s just didn’t work for us in the long run, so we ended up giving it up, but I’m a lot better at controlling myself these days anyway. That’s not to say there won’t be things he decides need to be addressed when we see each other in April though. He says the D/s stuff works just fine when we’re in the same place. : )


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