Something to write about

I’ve been MIA for awhile now. I’m sorry about that, and I sort of feel like I should be punished for it. Why? Well, because my lack of participation hasn’t been an "I’m just so busy" kind of thing, it’s been a "I suck and shouldn’t even attempt to write" sort of thing. More on that another day.

The main thing I wanted to write about is this decision-making process I’m in right now regarding discipline. See, Dave spanks me for real life stuff — we’ve established that in the past. But, I’m trying to lose weight right now and I’m actually going to Weight Watchers meetings, and I’ve been feeling like some help in that area might be a good thing …

We’ve tried discipline for weight loss issues in the past, and sometimes it works but sometimes it just ends up making me feel bad. When he spanks me for not staying On Program (or "OP"), as we say in WW Online, then I tend to take it as a rejection of my physical appearance, and therefore a rejection of me sexually.  I know what a stretch this is — how I really have to imagine quite a bit to see my boyfriend spanking me for not eating my five fruits and vegetables as a statement of his waning attraction for me — but it’s a dark place I go to and it’s caused some arguments.

So, we’d discussed the idea of my finding a disciplinarian who would *only* deal with me on the weight loss issues. It wouldn’t be a sexual relationship in anyway, therefore I’d be less inclined to feel rejected, right?  I put an ad on and waited for response — making it clear I was looking for discipline only. I got a serious response from one person and we’ve corresponded a bit … but something about this whole thing doesn’t feel RIGHT.  I spoke to "LA David," as he’s been known in some of my personal blog posts, and expected he would say, "Go for it." Instead, he put my own fears in words. He said something to the effect of "What effect will it have on your relationship if you’re giving that precious gift of submission for real discipline about very real issues to some other guy? Dave says he doesn’t mind — but what will it do to YOU?"

I really believe that answering to someone for making bad choices in what goes in my mouth, or how often I exercise, is a GOOD thing. I really believe it will help me — if that person is loving, consistent, fair and willing to punish me over and over for the same damn thing until I get it RIGHT. And the truth is, I really want that person to be Dave. I REALLY want the love of my life to help me in this process of shedding this coccoon I’ve lived in for almost the last decade. It’s about my health, and my future, and how I feel about myself in every different area of my life  — this weight effects EVERYTHING I do. And shouldn’t it be Dave who is given the trust to help me with this? After almost 2 years together, shouldn’t *I* trust that he loves me and wants the best for me — and punishing me for going over on my points, not drinking my water, not following the guidelines, etc isn’t a rejection of my body but his attempt to guide me to do what we both know I want to do, need to do, and CAN do?

I mentioned to the PB ladies in an email that whenver something is hard I tend to give up. I could cry just admitting that statement, but I’m 28 years old and I need to admit it, own up to it  and change it. Maybe I was giving up on Dave in this area because it became hard — and I chose to reject his help instead of accepting the chastening because it touched on some core issues, some exposed nerves, and facing them was more difficult than I wanted.

So, if anyone has any thoughts or feedback, please feel free to say anything. I think I know what I’m going to do, but some thoughts from anyone else on the subject would be appreciated.

7 thoughts on “Something to write about

  1. Mija

    Welcome back! 🙂 I’m so glad to see you posting again!
    My first thought is DON’T SUGGEST ANYTHING TO DO WITH SOAP! :b
    P and I did some stuff connected with me and WW points once upon a time. Basically it was a number of whacks (7 I think) with a much hated impliment for every point I went over each day. It was pretty effective and stopped only when we were unexpectedly long distance again.
    We got around my insecurity about my body because it was really me who wanted to lose weight — P didn’t care but he wanted me to keep promises made to myself and he was trouble by the fact I didn’t believe in myself on this issue anymore. As it was, I tend to be quite thoughtless at times and would go over points and then not realize it until later. It did make me mindful.
    Anyway, those are my thoughts based on your entry. 🙂 Glad to see you back around.

  2. Angie

    Being thoughtless and going over your points without realizing it? *gasp* Uh … that sounds exactly like something I would do.
    Soap has already been mentioned — thanks to you! He read your Ivory Posts (Like towers, only shorter? I crack me up!) and I fear it’s put ideas into his head. There’s been soap usage for well over a year … I don’t think he realizes how effective it really is with me. See, I won’t lie and say I’m just big-boned or it runs in the family … I just REALLY LOVE the taste of food. The taste of soap, however, is not a favorite of mine.

  3. Natty

    I’m really glad you posted about this, Angie, as well as giving us the pleasure of reading your thoughts again! 🙂
    I think it’s something that comes up for a lot of women (and some guys as well) and find it to be an extremely complicated issue. So, let me just start with this disclaimer that my experience is just that: *my* experience and may not resonate at all for you or anyone else reading this.
    Like Mija, sugar (and a lot of other things) are not healthy for me, and it can be hard for me not to eat them. But because I was a fat kid from whom food was often withheld in futile attempts at weight loss, I’ve developed a very complicated relationship with food. Now as an adult, I often find that I eat “bad” foods in an effort to feel some sort of control. That I can do this and no one can stop me. While it doesn’t necessarily rise to the level of a true clinical eating disorder, it’s still not particularly healthy. And, of course, after eating whatever it is that I shouldn’t have, I’ll feel very guilty and well, not very “in control.” My first thought at those moments is that I totally want a spanking.
    However, after a lot of pondering, I decided not to incorporate this into my spanking life. Like you, Angie, I knew that I would feel rejection of my physical appearance, particularly as this was the motivation for my mother, grandmother, and stepfather punishing me as a child for eating sweets. As much as I’m an adult with the ability to think logically and rationally — and as such know that A. loves my body regardless — I know that those feelings are so deeply ingrained in me it would be impossible for that rational, logical part of me to overcome them.
    I also knew that because I still associate the withholding of food with my childhood, and still feel resentful about it, I would more than likely continue to feel resentment about any current punishments associated with food, and that would not be healthy for my relationship with A.
    So, ultimately I’ve realized that this was something I’ve needed to work out on my own (and, to some extent, with a therapist). But it’s hard because there’s that part of me that finds it very difficult to deal with on my own. That I would see results on this a lot faster if spanking was part of the deal. However, while spanking would work for me in the short term, in the long term it would probably cause more problems.
    The recent pain I’ve had from interstitial cystitis has soooo taken care of my chocolate cravings, so that’s reduced my “bad food” intake quite a bit right. Anything acidic hurts my bladder far more than any spanking ever could. Though, that soap thing sounds almost as unpleasant! Food that causes pain quickly – acidic foods, lactose, soy – I have to say don’t present too many problems. Well, every now and then lactose (i.e. pudding, ice cream) does, but I sorta know I’m going to hurt and just consider it part of the cost. 😉 But oatmeal cookies or caramel candy? That’s another story. That takes longer to feel the effects of, and therefore the deterrent isn’t as strong.
    Now, obviously you probably don’t have this same sordid history when it comes to food. But I do think a better way to approach the issue is to focus on being healthy rather than weight loss (and despite what our culture says, they are not synonymous). I always cringe when I see people do things like “I get spanked if I don’t lose x number of pounds each week” because the human body just doesn’t work that way. While there may indeed be health benefits associated with weight loss, the ultimate benefit is *being healthy* not being thin. If using WW is a good way to help you change unhealthy eating habits and be more mindful of what and how much you’re eating, then use that. But if it’s just about losing weight, then you might spend some time considering whether spanking is going to be an effective tool because ultimately it can’t address those “core issues” or “exposed nerves” and neither will losing weight, despite how appealing it might be.
    Note, however, that I struggle a GREAT deal with that last sentence. My rational, logical self accepts it, but the affective part of me still wants a body that will fit into some decent clothes.
    Again, I’m really glad you posted about this. Gave me a chance to write down stuff floating around in my head that may or may not be relevant. Sorry if it’s been complete babble. 🙂

  4. Angie

    Natty – Everything you posted has been *extremely* helpful and relavent. Weight loss is the goal for me, right now – not just being more healthy — because some of the health problems I have are simply because of the extra pounds. However, no discipline program would include “x number of pounds by x date” because I’ve done this *many* times and I know how my body fluctuates and how I can be doing everything right and not lose — or completely blow it for a week and lose 2 lbs. What Dave and I have talked about is my being expected to follow the guidelines — not going over my total points for the WEEK, which gives me a chance to have some higher point days; drinking 64 oz of water a day; eating 5 FVs (fruits & vegetables) each day; and getting at least 14 “Activity Points” each week. (WW says shoot for 28 but that’s a lot for me right now.)
    And while I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not this would be a good thing to bring spanking into, I’m kind of thinking right now that it’s the perfect thing. It’s a core issue in my life — not what I weigh, but why I’m overweight. The main reason is that I can’t delay gratification. I want what I want when I want it and I’m not willing to wait. I am constantly sacrificing what I want in the long run for what I want right now, and I’m world’s worst procrastinator.
    Andrew spanked me for not studying and not going to class — and I swear it’s the reason I graduated from college. Someone finally said, “WAKE UP AND DO WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO BEFORE YOU THROW YOUR EDUCATION AWAY” and it finally clicked. It was painful, and took a long time to learn, but it *worked.* I was the Queen of Skipping Class and literally would go weeks without studying. I look back on my experiences with him and I know in my heart that I can benefit the same way with some help in this area.
    Maybe it’s the fact that I’m looking at it as, “Dave’s going to punish me for not following my diet” that makes it seem harsh or something. Maybe I should say, instead, “Dave’s going to punish me for not following these healthy-eating guidelines that are necessary for me to become a healthier person.” It doesn’t seem so bad when you put it that way, does it?
    The question still remains about whether it’s better to get this from Dave or from the other guy.

  5. domino

    I’m sorry – I can’t remember whether you and Dave are geographically close or remote. In your shoes… if I were remote then that might be a case for using a proxy spanker, but if you see each other fairly frequently (live together – sheesh – dang memory!!) then I would want my boyfriend to be the one.
    I want him to look after me, to take responsibility for me, to tell me that he loves me so much he will make me do the right thing….
    If any issues arise (and I know, for me they would – I may well resent him whe I want something and am denied it) those feelings are transitory and in the end I know it’s for my own good, and we will deal with those issues together.

  6. Natty

    I think you’re right to look at it as “Dave’s going to punish me for not following these healthy-eating guidelines that are necessary for me to become a healthier person.” That way the focus isn’t on doing something that deprives you but doing something FOR you.
    While the benefits of getting through college certainly affect the rest of your life, the doing of it is a bit different than the lifestyle changes you’re making with WW because these are changes you need to make for the rest of your life, at least if the issue is about being healthy rather than just becoming thinner, whereas school is something you just have to get through for (theoretically) four years.
    For that, and a few other reasons, I completely agree with Domino that Dave is probably the best suited to working on this with you. I know for me at least, I tend to feel even more insecure about my physical appearance with someone other than A. Overcoming that with Dave can be something really powerful in bringing the two of you closer.
    But, ultimately I think if it’s going to work in a spanking context, the emphasis should be on being healthy — both physically and emotionally (say, learning contentment) — and de-emphasising appearance and even weight (losing weight is to be healthy, not really about being thin). Dave can help in this (and though I don’t know him, he sounds like he probably does) by always accompanying any spanking with reminders about how sexy he finds you, how hot your are, etc.
    Just my two cents. 🙂


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