The Girl Behind the Masks

My contributions to this site have thus far been rather sparse. For that I apologise, but I haven’t had anything specific to write about. However, Mija’s post, ‘So, Does It Work?’ has got me thinking. (Especially since I’m writing this instead of the story whose deadline is just around the corner!) Mija, I couldn’t agree more with your answers ‘Yes, no, sometimes and it depends’ in response to the question about whether RL discipline works.

I’ve spent a lot of my kink life feeling conflicted over the entire concept of RL discipline. It was especially hard for me in my previous relationship, when I had a regular day job and had to be an independent, responsible woman. Making the transition back to a place where I was subject to discipline was very hard and I usually resented it.

Now I’m my own boss and I’m extremely diligent and conscientious when it comes to work. It’s just the rest of it I can’t seem to stay on top of. Like this story I’m writing. Q said recently that he wanted a list of my writing projects and threatened consequences if I didn’t finish them. And part of me wants that. But another part of me bristles at the idea. And while this inner battle rages, the writing languishes.

And here’s the worst part: it’s not something I can put into a roleplay. This is ME, not any of my personae. The girl behind the masks. I’m the first to admit that I lack discipline. But when it’s offered I rebel. The bottom line is that no one can write this story but me. Spanking me for not writing it won’t get it written. RL discipline with Q has been pretty much on an as-needed basis. But I still find myself resisting. I can’t leave it for when *I* think I need it; that’s just topping from the bottom. And daily structured schedules don’t work for me either.

I suppose the underlying issue is relinquishing control. I’m not submissive by nature, so scenes with a D/s headspace are extremely edgy and challenging for me. So you can imagine how hard it is to surrender control in RL. How does one foil the inner control freak?

I guess what I really need to do is encourage Q to read this blog. *grin* So if anyone has any spare advice lying around, now’s the time to trot it out.

3 thoughts on “The Girl Behind the Masks

  1. Haron

    I’m intimately acquainted with resentment, and it’s been my experience that unless you can deal with the issues that cause it, the whole discipline structure is doomed. (I’ve been known to throw my books into a dark and dusty corner of my college room as a peculiar form of revenge for a disciplinarian’s transgressions.)
    And after it’s failed, you’ll feeling even more horrible (and resentful) for having screwed up the discipline arrangement.
    Rather unhelpfully, I’ve know idea how to deal with resentment, only that you’ve got to deal with it first.
    That said, if you don’t get down to writing that story, I’ll NAG. And moan at you. Would you want that? No, you wouldn’t. So get to it, girl. 😛

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  2. Lil

    Resentment is almost certainly something we ALL can relate to on some level or at some time. Because discipline is such a fundamentally mental issue, it is natural to assume that we will resent both its existence and our need for it at some point.
    I find myself struggling most with it on days that I have to leave the house and go to work, where I am in a position of authority. My ONLY saving grace is having the 45-minute drive home to get my head in the right place, but that long drive also adds to my physical tiredness and makes it harder to be in the mood for long once I get home. (We have a youngster to get down for the night, too, so our play or punishment time is hardly ever early in the day.
    I think I would benefit from a more daily routine but G is less inclined to routine and repetition (ADHD and a complete night owl). Our mornings rarely start out together and when I’m not working, I’m usually up for several hours before he even starts to stir.
    I did recently mention that I might benefit from him leaving me assignments or chores in a list or email when he goes to bed, so I can better focus my energy until he wakens (on my days off especially), as he usually gives me assignments at night while getting our son to bed (so I won’t fall asleep at the same time).
    I definitely believe that delaying punishment for lengthy times becomes completely mentally ineffective, but I’ve still felt the need to follow through on them even when we had long sice gotten past the issues that created the need for the punishment.
    That may not make any sense, and he has since decided not to delay punishment more than a few hours, unless it is simply impossible to do until the following day. I think that will help considerably.
    Back to the resentment issue (sorry for rambling) … my personal way of dealing with the resentment recently is to not only recognize when it is happening but to use it as fuel to encourage me to be even more submissive. Though I am terrible at asking for a spanking, even a play spanking, when I am feeling resentful or “foggy” (my term for being out of focus), I know this is when I most need one. I’m working on that, with G’s help, and he is always more than willing to oblige if I could just get the words out of my mouth.
    And this does seem like such a better alternative than doing something wrong to warrant a punishment spanking, which really is the LAST thing I ever want.
    My apologies for the long post, but this sure got me to thinking about some stuff that’s been on my mind lately anyway!
    Lil

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  3. sparkle

    Resentment… wow, that’s a tough one. You see, my inner drive extremely strong-willed, and like Tasha, I have a very well-developed sense of diligence and … okay, C has been known to remark on some occasions, “Would you just relax???” And I actually do resent him for that ability to put things (especially ones that are ultimately unimportant) aside at times.
    Can I just say that I hate travelling by air because I can’t control *anything* and I feel like a cow being herded through the slaughterhouse? I’ve been known to be a little out of control in airports before and getting *ready* to fly without a nervous breakdown in the airport since 9/11 has been a major mental exercise.
    As for masks, I very definitely have three. A ‘public’ mask for work, church, etc where people are observing me. A ‘family’ mask where I need to guard my tongue but worry less about my appearance. I often go to the grocery in this mask, assuming that others aren’t judging my shopping habits. And a ‘private’ mask – the one I shared only with me before I met C – and which I now share with him and a few of my closer friends.
    When I’m wearing my ‘public’ mask, I’m not in the right headspace for spanking at all, and anyone trying to take an active interest in my behavior is likely to get an active kick in the a–. Well, that’s slightly strong, but it’s definitely the part of me that is the control freak. When I’m wearing my ‘family / semi-private’ mask I can be easily embarrassed or brought to heel by the mere mention of spanking or discipline or anything kink by C. And when I wear my ‘private’ mask… that’s when others have the most influence over me, when my submissiveness can come out and blossom, and when I can tolerate pain the best. And when punishment – even a gentle scolding – is most effective.
    Like you, Tasha, I had been thinking about masks after Mija’s article, and I still had to think after I read yours to really give a shape to my thoughts.
    Thank you for your thoughtful insight.
    hugs
    sparkle

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